Butterflies

Thinking back..

2010-09-02T22:40:00.005+12:00

Ive been reflecting back on my life lately.
And wondering why I exist..not in a bad way but in a real way..a factual way.
I must have been born for a reason and although it may have been because my parents wanted me it was much more than that.
It was so that I could give birth to a new generation.
My son is everything I could have ever wished/hoped and dreamed for.Hes a funny,kind,gentle,intelligent and loving man and a wonderful father.
And HE has made another generation.raising his own beautiful son.
We go on in this life so that we can continue on with the cycle.Each giving out and taking back..loving and being loved.
And really..that IS the point of my existance..Love. xoxox

Giving Back

2010-03-23T22:55:00.003+13:00

From next month,I will be working as a support person in the intensive care at our local hospital.I will give love and strength to anyone who needs it and I will take care of the patient while the family has a break.I know how much this is needed.In this same place I have seen my sister die... 3 wks after being hit by a car...and I have seen my older brother in a coma for 6 wks with meningitis.
He lived :)..I was lucky to be surrounded by family but some people have no-one.
I want to be that someone who makes a difference..even for a moment.

In the last 12 mths I have lost a lot of friends of all ages including Dr John,a lovely old man who has been commenting on my blog for yrs now....
Ian who was an alcoholic and chose his own inevitabled death..but still was only 43.
Kathy my best friend Claud's mother..Ive known her all my life.
.Today I lost another one.Liz Prior and I lived in a house with 4 other girls when Jake was a baby.She helped me take care of him.We are the same age and went to school together.
She was a good friend.We ate food at midnight and had lots of dinner parties with friends over.

But to look on the bright side....Im sure that I have GAINED many more friends than I have lost..And every time theres another funeral we catch up with more old friends LOL!!!

The biggest,hardest lesson I have learned in life..Never waste a second!
I hope I can spread a little bit of Gods sunshine around :)

merry xmas :)

2009-12-22T23:29:00.002+13:00

Merry Christmas from me and Ezzie :)

(isnt it strange how 11 yr old boys pull faces when they have their pic taken.??)

Safe holidays everyone xoxox

Heaven.

2009-11-22T11:29:00.004+13:00

Mums surgery was a success..she is now walking on her new knee and apart from a few hiccups with her blood pressure and pain relief shes doing well..I have been at the hospital all the time.Its a long way to walk and 15 kms each way to drive every day and Im exhausted! but I wouldnt have it any other way..

Today we were at the hospital with Mum and I was telling my brother that I had told James to email me when he got to heaven just so that I knew he had got there safely..but I never got an email..
Ez(11) said in a quiet soft voice..theres probably no broadband..
It was so gorgeous.we all laughed:)

A Beautiful Day

2009-11-10T16:51:00.003+13:00

The sun is shining,its warm,and I feel so good!
Im happy now and my life is how it should be...

Ive been painting my house (and almost everything) else heh
And it all looks so clean and fresh.
Summer is here and Im in paradise.

The only thing I have got to worry about now is Mum havinga knee replacement tomorrow....shes 80 and not as strong as she used to be.
Shes never had surgery in her life!! or even been sick so I dont know how shes going to cope but all I can do is leave her in Gods hands. xx

Abusive behaviour

2009-11-09T10:51:00.002+13:00

I watched the Diane Sawyer interview last night with Rhianan about her beating from Chris Brown.
Some points really stood out to me and made me remember tha abuse that I have put up with in previous relationships.. (verbal and physical)Im thankful to be away from that now but there are some important points that need we need to be reminded of.

The abuser will minimalise it..they will say Oh it wasnt that bad..even verbal abuse that reduces us to tears.
They turn everything around so that they appear to be the victim..Eg..Im so sorry I cant believe Im so stupid to do this to you etc..
You live to hear words of I love you from them..
You love any little crumb of positiveness from them.
No-one understands what you are going through as much as the person who inflicts it.
We feel so embarrassed that we ever loved them and we dont want to face it.
Each time another lot of anger and nastiness comes from them we get a little bit more numb and we shut down.
All of these are bad signs and we should never tolerate anything that is violent or negative or unkind.

I learnt all these things but I thought it was worth reminding us all.
Love can be blind!

A Time to Build

2009-11-05T14:19:00.002+13:00

For the past couple of days I have been watching some sparrows in the olive tree that shades my deck..I knew they were looking to build a nest but I always wondered how they BEGIN the process..how they keep the first bits of leaves and straw in place while they fly off to find more.
So it was fascinating to see the (soon-to-be) mother bird sitting on some scraps of twigs very precariously as there was also a strong wind.
With great dexterity she held on with her little feet while her mate went off in search of more building materials..
so the beginning was made of a very solid foundation,held in place with sheer strength and willpower..After a couple of hrs the nest began to take shape.It now has a small round bottom and they are so busy.
I showed me a lot of new things.
Firstly she was totally trusting that her mate would indeed come back to help.
Then she had to believe that he would help her do a great job of providing the family to come of a secure home.
She sits and waits and holds everything together while he travels ans searches.
She has to fend off other birds who want to hijack her nest..she has to chase away the mice that climb late at night and she has to overcome all odds to make this happen.
Its all to do with trust and instinct..
Soon she will be ready to lay her eggs and then for weeks she will not be able to leave and she will have to rely on her mate to bring her food and then food for the babies..Im learning a lot from these birds.It fills me with wonder that other species have so much more intelligence than us!!! LOL :)

self trust..

2009-10-28T23:47:00.002+13:00

I WILL listen, remember and take note of the wise words of ~~ Maya Angelou - "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". Trust your instincts. Listen to that small quiet voice deep within. If something does not feel right, it isn't. If you feel the need to run, RUN!! Always, always trust yourself.
My beautiful sister friend reminded me of that today.Thanks chick:)

Appreciation

2009-10-26T15:15:00.004+13:00

Today I feel so blessed to have such a good life.
I have my own home,a loving family moderate health(lol) and the most amazing friends anyone could ever wish for.
Something happened that made me so angry and instead of yelling and screaming I went sad..depressed even..It was a disappointment that sneaked up on me and made me go retreating back to the saftey of James love.
Everytime something makes me angry or sad,I delve deep into that safe place in my heart where James is.i picked some roses and kissed his pic and thanked him for loving me and Im back into normal mode again!!
I will be thankful again and no angry..I will give thanks and I will be happy and joyous and I will remember the good times as I usually do.
For all the guys who have told me that they will be my brothers forever,thankyou.
And for my sisters-of-my-heart...I love you:)
Now that summer has officially begun Ive done what always mends my broken heart.I have been planting flowers...
Maybe its because of the broken times my garden gets bigger but every time I plant a flower its a memory.And over the summer they grow and so do my memories.
Im in awe of the special people that keep me going and I hope I do the same for them.

I was right

2009-10-07T23:25:00.002+13:00

The tests I had have all turned out to be normal just as I thought.
Of course Im stoked :)

The anesthetic knocked the crap out of me and its taken 48 hrs to get it out of my system.Its the same stuff I was given after surgery once to stop me vomitting.
Its called the truth drug...I dont remember anything of the procedure but that night I dreamed of James.Him and I were just living our normal life and he was healthy and pre-sick...
I woke feeling as if we had just spent some lovely time together.
All day I could hardly move and was zapped of my strength..But today I felt better.Had a glass of wine with dinner,macaroni cheese homemade.And it didnt hurt!
I think the wine makes eating much less stressful.

So..cheers my friends and thanks for the support!!

Hospital

2009-10-04T22:33:00.002+13:00

Tomorrow Im booked into hospital for exploratory surgery..
For some unknown reason I have been unable to eat much and when i do it hurts.
I think its nothing but stress but the docs and specialists have insisted on having a look inside me.
Im sure they will find nothing but scars and an old ulcer that is a direct result over the worry I had over James..How could my body not react to such a thing.
Ive had shingles,whooping cough,shortness of breath blah blah...
Mentally Im in a good place and Im positive I will be fine.:)
Ive taken a course of herbal stuff from on of my dearest sisters and Im sure its working...I have prayed and sung and tried to keep my head in a good space.
But if you have a moment,Id be grateful for any good vibes and prayers sent my way:)

Seasons of life.

2009-09-17T21:50:00.005+12:00

Winter is coming there and summers coming here..Things change with the seasons.

My friend Ian has finally gone to sleep.Hes in a deep coma so its now a matter of hours and days.
I remember it so well with James..Ian is very peaceful and hes just waiting for God to call his name out.

Every day now I am just praying for Ian that his transition is a smooth ride..Hes such a cool guy
but his addiction to alcohol was ..to him...worth dying for. Its his choice.

I went into town today and splurged on some new foundation, a nice indigo blue eye pencil and some new blush.My makeup is SO old..some Ive had since I was in OKC with James!! I always get new mascaras though.
Im happy today..even tho my tummy hurts and I cant eat much LOL..but hey..maybe I was eating too much and it was just my body telling me I don’t need that much.

Every day life goes on..

A friend rang me from his work today and said they were doing a poll.
Asked me ....**would you rather be beautiful and have no money or ugly and rich***
Of course I answered beautiful but poor.... and I was the ONLY one that said that!!
Everyone else said theyd rather be rich.I told him beauty to me means that your soul shines from within..you smile.

Jake just informed me I spent 156 today (he was looking at the reciepts on the bench) what price vanity? oh well..
Makes me feel better!! And James would have told me to go and buy myself something !!!

After looking at the face of death once again,it just reminds me to LIVE!!

Oh I couldnt help myself putting another pic of James and me up again :)

Saying goodbye..

2009-09-10T22:49:00.003+12:00

I got to say a final goodbye to a friend today..
I blogged about him a few weeks ago when the docs gave him 2 wks to live.
Today we talked for the last time.
I thanked him for being such a funny guy who made us all laugh..
I told him that it was an honor to have known him.

He said Ill see ya at the funeral!! LOL!

His mouth is weak now and hes having trouble focusing.he wakes after sleeping 12 hrs
only to go straight back to sleep. I told him his journey has begun.I said have fun babe and Ill see ya in heaven:)

Hes waiting in the queue now until God calls his name.

Awesome weekend

2009-09-07T11:42:00.004+12:00

To be with the ppl that you love the most in the world is awesome!
On saturday me and Jake went and picked up Ez and drove an hour and a half in beautiful sunshine to the lake districts by Rotorua.
Mum had a timeshare right on the lake so we spent the night with her.
Ez and Jake rowed out on the lake in the peddle boats and we walked and talked and shared so much..I was completely in love with the scenery and the weather.

That night we went and had a delicious meal in the restuarant..There was a roaring fire and we sat by the huge picture window watching the full moon (the moon that James gave to me) shining down on the water..I was so glad that we went on a night with a new moon because it meant that James was with all of us,the ppl that he loved.

Ezzie was on top form and spoke so eloquiently of his favourite things,what he was going to be when he grew up and he had us all captivated..Of course me and jake couldnt sleep and found ourselves down in the lounge at 4am with Jake taking pics of the lake and the twinkling stars.
I had a fabulous weekend and its made memories for all of us for yrs to come.
Im happy and no-one can take it from me :)

Long dresses

2009-08-12T13:56:00.002+12:00

Anyone who knows me personally knows that I wear long skirts/dresses or jeans..
I love the feel of the floaty soft fabrics against my skin.

Since it is nearly spring I went looking through some stored clothes...ones that I love and cant bear to part with.I was so stoked to find one of my favourite long silk skirts from about 20 yrs ago,waiting for me :)

Well I put it on with some high boots cos its still a chilly wind and feeling a little glum I headed off to the mall to see whats happening.

To my surprise a young girl (18-20) came up to me in a shop and said OH WOW ...BOHO CHIC !!! I was like huh??? she said oh where did you get that skirt???,I want one!!
Haha...so it just goes to show you that if you keep something long enough you will come back into fashion:)

I never went out;)

My Warrior

2009-07-31T22:27:00.004+12:00

This is my beautiful handsome warrior who keeps me safe.

Just as his dad always does too.

My son is raising a great son :)

I love my boys.

Its happened:)

2009-07-15T19:51:00.002+12:00

Wow I cant believe how GOOD I feel:)
You know how when you take a bandaid off and you see that the wound has healed?
Theres a faint scar but the weeping festering sore has gone?
Thats happened to me! I never seem to heal but this time its worked.
I dont know what Ive applied to it or how its occured but my faith and determination have finally paid off for me.
I feel the best I have since James died..I can kiss his pic like I always did but I dont cry now.I can look at the moon and say thankyou baby.
I can feel a breeze and know that hes still there.Right beside me...the angel on my shoulder.Taking care of me and whispering in my ear.
Im not broken!! Oh its such a relief....
I dont feel scared anymore.Im not worried..Im in such a good place:)
And it only happened because I trust God to keep me safe and He did.
Im excited again! Can you tell ;)

I can SEE

2009-07-11T16:31:00.002+12:00

After a big hiccup at the beginning of the week that almost sent me plummeting,I have gotten stronger and wiser and I feel SO much better.
Sometimes Ive been blind because I did not wish to see.It was not an easy thing to always face the truth even when its staring at me.
But each day I am further away from the thing that was dragging me down and holding me back,I find that I no longer need blinkers on.
I am able to see straight ahead..to once again long for the truth that only God can give..and its sets you free:)
There is nothing to look back on except for beautiful memories.Im abolishing the sadness and embracing the wonder.
I can see xoxox

a fighter..

2009-06-25T21:37:00.004+12:00

I used to call myself a survivor and I was proud of it.
I Have survived many things.
And it didnt happen by sheer luck.

It happened because Im a fighter.
xxx

Cleansing the soul

2009-06-08T12:30:00.004+12:00

Oh what a weekend! The tears flowed so easily as if my eyes were leaking! I didnt even know why or what set me off except maybe it was the full moon and hearing that another close friend is dying of cancer and hes only 43.He went into hospital with terrible stomach pains and he has a huge inoperable tumor in his stomach and oesophegus that explained why he cant eat..hes also lost so much weight he is hardly recognisable.He looks 70.My heart aches for his parents and his brother and his many friends that love him.he has only weeks to live and they are making him comfortable.

I cried for the loves I have lost.The beautiful ppl that have gone too soon.The tears just kept on coming.Then Mum came out with a big pot of vegie soup and a gorgeous basket of baby daffidols,out too soon and forced to grow unnaturally in a hothouse,but never-the -less greatly appreciated by me.Mum always seems to know when I need her and she never lets me down..Tho now I am worried about her too.Shes been having some health problems and wont address them cos she stubborn and doesnt want to know whats wrong! I need her in my life so much and cant bear the thought of losing her too.

But there was joy too:) My grandson Ez won player of the day at soccer and was so proud of himself even though it meant that I had to wash the teams teeshirts it was wonderful.I shouted him and Jake to Mc Ds..even though I disapprove of it heh.

And I had a call from someone who I havent met yet who wants to meet up with me to talk about a future project that I may work on with her.
So in amongst the heartache,the pain and the tears,lots of really great things happened and I know that I am walking this path in my life with God at my side:)
Have a great week everyone xoxo

Heart

2009-05-20T22:08:00.004+12:00

If you have "HEART" you have everything.
You dont need anything else.
It doesnt matter what body you carry around---healthy/sick/disabled.
Its doesnt matter if youre fat or thin or short or tall..
Or if youre blonde or dark.
Its not important how much money you have.
If you have **heart**..you are RICH.

People with heart have spirit.They are strong.They endure all things.
They have determination.

You ARE what is in your HEART. xxx

Happy Mothers Day :)

2009-05-10T14:55:00.003+12:00

Happy Mothers day to all the wonderful mothers out there...
and also to the great fathers that are raising children on their own and having to be both Mum and Dad..

This is my Mum on her 80th birthday in March..she is loved by so many ppl worldwide:)She is also the MOST generous person Ive ever met and believes that what you give out you will get back tenfold.
Good on ya Mum..youre still doing great and we all love you.xoxox

A struggle

2009-04-27T17:28:00.002+12:00

Its so long since I blogged!
Ive been busy but thats no excuse.,,well Im trying to keep busy.
Im lonely.
There Ive said it.Its doesnt look so nice written down but at least its out there.

Of course Im happy with my life..My son has just got a scholarship for his fees
at Uni and my grandson has been here with us for a week almost.
We went out to dinner on sat night with a friend who was here from Japan.
He bought teeshirts and wine and chocolates:)

But nothing fills the empty void inside of me..I miss being in love.

Delightful:)

2009-04-13T22:08:00.003+12:00

This is the light of my life..the sunshine of my soul.
My grandson Ez..(10 yrs old) with the card he made for me on his dads computer.Hes very clever.
Him and his father are the reason for my existence.
I love them.

2009-04-01T19:51:00.002+13:00

Today I realised something..
Life really IS what you make it.
Now Im totally focused again.I know what I need and what I want.
I also know what I DONT want.
Maybe thats the thing I learnt today.
There are some things in my life that Ive gone through that I can NEVER repeat.

James death and even my divorce(after 21 yrs of marriage) before that have been so much grief to bear.I have cried and wept over all kinds of things but those were the worst.And neither of them I had any control over.
And Im all done crying!
As they say in Boston...Im all set thanks!!!
And I DO have control:)
Wow..Im back in the driving seat!

In the Beginning there Was...

2009-03-20T23:13:00.002+13:00

The monach butterflies began to fly around the swan plant..encircling and then landing.They bought their own beauty,wonderful red and gold colors.
The plant had grown big enough to recieve them..the cycle has begun.

They left their mark as they filled my days with their vibrancy,bringing hope.
A week later this is the result of their fortitude.
New life..the beginning.

Nasty Crickets!!

2009-03-07T10:33:00.003+13:00

Since we live on a farm,its no suprise that we will get pests..remember when I got home and there was a RAT living in my ceiling????
Well now its crickets!! I cant leave the doors open even with the screens closed cos the damn things get in everywhere.I lay in bed and hear them and just know that one is in the bedroom..In the last 4 days I have killed at least 25 (much to Jakes horror!) and have placed jars over at least 40 (for Jake to remove later)..
After an extremely hot and muggy day in town with Mum,I came home walked into my room and stripped off to find something cooler to put on..Topless,I searched through my drawer and completely freaked out when one of the revolting things JUMPED onto my naked leg!!!!
I cried and screamed trying all the time to be reasonable and calm down..but who would think they could get into the drawer??? Now im not actually afraid of them.I just dont like them,or any other beetle or bug inside the house.
Theres a veritable chorus of them singing in the paddock and I can cope with that,but Im sorry...they are NOT welcome in my house!
So..being me..I rang the council.I expect them to always have the answers.
I was told by a very nice man, who was laughing at me behind his hand,that cos there was a drought here last yr,crickets have become somewhat of a BIG problem this yr and there is NOTHING that can be done!!!...That is NOT an answer to me!
Well,because I have garden..(hello..who doesnt??) there is no solution to my problem.Even if I pulled out all the gardens surrounding the house,I would still get crickets.And the cricket seasons just begun (im told).It will continue until the end of march.
If they would just stay outside I would be happy,but OH NO...they want to reside with me.Well Im armed with my trusty Black Flag knock down blowfly spray and I will continue to KILL them (as long as Jake doesnt see me).
Wish me luck!!

2 Years Too Long

2009-02-24T08:44:00.002+13:00

Two years is a long time not to see someone and its even worse when you know that you will never see them again.
I miss James with every fibre of my body,every heart beat,every breathe I take..
His presence is around me strongly this morning.Im going to do what he loved me to do.Have my hair done and have lunch with Mum..
I love you James xxxxx

Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.”
-- Norman Cousins

Trust

2009-02-14T23:30:00.000+13:00

Trust is something hard to win
Easy to lose
And never to be taken for granted,

Fears???

2009-02-06T21:37:00.002+13:00

I learnt something the other night that has changed the way I think and feel.
It was a profound moment for me.

I was watching a programme on tv about a guy who was too scared to eat certain foods.
He wouldnt eat meat or anything that came out of an animal,he wouldnt eat vegies cos they came out of the dirt,he wouldnt eat fruit cos it came from trees where birds could shit on it..I thought he was terribly disabled.He even took his own Christmas dinner to his friends house.
He went through all these things with his shrink and we learnt about his OCD and how he had to double check his door 4 times before he could leave the property.
It turned out that his mother took him and his brother to get an icecream when he was 5 yrs old and told them that when they got home their father wouldnt be there.
He wasnt and he never saw him again in his life.Hes now 50...so the door checking was like checking to see if his father has come back..subconsciously.
We all do that.We internalise everything until the *thing* becomes something else.
So the shrink said to him....maybe the thing that you fear the most has already happened.I sat bolt upright!!! OH!
How wonderful!! To have it BEHIND! to have already been through it...to be a million miles away from that fear!.OMG I was amazed and it spoke to me.
Ive had some terrible things happen to me and the most devastating heartache to deal with.
And really...what could be worse than what has happened already??
Or maybe,as we get older and more mature we learn to deal/cope/handle things better.
Anyway,whatever that shrink said that day helped me.It gave me hope.It gave me strength.

Today is Waitangi Day in New Zealand.The day that The British signed a treaty with the Maori,the indigenous ppl of NZ (or Aotearoa,the Land of the Long White Cloud.)

Peace and love :)

Friends Forever

2009-01-17T12:51:00.003+13:00

This past week I had my girlfriend come to stay..we have been friends since we were 15 and nothing has ever come bewteen us.We have never had an arguement or a disagreement.We have had times where we dont see each other for a while because of places and times but when we see each other,its as if no time has ever passed..(my friend OK farmgirl and me are the same too)..
So now Robbie lives in east Timor.Her partner works for the ministry of education.
Timor is a country in the sth pacific..one of a group of islands close to Indonesia.
For the last 400 yrs Timor was occupied by the Indonesians who took over..The the Timorese ppl decided that they wanted their independence.The Indonesians didnt take it kindly.There was a horrible nasty war..so the United Nations stepped in and made them leave.They left with a scorched earth policy,burning down the schools,libraries,govt buildings and bombed the bridges and the roads..The inferstructure of Tomor was totally destroyed.The ppl have to go to school where theres no toilets or running water or even books.They are poor...the fighting still goes on altho there is a United Nations peace keeping force there now of which NZ is one of the contributaries.
Robbie lives in an apt building which is newly built and has guards on the gates.Its not safe to go for a walk.But shes helping to make a difference..she takes pics of the kids and shows them to which their reaction is amazement as theyve never seen themselves before (no mirrors)...she gives them exersize books and pencils..she takes their milk provisions to families where they cant afford it and being a catholic country they have 11..12 or more children..in one grass shack.

It was wonderful to spend this week with her.We went shopping and spent hrs talking and laughing.I went back to the doc for the 3rd time since Christmas when I got a chest infection for my present!! Its taken me all this time to come right.It was a virus so antibiotics didnt work..Im finally begiining to feel almost normal again and to stop coughing..I coughed so much a pulled all the muscles down one side and it was agony..
But my small pain is nothing compared to the trauma and devastation that the Timorese ppl live with on a daily basis.Im grateful to live in NZ:)

A new year...

2009-01-04T19:10:00.002+13:00

Happy New year my friends.
Ive had a lot of time to think over the past week.
I have enjoyed time with my family and I have seen friends that I havent seen for a while.
Once again Ive had some sickness but today my brother came out and prayed for me,laying hands onto my pulled muscles on my ribs..so sore from coughing.
Tonight I feel heaps better and have my strength back.God is good.
But the thing I have been thinking of the most is kindness.If everyone in the world would just be kind to each other and take care of how and what they say,the world would be a nicer place for me to live in.
Its so easy to be kind and gentle..considering the feelings of others without thinking of ourselves.Its easy to love.
Im praying for a year filled with kindness,of understanding and of knowledge.
And most of all for peace.
Im so easy to please:)

Happy Christmas:)

2008-12-24T09:29:00.002+13:00

Today is Christmas Eve in New Zealand..Its my sisters birthday and if she had lived she would be 42 today:)Me and Jake are going to have a traditional dinner tonight at Mums of roast leg of lamb,new potatoes,lots of roast crispy vegies,minted peas,trifle and pavalova for dessert..yummm.
I missed our family Christmas party because I had a terrible tummy bug and was vomitting! I came all the way home to have shared this with then and I couldnt! My neice has a 8 week old baby and I couldnt risk giving it to her..It was a shame to miss it but theres always next year!
Its raining today and has been all night.Its refreshing and cuts down the heat.Our hay has all been cut so the paddocks look nice and our hayfever is better.
I want to wish you all a very safe and happy Christmas wherever you might be.
Be safe and know that I appreciate every one of you my friends!!!

Sisterhood

2008-12-17T23:15:00.002+13:00

I have been lucky to have the most wonderful *sisters* anyone could wish for.
We have laughed,loved,cried,mourned,danced,and laughed some more:)
We have had adventures together driving over long roads and talking all the way.
They have always been there for me and helped me to grow and to face the things life has thrown at me.They have even tried to catch it for me.
My girls are my strength and my peace...they ground me and they accept me.
I just thank God every day for these beautiful women and I thank them for taking such good care of me.:)

Crashed!

2008-12-04T12:54:00.002+13:00

Sorry that I havent been blogging much lately but Ive had a big crash...no I dont mean a car accident!
As most of you already know I had a DVT a few yrs ago that almost cost me my life.I was disabled,sometimes in so much pain that I had to use a wheelchair or sticks and other times unable to get out of bed because of the pain..I live with constant aching legs..
Then,somehow,against all medical advice,I managed to fly across the world to a new life.I was still always in pain but some days were better than others and I tried to be as positive as possible because I know that pain is worse when Im sad and upset.So I try and always stay UP and moving and giving to others as that makes me feel better.
So last year I went back to the states and spent a yr travelling around and meeting new ppl.I was lucky and blessed that everyone understood my needs and allowances were made to accomodate me.I did get blood clots over there too,some really bad ones,but I didnt go to hospital.I just continued to take my blood thinning meds.
Now Ive been home for 4 mths and I have had a total crash.I am on bed rest..well sofa rest or sun lounger;)...having 4 big clots in my bad leg and 2 in my good leg! I also have pain in my right side, I think its from carrying the milk jugs of water around the garden..and maybe shifting a couple of pots here and there too.
I do feel very lucky that Ive been given a few good yrs altho I did have shingles,pnuemonia,pleurisy,and whooping cough 2 yrs ago!! LOL!
My body is saying REST!!!! and I have no choice now but to obey.My Mum came out yesterday after being in Brisbane Oz for a week and she bought me some lovely sweetpeas out of her garden which are filling my house with the most beautiful soft fragrance that reminds me of summer..I have done the most necessary things for xmas and posted a few things..Our family xmas party is this weekend as its the only time we can get 45 ppl together under the same roof..Xmas day will be spent with my son and Mum and we will cruise..
I have to get better and I have to believe that I will and that nothing major is about to happen to my leg again..
So thats why Ive been a bit quiet,my leg throbs all the time and when I do get to walk around I do a short circuit of the garden and back to lay down with one leg up in the air higher that my heart so the blood pumps back! Very ladylike LOL
Physically Im useless but my mental well being is in a wonderful space and I can honestly say that Im happy and feeling great!
Take care and be safe on the roads over this busy season..xx

Smells

2008-11-28T20:52:00.003+13:00

The smell of things really brings back memories..
There are some smells I cannot stand!
Tonight my Ezzie made popcorn in my microwave and its revolting..I dont know why I hate it but it seems to stick in my nose and it stays in the house.I hate the smell of popcorn at the pictures too.
I hate the smell of petrol.It makes me dry wretch.I cant fill up my own car and either have to go to a station where they pump it or I take someone with me to do it.And I have to keep the windows wound up.Its strange cos I was raised by a mechanic father who always smelled of something enginey and I adored him.
I hate the smell of mould.It makes me cough and wheeze.I hate stale air too.
I hate the smell of bleach,of newly tarsealed roads,of beer breathe,of old sweat.
They all make me feel negative.
BUT...there are some smells I LOVE!
I love jasmine,roses,fresh cut grass,the beach,roast dinners cooking,toast,coffee,the perfume I always wear (Aromatics by Clinique),lux soap,bananas,cheese,...I love the smell of Ezzie when hes just had a shower,I love the smell of babies,furniture polish,new cars,new leather,and familiar old leather too! I love the smell of nail polish,vinegar,olive oil,merlot,apricots,oranges.

Memories are evoked by smell...but right now,my house still smells like popcorn URRH!

The Spirit

2008-11-13T23:32:00.004+13:00

You may need to click on this pic to make it larger..
Tonight Jame's spirit came to visit me..I had to try and take a pic of course.
Hes often here on a full moon,the one he gave me 3 yrs ago.
I can see him clearing showing through the olive branches.He loved that tree.
Its a white thin shadow ...
Hi James :)Thanks for stopping bye.Love you x0x0x0

A new PM

2008-11-10T10:07:00.002+13:00

New Zealand voted in a new Prime Minister on saturday..after 9 years of a labour govt (left wing like democrats) led by Helen Clarke,we are now being led by the National party (right wing) and a man..John keys..
I think the world is ready for a change but its interesting to see that while the rest of the world is moving to the left,we have moved to the right!!!
I will be praying for him too.He seems like a nice enough man,with the obligatory wife and 2 kids.Ive never liked conservatism so this is going to be interesting.

A New World

2008-11-05T22:21:00.002+13:00

He got the womans votes
He got the old ppls vote.
And he split th mens votes down the middle.
The first time thats happened in history.
Hes a brilliant orator.
And a devoted husband and father.
Its not his fault hes black.
I pray that he will make the USA
The World Leader, that will bring about world peace.
The Usa can once again lead the world in deplomacy
technology,industry, and horticulture,
freedom of thought and of speech.
I pray that they,the USA, will be the leaders of peace.,
of democracy and goodwill.

Its uncivilised to go to war now.The europeans dont have wars.
The scandanavians dont.Its possible to not have wars.
America is a christian country and thats all about forgiveness.
OK, Al Queda(wherever they live who knows?)
deserved an ass whooping for what they did on 9/11.
Isnt enough,enough?
I pray that we will all become an educated,wise,caring people.
I am so happy to be here,at this moment in history.
God bless America.

The Visitor.

2008-10-29T22:28:00.003+13:00

This beautiful native woodpigeon came to visit today.It sat on the fence for hrs..
Just peacefully sitting there and being a part of the garden.
I love the colors and James knew that they were my favourites.
I feel blessed today,knowing that he never forgot us and will be with us always.

And I feel honored to have all of you in my life.You all are my strength.

Happy Birthday!!

2008-10-22T19:53:00.003+13:00

Today my gorgeous grandson Ez turned 10! TEN!!! Its hard to believe.
The last few yrs have flown by with so many things happening.When Ez was 4 he came to OKC with his mum and dad(my son)and my mum.It was a great experience for him.He got to go to the dinasour museum and some cowboy forts in El Reno.He learned to swim.

Now hes so grown up.Hes soft and has a lovely warm nature.He helps out other kids at school and teaches his teacher how to use her computer! Hes intelligent,funny,eager to please,generous and a pleasure to have around.he helps me to cook and garden..his favourite thing is to be up a high tree on the farm.
This is one of my fav pics of us.Ez was 5.
Happy birthday Ezzie.I love you xxx

Looking and Finding.

2008-10-18T10:34:00.002+13:00

A few months ago I was having lots of dreams..before I left the states to come home.
One of them in June was about me searching for an iris..
Well my irises are out and I was very impressed at how they look at night in the moonlight.It had just rained so they looked beautiful.
It made me realise that when we search,we do find.
Maybe we dont always find exactly what were looking for but we can find something along the way,maybe unexpected,maybe a treasure,and it can fill us with joy.
I am making decisions and choices in my life,things that will be good for me.
Im happy today because my irises were everything I wished for and not a disappointment in sight:)
Have a good weekend my friends!

Great Aunt:)

2008-10-07T10:25:00.002+13:00

Ive just become a great aunt!! My beautiful niece gave birth last night to a stunning;) daughter..Im finally GREAT at something :)

The Time Has Come

2008-10-05T22:15:00.003+13:00

I know the time has come when I must take my darlings ashes and scatter them to the wind..Im so sad and alone.I know that I make out Im happy but Im full of shit! Im not happy.Of course Im thrilled to be home and if I must breakdown,then this is the place to do it.Im safe.Thats the most important thing.
But altho Im good at dishing out advice Im useless when it comes to ME.Its 18mths since James died.Ive taken his ashes back to his family and hes even lost his brother since then..too many deaths.
To have closure,I have to spread his ashes,well thats what Im told anyway.I want to throw them to the wind and let them scatter..I have one urn full and I took the other urn to his family.They have dealt with it and now its my time.
But I dont know if I can do it!!! Is it because I dont want to let him go? Is it that Im not ready? will I ever be ready??
What is closure anyway??
Maybe I should just stop writing because I dont feel as if I make sense anymore.

What I See

2008-09-27T14:19:00.003+12:00

While I lived in the States for a yr I began to gain weight again..5lbs.I know it doesnt sound like much but considering I was 54kgs 7 yrs ago and am now 58kgs,its a big shock to my system.My body no longer looks like it belongs to me.Its the body of an older woman (which of course I am).Its changed and developed,some would say it needed to.Until I was 45 I was the same weight as I was all through high school.I didnt put on weight until I met James and I slowly began to eat,drink and be merry.
My boobs grew and so did my hips..my tummy poked out instead of the once flat one that Id known all my life.I have gone through times of hating this body.
Now though,I have started to love it once again.It is the body of a woman..the women that Rubens painted in the 1600s..real women.
Im a size 6 instead of the 2-4 I always was..But I feel mature now.
Im not skinny anymore..or thin.Im rounded and curvy.My face has filled out.I look healthy.Everyone comments on that.
I wear the same kind of clothes but somehow they look different.
Im happy,healthy,loved and cared for..It shows on my body:)

Home..

2008-09-05T22:51:00.002+12:00

Its so good to be home again.After a year overseas which has been so healing for me,Im settled again.
I ran away from this cottage in the country..because James died here, and because my journey was to take his ashes back to the states, to his family.Next weekend is his brother Dannys memorial service..two beautiful men now united again.Its a lot for his family to bear. 2 deaths in 18mths.But they are strong and they survive with love for each other.Thats what keeps them going.They are wonderful people.
I met some amazing new friends there who helped me heal.It was good to be in a place where I was loved for who I am...without pitying me or wondering if Im going to break.Living in MA was beautiful.The colors are wonderful anytime of the year and I had my first white xmas.

I was afraid to come home,to face it and to be alone.But Im happy.Im with my son and grandson,my favourite boys.They are my heart.I will never be alone.

A Long Goodbye

2008-08-13T19:02:00.003+12:00

Today I am mourning the loss of Danny,James brother..he was a wonderful brother-in-law and we were very close.They both had lymphoma.
James was diagnosed in 2003 with B cell stage 4 and chose not to have any treatment.He wanted to live the rest of his life without sickness from chemo or radiation and it was already all through his body and in his bones.
Danny was diagnosed 10 yrs ago with B cell lymphoma..not as aggressive as James kind.
Danny had every treatment available and lasted a long time.In his 60 yrs he battled polio as well as cancer.He raised a disabled child and lived a life, full and happy.
We spoke every couple of days on the phone and I travelled to Oklahoma to see him in June..Im so glad I did.
Now they are united once again as brothers.Tonight I will have a glass of merlot and celebrate the life that belonged to Dan Taylor...RIP my friend.

oh 8 oh 8 oh o8

2008-08-08T19:53:00.002+12:00

08/08/08 it seems like it must be a significant number to me..how often does it happen?
If I was Chinese Id believe it was lucky but I dont believe in luck..altho I deserve some..
I do however believe in fate.pslm 139 says God knew us before we were born.Its our destiny..

Footprints

2008-08-03T15:45:00.002+12:00

This is a pic of the garden I planted in Boston..It looks lovely now and the marigolds have pumped since I left! They have tripled in size and its nice to get pics of them and see the progress.They brighten up the street and everyone stops to admire them...I have done this everywhere.I planted gardens in OKC when I lived there too.I dont think I can go for longer than a couple of mths anywhere without putting my hands into the soil and planting! I usually start off with things in pots and hanging baskets but they get too big and I get bored so I plant them in the ground and replant the baskets.
Today in New Zealand Ive been repottong the hanging baskets with lobellias,pansies,sweet william,and polyanthus.They look bright and happy.We have had almost a mth of daily rain,gale force winds,cold and its not been gardening weather..but today is great.Its still windy as but at least my hands are planting again in the soil that is rich with peat.Its free draining so I can grow anything.Im about to get my big strong son to dig out a huge rose and replant it and move some big buxus to new locations.
Oh I feel so happy when the sun is shining! I dont care what the temperature is as long as the suns bright! Have a great weekend my friends.

New Zealand..land of the long white cloud

2008-07-17T17:11:00.002+12:00

I arrived back in NZ on saturday.A year away in the states.
Ive spent the last few days trying to find my things,cleaning,sleeping
visiting friends and feeling totally exhausted.
But Im home for now.Its wonderful to see my family again.I love them so much.
No-one looks any different cept Ez whos grown taller.
My gardens a mess but its winter and raining so it will just have to wait.
Theres spring daffodils and freesias up and some irises out.
I need to get the vegie garden back into shape.
But it will all have to wait..Im tired.

The last few days..

2008-06-26T13:49:00.000+12:00

So she rang me at 11.30.wanna come and have some sushi? Well how could I refuse that.
I showered quickly and she picked me up 15 mins later.It wasnt a long drive and I almost know my way around here now,tho I still dont want to drive.
We were greeted by our usual server and she loves seeing us cos Trish tips BIG! shes worked in the business herself and knows that a $20 tip means a little something extra in the food basket for the kids...lunch was delicious as usual.
Then it was off to Dunkin Donuts where all our friends hang out..bikes lining the road at any time of the day or late into the night.
I feel safe here.If I happen to stay and chat til late at night I get taken home even if I walked over..sometimes one of the guys walk me home.My friends here have been great and I will treasure them forever.
I have 15 days left til I fly home to NZ..Im longing for my little cottage in the country and to be with my family.My heart aches for them but at the same time I feel so happy that I now have dual citizenship and can come back whenever I want to.I feel as if I belong in both places.
Tomorrow is friday and I have to remember to do some shopping in the township.I still have some presents to buy to take home.Im happy :)

Dreams..

2008-06-17T04:34:00.002+12:00

Ive been having the most bizarre dreams..every night.
Last night I dreamt I was walking around the house (not mine) picking up laundry.
There was so much of it scattered everywhere and each time I filled the basket I found more...
Last weekend I dreamed Id lost a baby (not mine) and it still had its umbilical cord attached.Now I had put this baby down somewhere and I couldnt find it.I searched and searched and I actually woke up crying for it was nowhere to be found.
During the week I dreamed I had lost all my money (yes mine).It was in a big envelope and there were thousands of 100 dollar notes and Id hidden from burglars but I couldnt find it.
The night before last I was in a huge paddock (field) with millions of flowers all over it and I was looking for just one flower..an iris.There were none.

I have no idea what all this searching and losing things means but I would be very happy if anyone has any suggestions..
They dont stress me out but it does make me wonder,why am I looking and losing?

Pmail..

2008-05-26T12:48:00.002+12:00

I was taking Willie G for a walk in the park today and we came across another lady with a small white dog.I remarked about how dogs lif their leg until there is nothing left to even pee..
She cracked me up when she said..oh didnt you know??? Its PMail :)
Sounds logical to me!! LOL

Taking Care..

2008-05-17T11:28:00.003+12:00

My family have been so wonderful to me all through James illness that Im really longing to take care of them again..
For a year I couldnt take my mother to lunch or drive her around to do extremely important things (like ..umm..taking her always broken phone to telecom or picking up some photos shes had developed..etc!)
Because I could hardly leave the house,I missed out on so much that I normally would do for others.It was a year that everyone came to visit ME...But because of that year I left and kept on running until I have finally stopped now,one year later.
Ive always run away..the first time I was 11yrs old and the whole street was out looking for me.I broke down finally and rang home at 4am to be picked up 2 towns over.When ever things got tough for me I ran away.Im still doing it.Luckily I have 2 whole countries to live in now and lots of places to run to!
But this time Im going home and cant wait to do all the things Ive been missing out on since James got cancer and life came to a standstill.
Everyone told me it would take at least a year for me to heal and it has.Over a year actually.But Im not in grief now and I feel strong again,strong enough to take care of others.Ive been hiding away and licking my wounds.I still have raw patches that I scratch at but they are lessening now.I can look at myself in a pic and not think that someones missing.I can look in the mirror and see a whole person again.
Its been a long process but a very good learning time.Ive met some wonderful ppl and made some lifelong friends.Everyones been caring for me and now its time for me to give back.Ive taken time out and now I need to put time in.

Happiness

2008-05-10T04:02:00.001+12:00

The beauty of life is not because of how happy you are, but how happy others are because of you.

the decision.

2008-05-06T11:35:00.003+12:00

After being in the US for almost a year,I will head home soon.I have my residency all sorted out which gives me the freedom to come and go as I please.That makes me happy...but the last couple of weeks have been a struggle trying to decide what to do.So making the decision has calmed my mind.I already had a return ticket and will use it instead of wasting it.Until this moment,I wasnt ready,wasnt able,to go back.
Now I have a longing in my heart to go back to my own home.The cottage that James and I redecorated,furnished and loved.I need to see my son and my grandson.I need to see my brothers and my mother..my nieces and my nephews.I need my space again.
Its been a wonderful,healing and loving time here and I will return.
But right now,I have to go home.The time is right.I feel New Zealand calling me.

Im so grateful to the wonderful friends here that have given me joy and hugs and taken me to all the new places.They helped me to discover and walk in the steps of my ancestors who came as pioneers from England.I feel their courage.
I love New England..my first ever white xmas,the gorgeous houses and buildings.
This place has healed me.
So before I leave I will go to OKC and see Danny Taylor.Hes excited Im coming and we can have some laughs together.And I will see my lovely Sleepless sista and my wonderful heart brothers and I will ride and get a suntan:)
Im getting stronger and its a great feeling.
Butterflies do fly free.

A Great Day

2008-04-30T13:09:00.002+12:00

Oh I feel so good today! I had a long talk to my brother in law Danny who I talk about on here often..hes been living with cancer for over 10 yrs and its trying to kill him! But hes so strong hes still alive and hes wonderful.
His voice was happy and his spirit positive.He even wandered out to the curb while he was on the phone with me to inspect the things his wife had put out for the trashman;) Typical man! they never want to throw anything out!!
Well hes made me feel so happy today.Thankyou Danny!
(this pic was taken in july last year at James memorial service)

Who will be there to help?

2008-04-22T04:02:00.001+12:00

Yesterday one of my girlfriends was in a harley shop hanging out with some of her friends just having a chat..a young boy about 12-13 came running into the shop and asked to use the phone.He was crying and he rang many numbers,none of which were answering.The boy had scratches on his face and strangle marks on his neck.
He told my friends that his mother had done it and then thrown him out of the house.
My friend rang CPS who said that because hed run away there was nothing they could do.(he ran from abuse)
It was getting on to 5pm.So they began to ring everyone,not wanting this boy to be left on the streets with nowhere to go.They rang Salvation Army who said ..not their problem,the local shelter who said hes too young to go there.They rang the police who told them that they would only be able to take him to his home(where hed been abused)..they rang numerous churches in the area and all didnt answer because by this time it was after 5pm.
So then my friend rang me and in tears,asked me what they should do.I said ring BACA (bikers against child abuse)..and in 20 mins and big bearded tattooed biker arrived and after comforting the child,put him on the back of his bike and took him to his own home where he was welcomed by his wife and his other children.
I have been having a lot of trouble lately with Christians who are supposed to be messengers of Christ,turning ppl away for one reason or the other.
There are now these huge televised churches that have a preacher on a screen and loud bands and a congregation of 3 thousand.I think they are great and will watch them online at times..but do they give you the love you need on a personal level? Do they visit you when youre sick? do they accept you unconditionally?
I know of churches that turn ppl away because theyre gay/smokers/any kind of reason to look down on ppl.
My belief is that God loves us..ALL of us.He doesnt judge or condemn.He accepts us as we are,sin and all.Of course he wants us to repent and sin no more,but we are only human and as such we are sinners.
Forgiveness is the biggest part of it all.When Jesus was hanging on the cross in wicked pain and suffering He thought not of himself but of those that had hurt him and he asked God to forgive them.
What has happened to the world that will allow a mother to produce 10 children and raise none of them? Is this boy to be thrown into the world where he will learn to lie,cheat and steal (like his mother) just to be able to survive on the streets?
Im so thankful that there are dedicated groups like BACA who help kids and not in the name of religion but in the name of LOVE..Im proud of them.

Freedom in America

2008-04-09T06:43:00.000+12:00

Yesterday I had my interview with immigration.The man seemed puzzled as to why I was there.He said you already have permanent residency and you dont need to do a thing!
He also told me that within 3 mths I can apply for dual citizenship!!
This is such a joy to me and such a relief.This is the land of milk and honey,of freedom and liberty..the place where my heart met my soul and where I found my love.
Im so happy and thankful that I can now spend my time in 2 countries as was James plan for me all along.
I can be with my friends here that are so good and kind to me.I have been helped by so many friends here and Im eternally grateful to them.I have found a church I love where I can sit and have solitude and sing good old hymns like Rock of Ages and How Great Thou Art.The women of the church are good kind sweet ladies that visit the sick and care for the elderly.
I talked to James brother Danny today and hes hanging in there and is one of the strongest bravest men Ive ever met..just like James.The Taylors are a strong breed:)
Its makes my heart happy to know that Danny found God.
Im now planning my trip back to NZ to see my family.I will go for a couple of mths and then come back here in time for summer.I will go to Oklahoma and ride around with Howard and be free in the wind living the same way I did before.
Some things have been very puzzling to me and Im confused but its nothing I can do anything about so Im leaving that in Gods hands.
But in general,Im feeling good.Im happy and at peace.
As usual Im thankful to my faithful family and friends.

Birthday Girl..

2008-03-30T04:04:00.001+13:00

Well its my birthday again.Last year I was still in enormous grief but this year...Well Ive definatley turned a corner.This is the first time I can honestly say that Im not in mourning:)
Something happened to me this week that made me go so far down and in real despair.It took me 2 days to get feelings back after I shut down to stop the pain.
Now in my heart, I have forgiven that person(tho they dont know) and I feel Gods peace and love washing over me again..Im moving on with my life now.I have strength back and determination.I am my fathers daughter once again.
Yesterday,my mum went out to Jakes and took a cake as it was his birthday 2 days ago.
We shared our party on cam and it was great.
The sun is shining in Boston and this week is going to be in the 60s! Summers coming and Ill be riding again..woohooo:)

Aftermath..

2008-03-29T13:09:00.000+13:00

Hit the bottom
Jump up
Turn the corner
Something unexpected
Everythings good.

Hurt..

2008-03-27T15:58:00.000+13:00

Something has hurt me so much that I cant even begin to explain it.
I dont want to discuss it here and it has nothing to do with the wonderful
kind friends that have taken me under their wings and allowed me to rest.
Rather,its been a rejection by someone I believed in.
Its hurt me down to the core of my being and plunged me into a hole so deep.
Theres such a darkness around it.
All of the good advice I can give to others,I cannot give to myself.
Im falling and I cant stop it.
Im sorry that Im writing this even.
My sorrow is amplifying all the grief I ever felt.Im trying hard to stop crying
but Im not succeeding..I need to be able to think...

Good Friday

2008-03-22T14:24:00.002+13:00

For God so loved the world so much
that He gave his only Son,so that everyone who believes in Him will not die but have eternal life.

For God did not send His son into the world to judge,
but to be its Saviour.
John 3:16

Feelings

2008-03-20T16:48:00.002+13:00

Im feeling sad tonight..James brother Danny,who I love so much,is losing his long battle with cancer.Hes had it for 10 yrs and has had all kinds of treatment but now its in his throat and its not lymphoma but oesphoheal cancer.Hes had radiation and chemo and hes very brave going through all of this.
I love him and think of him and pray for him every day.
Im feeling lost and lonely and wish I could be in OK with him..but its not possible at this time for me.
PLease pray for him..I love him.

My dear old Dad

2008-03-11T06:19:00.002+13:00

It is 7 yrs ago today since my dad died..he also had cancer.Luckily he didnt suffer as much as James did but it was so heart breaking watching my father slowly slip away.All of the family was there holding him and loving him and I was playing his favourite jazz music.
There were some funny things that happened..my mother had told him "you better not die on my birthday" and he obliged her by dying the day before;)
The hospice staff taught me a lot and in retrospect,it prepared me for the time that would come when I had to take care of James with cancer.
My fathers death changed my life in many ways..it gave me wings.He gave me so much strength that I knew if I survived his death,I could survive anything.I said to him on one of our last days sitting in the sun together "I cant bear this,my heart is going to break" He said "no it wont,it will grow" and it did.
So today as I sit in New England,with spring coming and some joy returning to my heart,I celebrate the lives of the 2 men I have loved so much.I am not sad because they no longer suffer.Im filled with love,a love that they taught me.

Love never dies.

2008-02-24T06:21:00.000+13:00

Today its a year since my husband James left this earth,heaven bound. Im celebrating the life and the person that was James Taylor....lifetime club member,honorable,respected,loving man who will always be remembered by those who love him.
He will never be forgotten.
Thankyou James for showing me supreme love,for telling me to fly free and to never settle for less than what you gave me
I miss you with all my heart.
Love never dies. xxxxxxx

Good friends..

2008-02-21T12:53:00.003+13:00

On saturday night we headed into Boston for some fun with friends.It was cold and so beautiful.The lights twinkled and the markets were warm.I had to get a new hat cos I forgot to take mine..The friends came from Pennsillvania,a long 6 hrs drive..They were wonderful and I enjoyed the weekend with them so much.
Its my friends that are getting me through this extremely hard week.Im crying a lot as I head towards the day that my James died a year ago.I look back with such sorrow and pain remembering the last week of his life.Im hurting..
But Im ok.If it wasnt forthe love of my friends I couldnt never survive this.They keep me afloat and they manage to even make me laugh.
Thankyou Lord for friends,for family and for love.

Life explained...

2008-02-10T12:35:00.000+13:00

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone

who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life

span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about

only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.

For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years?

That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give

you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long

and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to

support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life

span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to

live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back

the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll

give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give

me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the

monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that

makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep,

play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we

slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten

years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and

bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

My own Bucket List

2008-01-25T07:25:00.000+13:00

I went and saw the Bucket List last week and its a wonderful,funny,poignant story of 2 men (Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman)who,after finding themselves with cancer decide to make a list of all the things they want to do before they die.
Its a beautiful movie and I loved it.
While it reminded me that I must always live each and every day as if its the last,it also made me think about what I would put on my own bucket list.
I want to travel more and see things Ive only read about..
I want to make others smile and give some kindness every day.
I want to see my grandson grow into a good kind man,achieving his highest potential.
I want to see my son finish his new degree and find a job that satisfies him.
I want to ride,ride ride!!
And when I lay my head down for my final time,Iwant to be remembered as someone who loved and was loved.

Happy New Year..

2008-01-01T13:15:00.000+13:00

Im not going to recap my year on here..you all know what it was like.
Im just wanting to wish all my friends a loving,prosperous and peaceful new year.
May all of our wishes come true.
God Bless

James

2007-12-16T09:16:00.000+13:00

Happy birthday in heaven my sweet James.
I know you will be celebrating with angels.
Thankyou for loving me,for showing me how to love and to always expect the best.

I can still hear your laughter.I still smell you.
I smile when I think of the things we shared,that no-one but us will know.
The miracle of how you found your peace will always amaze me.
Your courage in the face of adversity made me so proud.
I still light a candle for you every single day.
I love you forever xxx

Silence

2007-12-14T15:54:00.000+13:00

We went for a walk tonight and the thing that struck me the MOST...was the silence!!
Utter quiet..The snow was thick on the ground.There was 8 inches of snow in New England and Ive never seen anything so beautiful:)
Its like walking in a Christmas card like I said on my last post.
Having come from New Zealand and having never seen snow before,this is a wonderous thing.Its not cold like I thought it would be...altho its gloves and hat and coat weather,I really thought the snow would feel freezing!
Oh Im happy tonight:)
Im living in a winterwonderland!

Somethings going to happen::

2007-12-10T09:21:00.000+13:00

Well my 3 mths stay in the states has now turned into 6 mths and Im still nowhere near ready to go back home. I have no wish to see the pity in the eyes of my friends and family.I dont want them to feel sad for me.I hate them having to wonder what they can do for me to ease my pain of losing James.
I am trying to make some new memories.I want to feel as if I can live each day without the stabbing pain in my heart that is LOSS..
I spend my days reading,writing,going out sometimes to the mall with a friend,walking from park bench to park bench..I go to the library across the road where each day I meet an old man who goes there to read the paper.(he told me he could get it delivered to his home but its nice to go to the library so he gets a break from his wife;)
Its been snowing here the last few days and I feel as if Im living in a Christmas card.Its so beautiful and white and shiny.The lights in ppls houses twinkle and glisten and the street is crunchy.I look outside in delight as the stark tree branches struggle to hold themsleves up laden with snow.
Im in a new dream.One where I am a different me..where I am not sad.Where I can look in the mirror and not think,gosh that woman looks grief stricken.I have new friends,I go to different churches and coffee shops,and no-one knows of my past.
My James photos are all over the house and his eyes still follow me everywhere.I smile at him as I go past.
I dont want Christmas..I wish it was all over but I will bear it for everyone else.
Ive posted gifts back to NZ..Im waiting for something but I dont know what it is.xx

Thanksgiving night:

2007-11-23T15:59:00.000+13:00

Tonight on thanksgiving,I want to say thanks to all of you wonderful,strong,amazing women..without you all I dont know how I would have gotten through the last couple of years.
I think of you all as my heart friends.Your love for me has kept me going through the most difficult time in my life.You have all kept me afloat when I felt like I was drowning,you have stopped me from falling off the cliff.
I am so thankful to know you...all of you are powerful,strong women who have made a big difference to other ppls lives.
You love unconditionally...you give without expecting anything in return.You love and you laugh.
Im so priviliged to have you in my life..
Thankyou SO much from the bottom of my heart

This was the letter I wrote to my special girlfriends tonight.Because I am so thankful.
But I have many other things to be thankful for as well.
Im thankful that I had a wonderful chance to find love with a man who loved me in return..I thank God that I was able to totally give of myself to him.
Im thankful that I was raised by good parents.They gave me good morals,insight and love.My mother taught me to cook and my father showed me the wonder of books and reading.They both taught me to be strong and brave.
Im thankful for having a wonderful son.Hes a good man with intelligence and wisdom.
Im thankful I have 2 gorgeous daughters.They make me laugh and keep me grounded.
Im also thankful to be in America now.I have good friends who love and care for me.They stop me feeling so much pain and sorrow.They take me for rides and show me new things.The have evn been known to wipe my tears.
I am on a new path now.Its another chapter in this life that is Butterflies.
To everyone who reads my blog,thankyou too.You support me.I need you.
Happy thanksgiving:)

Friends Forever

2007-10-14T13:59:00.000+13:00

Special people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person. I think this applies to friendship, love and romance.

When someone is in our lives for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. Now it is time to move on.

Some people come into our lives for a SEASON. Your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it; it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you are a reason, a season, or a lifetime

Plymouth,MA

2007-10-07T16:07:00.001+13:00

Last weekend I rode with Blue bike Mike and some other friends to Plymouth.It was so beautiful to be by the sea and smell the salty air.We ate clam chowder which was wonderful.On the way I saw the cranberries being harvested by flooding the fields and found out later that they get a million dollars an acre for them!
During the week Trish took me to the Topsville Fair which was a big agriculture show and I saw the biggest bulls Ive ever seen in my life!! Everything is bigger in America! I saw American eagles and beautiful owls.I dont think they looked very happy to be on show tho and they looked sad.
Im seeing a lot of things and Im trying to be happy and have fun.Some days I actually achieve it...

About time...

2007-09-26T13:00:00.000+12:00

I have gotten so many emails from friends who think Ive dropped off the side of the earth so I thought Id better take some time and blog:)
Last weekend I went to Maine with Shovel to stay with his brother Jimmy.It was so beautiful up there and of course on the way,I had to stop at the wine shop to get a case of wine.Its a huge liquor outlet and was meant to be cheaper but the wine I drink was actually more expensive.But I got some anyway and I was very glad to get off the motorway! It freaks me out!! theres SO many cars and trucks and everyones doing 70 mph and so clsoe together.I dont like it and at one stage actually cried with fear!Once we got past Boston the traffic wasnt as bad but still way more traffic than Im used to..and anyone who knows me,knows how much I hate the roads.The strange thing is that Ive never been scared on a bike,EVER! its just in cars.
So we arrived at Jimmys mountain late in the afternoon.It was a gorgeous day and felt wonderful to be way up high in the forest on the mountain.Hes got a cabin in the bush,well thick jungle type of bush.Id be scared to walk around in it cos Id get lost in seconds.
(Theres a pic of me and Jimmy and in the background you can see the forest)

As the sun dropped slowly down behind the hills,Jimmy began to cook dinner.He put some prime rib steaks on the BBQ and Ive never seen such huge bits of meat in my life! Mens kind of food I guess..
Afterwards he said lets go for a ride around the block...so 60 something miles later...LOL It was great and I loved every second of it.We had to pause on the road for 3 deer who ambled slowly across in front of us,but there was no traffic and the stillness and quiet of the beautiful Maine countryside was only interrupted by the roar of harley davidsons.Im sure the deer just came out to look;)
I have been so grateful to everyone here who have taken my under their wings and protected me and loved me.Ive met some genuine and loving friends who have eased my sadness immensely.I still feel such a big part of me is missing but its getting better.Im not in any hurry to go home.Maybe I will be here for a year.I would like to see all the seasons as they change.I dont want to go back to the sorrow that was behind me.Im learning to live again,without my James but with a new me.
Life is good..God is healing me.The ppl of America have welcomed me with open arms.

In Memory Of

2007-08-15T05:50:00.000+12:00

One of my friends made me this wonderful patch to sew onto my leather vest.
It ws a lovely thought and I will wear it with love and respect.
I miss my sweet baby James every day...even tho Im happy and having fun.
He is the Wind on My Shoulder when I ride.

Trucking around:)

2007-08-08T00:56:00.000+12:00

I flew from OKlahoma to DC and then Boston..and I was met at the airport by Shovel,James long time friend.We drove through the busy (terrifying) freeways at night and finally found an Applebees..my favourite resturant on earth.Eventually getting back to his house late at night.I was exhausted and slept for almost 2 days.
Then the truck was loaded up and off we went all the way to Atlanta! The trip took 4 days,driving through beautiful NC and Virginia,stopping for yummy breakfasts of bacon and eggs and hash browns..and dinners of steaks and BLTs.Ive become so hungry!! LOL I took lots of amazing pics and bought tees for Jake and Luke in Knoxville Tenessee,and beanie babies for Ez..I developed a deep respect for truckers.
Their job is so hard,keeping that huge truck on the road,backing into a *hole* to load and unload,driving for hrs at a time..driving all thru the night until they finally find a truck stop only to discover that its full so they have to stop on the side of the road just to sleep.They all have a sceret code where they let each other into the lanes,tell each other where the cops are,check to make sure each other is ok,say what the weather is like ahead.In Atlanta,late at night,it began to rain...so hard you couldnt see anything in front of you.Ive never seen rain like it and cars were hiding under bridges but we carried on,slowly but surely and I was amazed at the skill of these drivers..I grew to love the truck.I didnt realise how noisy it was with the hissing of brakes,the trucks are never turned off and after thinking I could never sleep with the noise,I actually was lulled into deep sleep on my bunk.
The truck stops have clean showers and provide towels and after that and breakfast,getting back into the truck and heading out again is great.Its a hard life tho.At one rest area,I walked the dog while Shovel slept in the afternoon and i watched as all the trucks pulled in.The drivers would get out,hardly able to walk,stretching their legs,breathing some fresh air,catching a couple hrs sleep and back on the road again.And I realised that not all trucks are the same! Theres peterbuilts,kenworths,internationals etc and I was pleased to know that his truck is a new shiny white huge truck ..one of the biggest and strongst.I am impressed with trucking and the life they live,tho I sure couldnt do it forever.
Last weekend I went with another friend to Cape Cod to visit his daughter.I loved the Cape..its so gorgeous.His daughter is a bright,intelligent,loving 10yr old and I loved spending the day with her.The shops there were all alternative lifestyle ppl,artists,musicians,ppl who had escaped New York in the late 70s..I have a wonderful day and am so thankful to the guys who are taking such good care of me.
My life is good and God is blessing me greatly...And Im happy:)

The final chapter

2007-07-24T03:02:00.000+12:00

Mum and I had a very long trip to Oklahoma and it was wonderful to see all the Taylor family again and my beautiful daughters..
The service was amazing.Matthew,who is the national president of the Covenant Christian Motorcycle Ministries took the service with great integrity and honor.It wasnt sad,but filled with love as we remembered a wonderful husband,father,brother and son.James presence was with us and there was tremendous love surrounding us all.God was keeping us in His hands.Matthew was funny,loving,strong and such a blessing to us as were the friends he bought along.My mother told Matthew that she didnt really like bikers til she met James and then Matthew;) She told me he was very handsome heh...My sister-in -love Sleepless spoke so eloquently with words straight from God..It was a beautiful day and I was happy.James final chapter is over.Hes resting peacefully.
I am now in Boston.Its gorgeous up here.The houses are quaint and old worldy and the neighbourhood im staying in is clean and safe.The coffee shop is across the road and is the local meeting place for the crowd of bikers who are all clean and sober now.Its a good place to meet instead of a bar.I feel happy here.I have laughed so much.Ive been riding every day and night...God has blessed me with wonderful,caring supportive friends and nothing will ever destroy me again.I feel strong again,full of life and Ive put on 5lbs!! Blimmen American food!!
I miss my Jake and Ezzie so much but feel happy knowing that I have given Jake my cottage so he can relax and enjoy cooking and living in a nice place.
Its been a full on couple weeks,Im tired still but elated.Its all good:)

A new beginning for me....

2007-07-07T18:19:00.000+12:00

This is my last saturday night in New Zealand.On Tuesday I begin my big journey..I will fly to Oklahoma via LA,to take James ashes home to his family.Its just over 4 mths since James died and I will return him to his family,just as he returned me to mine.Its a sad time but a time filled with hope.Its a new beginning for me.After the memorial service,I will go to a concert with some friends,drink a little red wine and have a toast to the man who taught me how to live.He showed me that there is more to life than material possessions.That as long as you can be in the wind,you are alive.I will always be grateful to him for that.
Now it is time for ME..after 2 yrs of mourning and sadness,Im going to party and have some fun.Im going to meet some new and some old friends.Im going to travel to all the states I havent seen.Im going to laugh and dance.Im going to be happy again.Im will be alive and riding once again.Life is so good:)
I know that life is all about what we make it.If we want to be happy we must first be happy.Like attracts like. Smile and someone will smile back..love and it will be returned.
Im excited,Im sad,Im scared but Im alive!! And Im going to make the most of it every day God gives me!!

Taking a break...

2007-06-25T21:42:00.000+12:00

Im taking a break from blogging for a while.I dont have much to say right now.This blog has been all about me and James.When I find something to say about me I will come back.Cheers I love yu all.

5 simple rules for happiness.

2007-06-02T21:24:00.001+12:00

" Five Simple Rules to Finding Happiness "
1. Free your heart from Hatred.
2. Free your mind from Worries.
3. Live Simply.
4. Give More.
5. Expect Less.

A search for positiveness

2007-05-25T21:11:00.000+12:00

I have had 3 specialist appointments this week.Monday was an occupational therapist,wednesday was a medical examiner and today was a clinical psychologist.
The first one was a woman and she was lovely.She got me to walk around and talk about my life,how my disability has affected me and what my limitations were.She was kind and caring and very professional..I had shingles and she was sympathetic and understanding.My ex came with me to all the meetings and he was great.He spoke some really wise words and remembered things I had forgotten.The first one said that I was incredibly lucky to still be walking and to still have my health and my life.
The second one was a man.He was horrible.He kept us waiting for half an hour while he talked on the ph to a friend about timber for his deck,then when he did ask us into his room he looked me up and down as if I were a piece of meat.It felt uncomfortable and inappropriate.He offered for me to go to *his* hospital that HE runs for 3 weeks! I would have a intensive treatment and water therapy LOL..I would stay there (away from my support network) at a cost of $15000 to the govt,and he then told me that altho it wouldnt help me at all it would make the insurers feel better that something proactive was done! He made me sick.
Today I went to the shrink..again with my ex.This was another woman.Lovely and kind,compassionate that I had a medical misadventure,and assured me that YES it was another loss for me.The loss of my leg and my health.She also said that Im intelligent and have a good grasp on my mental well being,that I comprehend whats happening to me and that she knew there was nothing more she could tell me that I didnt already know myself! She was also professional,moral,and well informed of my situation about James.She told me that I was managing wonderfully and made me feel extremely confident that I was doing the right things and that I was coping.
SO..2 out of 3 were great..both of them females.Their job was to assess me 18 yrs after suffering a massive deep vein thrombosis caused from a drug that was given to me 6 mths after it had been taken off the market for having that exact adverse reaction.Medical misadventure.Those words have echoed in my mind for years now.
I escaped that reality when I met James.I tried to run from my past,from the pain that I suffer constantly but Ive learned to live with...all of these meetings reminds me of what I have to deal with.Apart from grieving,and sickness.
But I thank God every day that I have some hope,that I will live in happiness and love.Today I thank my friends,every one of them because without their love and support,I couldnt cope.Yesterday it was 3 mths since James died.And his love is still with me..always will be.
I will move on..into the future,whatever it holds.I will be strong and I will keep my faith.I will love and I will laugh.I will never let my friends or family down.I will love God and I will be faithful.I will honor James and I will be all that he wanted.One by one,I will fulfill my dreams.
I will be positive and happy.Life is for living and I intend to do just that;)
Cheers:)

So much and nothing at all...

2007-05-19T22:22:00.000+12:00

This has been a strange month..so much has happened and yet nothing at all has happened.Last weekend was my brothers 25th wedding anniversary,last mth was his daughters wedding.Both events were really hard for me to get through but I did.I survived going to a wedding 2 weeks after James died,now another party celebrating a wedding.I felt so happy for them.And the time in between Ive been quietly at home,mending myself,healing my pain and loving my friends.I have the trip all planned and I am ready to go except that this week Ive gotten sick again..My bloody stupid shingles I got the week we moved back from OKlahoma to here have come back,almost 2 yrs to the day.I have real sharp pains inmy head and I feel miserable.I knew they could come back but why now??!! LOL..
Next week I have 3 specialist appointments for my disability and in between times,I cant eat..I cook something,then by the time I sit down to eat,I dont feel like it.Im trying really hard to look after myself but its hard and Im not achieving it as well as Id like.But I am happy.Life is good.Im feeling as if I could be loved again and I have some beautiful friends who help me day by day.But I still cant look in the mirror.The person I see has sad eyes and I cant look yet.One day I will see a happy person again I know.But Ive changed so much and I dont recognise the new me ...I know me but I look different.Maybe I dont to other ppl but I do to me.Its taking a bit of getting used to.
But I love this pic of Amy,my niece who was married last year,and I at the wedding anniversary last Saturday..Shes grown into a woman and I remember how it was to feel 24 again:)

Falling into PLace

2007-05-03T19:43:00.000+12:00

Well..the tickets are booked and all ready thanks to the lovely Sara.
We are leaving NZ on the 10th July and arriving in OKlahoma on the 11th.Its a long trip and we decided to take an over night stop over in LA so we wouldnt be so tired.
I will be taking my Baby James ashes home.We will have a memorial service and we will scatter his ashes at the lake where he proposed to me.His family will all be there and all the ppl he loves.His daughters will be there to say a final farewell to their Dad..Its neccesary for all of us and will give some kind of closure.
But every day I miss him so much.For the last 2 days I have been walking around with his drivers licence in my pocket and I take it out and kiss his pic.It helps.
He smiles at me from the photos on the wall and he loves me from heaven.
Im ok...I have had great support and kindness and as much as anyone can bear something like this,I am..
God is good and has been,and always is,the force that keeps me.

Gods Peace

2007-04-17T12:56:00.000+12:00

The peace of God has come apon me once again.I need to thank you all for the wonderful words of support,encouragement and understanding.
I have been having grief councelling as some of you suggested and its helped me a great deal.Ive learned that grief is a long process and if I take it one day at a time Im ok.I cant look too far ahead but I have to make some plans.
Ive decided that I will go to Oklahoma in July to James memorial service.I didnt think Id ever have the energy to travel again but I know that if I dont go I will always regret it.Its my final task to do for my beautiful sweet baby James.I will be there to spread his ashes and to feel the love of his family and mine.
I dont have any money but Im praying about that too.Things will all work out.
Mum tells me that shes coming with me..LOL shes going to England and Canada too.Not bad for an almost 80yr old woman:)
Im moving forward again.Back on the journey.Thankyou to Chana for the wonderful box of goodies and to Diane for the lovely fish wind charms..
I love you all.

Drowning

2007-04-11T21:12:00.000+12:00

I made a decision when I started this blog that I would write everything.The good and the bad.I wished that it would always be good and I could provide some help and some faith.But fate intervened.It began with the life of me and James.Now its just me.I try so hard to be happy and upbeat but...
I feel like a fish swimming up stream.Im fighting the current.I know the direction I have to go but the currents too strong.I want to get through it but its stronger than me..more powerful.Its swift and fast.I am strong but the current is stronger.I feel like i will drown.
All my best intentions are of no avail.My strength is running out.

Is this part of the journey forward?

New beginnings

2007-04-06T22:27:00.000+12:00

We all know that its not about the destination its about the journey...But the journey takes us to places..fun places,exciting places,scarey places,unknown territory,sadness death and LOVE.
Love is the most important thing in your life..love for kids,spouses,parteners,co=workers.
If you have no love on the journey,the destination IS an issue.
If you do have love,then you know where your going.
Now my life must move forward.Begin a new journey.
Easter is a good time.Its about birth and death..new beginnings.
Im about to start a new life:)

Look outside

2007-04-03T22:00:00.000+12:00

One night James said to me " I wish I could give you something...anything" I said "ok I'll have the moon"
He said "its yours baby".
Tonight is a beautiful moon and I can look up and believe its mine.
Love has no boundries.
Remember to love the one youre with..all the time,with all your heart.

2007-03-30T00:05:00.000+12:00

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Happy birthday Son

2007-03-28T20:56:00.000+12:00

Today is my beautiful sons birthday..as Ive said each year on my blog on his bday,his birth gave me life.Until I gave birth,I didnt know true love.He taught me to love unconditionally.Its a love that no-one can take away.
He was such a good baby..sleeping right through the night from 6 wks old.He smiled,he cooed and ate ..he did everything right.Ive never had any problems with him.He was so good with James..caring for him and loving him as much as I did.
Hes grown into a fine man.Im so proud of him and Im glad to be back in NZ where wer can spend time together.Tonight we went out for dinner:)
He ate only meat! But I adore him anyway...heh
Happy birthday Jacob.

The first month

2007-03-26T17:48:00.000+12:00

One month has now gone by since James died.It really has been such a rollercoaster(as someone called it)..But thank goodness,Im beginning to feel ok.I am now having beautiful dreams of James.We are together doing normal everyday stuff.Seeing friends,riding fast,laughing and loving.Im starting to forget the horribleness and the terror of the last weeks and Im no longer afraid.I have a great peace about me.
BUT..Yesterday I drove out for the first time by myself.But I talked to James all the way saying..look at me Baby,Im doing it:) I was really nervous and stressed and felt sick the whole time I was out and the minute I got back home the nauseous feeling left me.!!!The doc tells me this is anxiety.I still am shaken and jumpy while Im out but one step at a time....I have been told by lots of professionals that it takes time.I will be capable and strong again one day.
I miss him at nights the most and Im sure that all widows feel the same.I still talk to him as if hes here and I kiss his pic before I go to sleep and I play our music.Im not so tired and my energy is coming back.I talk to my friends and have heard ppl say the most amazing things.
I never thought Id ever have to call myself a widow.I have serious issues about forms I have to fill in...ones that ask..married or single? I dont think of myself as single.And calling myself widow makes me sound vulnerable and I dont like that.
Anyway,one day at a time..its only been one month.

Bizarre..the tree

2007-03-22T12:44:00.000+12:00

On the last day of James life,whilst we were driving back to the hospital,we had to stop at a roundabout.All of a sudden right beside the car,there was an almighty
CRRAAAAKKKKK and the tree not 10ft away,split right through the middle.For NO reason!
It was freaky! We all looked at each other and took it as a sign that James had fallen and I was left standing.
I dont usually see signs but it made me realise that I would carry on no matter what.I would not fall..

The wedding

2007-03-17T23:07:00.000+13:00

Today my youngest brothers daughter got married.She looked beautiful.
It was a lovely day and we had a lot of quality family time.I love weddings.They signify a future full of hope and love...of dreams and wishes.Full of wonder.
Shes such a good kid,,young,so young. I adore her.I wish her every good thing and Gods blessings.It was a good day and Im happy.

Thankyou

2007-03-15T10:16:00.000+13:00

With all my heart and soul,I want to say THANKYOU.
I have recieved cards,gifts,and flowers from all over the world...beautiful kind thoughts from friends and fellow bloggers.Each day the postman brings something it makes me so happy to know that ppl care and think about me.Its humbling and wonderful...Though these last weeks have been really hard,I have come to know who my real friends are,who really cares about ME.
For the last week I have been walking and reading and taking the occasional trip out with Jake..not going too far as I still feel vulnerable and fragile but each day gets warmer and softer.The nights are getting easier too.
My heart friends comfort me with E cards and little notes,emails and IMs.And I am so grateful.I could not have gotten through this without all of you.
A million times, I thankyou.

The Wake

2007-03-11T14:38:00.000+13:00

Last night we had the wake...I hadnt felt like it til now and all my friends were wanting to come and party and celebrate the life of James.We lit his chiminea,we looked at photos from OKC..we talked for hours about this wonderful man who has been such a big influence on so many ppl.He is very sadly missed by so many of us and will never never be forgotten.
Im getting better slowly..the real raw pain is not so bad and Im physically stronger.I still ache for his arms around me or to just kiss him and hold his hand but I am content knowing that the love we had was enduring and beautiful and something I will cherish forever.

Still alive and thinking...

2007-03-07T22:23:00.000+13:00

In the last few weeks,James was suffering.He was in an extreme amount of pain and they would give him more amd more and it would only last for an hour.In the last few weeks,hospice entrusted me to give him extra injections on the hour so they wouldnt have to come out all night..James was barely conscious but he was never comfortable.
They kept trying different drugs but most of them took a while to kick in.Sometimes 12 hrs.On the final monday,we had to go to hospital so that they could figure it out.But he was suffering.It was the most heartbreaking thing Ive ever gone through.When my Dad died from cancer,he went peacefully to sleep.he wasnt in pain.

While we were in the room standing vigil,me making sure that everything possible was being done,I watched a programme about ppl on death row,murderers,, being put to death with a lethal,legal injection and I thought how much easier their death was...all over from healthy to death in 2 mins......while my baby wanted to go,was trying to go but had to wait in pain as his body shut down..days.It didnt seem fair.
Neither James nor I believe in suicide,but we both think that there is a point at which someone should be able to say,enough is enough,this is suffering.
We dont let our animals suffer.We dont take our pet to the vet to have it put half to sleep.unconscious.They stop their suffering completely.

James loved life,right until he was being injected up to 12 times a day,was half conscious and could only sleep his days away...right up til he lost all independence.And he was so worried that hed become a burden to me..it was my pleasure and honor to look after him,,its what he would do for me.
I dont even believe in capital punishment cos I think that men convicted of haenious crimes should live and think and take their punishments.
I cried at one nurse one night and said put him to sleep properly..not dead,just unconscious so that he doesnt feel or know anything.They wouldnt.I wanted James to go when God called his name.All they had to do was make sure that he had enough medication so he slept thru the horribleness.The doctor told me that its far more unpleasant for the carers than for the patient.I dont know how she thought she could know that...One doc told me that shed never met me but she had never seen anyone more exhausted.I replied,I will rest later.This last week belonged to James.
Im coming right I think.I cleaned the cottage today,kissed my babys photo,talked to him,planted some petunias,took red dog for a walk.I could say that Im surviving.Tonight my brother rang and I told him I wished Id died with James.
He said would James have wanted that?
I went to the supermarket with jake the other day...I was shaking inside and all nervous.I didnt like being out.I wanted to get home.My confidence has taken a real shaking..I know that James is the wind on my shoulder and hes watching out for me.But I miss him so much.

Fly Free

2007-03-02T10:08:00.000+13:00

We sent off 55 red white and blue balloons..one for every year of James life.They soared high into the heavens..we all clapped,Red dog barked and barked and the wind blew strong.James was finally free from pain.It signified the end of suffering.

When James left,he took the summer with him.He always loved summer the most.Because theres never a day that you cant ride,not that anything would stop us riding..except snow.Now the evenings are cooling off and the morning grass is coated with soft dew and theres a mist drifting in the air.
A new season has begun.Its autumn and the leaves are just beginning to turn and drop.Its the month of my birthday.and my sons too.Its a time for us to remember the summer but rejoice in the newness of the coming season.
I have climbed the highest mountain and fallen down the other side.Today Ive crashed.I didnt know there was a term for it but hospice came to see me and I am flat and hollow.I wander around and I cant get out of my PJs.I talk to James.I sing songs.To the outside world I must look crazy,insane.But its just a crash.They tell me its perfectly normal and that because of all the caring Ive done and now I have no tasks,Ive crashed...into a heap on the floor at times.Sometimes just staring into the sky,dazed and shocked..My love is gone from the cottage yet I feel him all around me.Hes in everything.The furnishings he chose,the music,the garden..
His photos are everywhere and each day I chose a new one for my desktop.I say Hi Baby when I see him...maybe I will turn into a muttering crazy old lady but I just dont seem to care..Im in a world of dreams.

To Love is to Share:

2007-02-26T21:50:00.001+13:00

The hearse pulled up slowly outside,James coffin had the American flag I had given to the undertaker draped across with the sunflowers we had picked from our garden that he had grown placed on top.
We drove in slow procession to the crematorium with our lights on slowing traffic...time stood still.
James was carried inside and we prayed.I read the last love letter to James that he had written to me.

It said "I lie down each night to go to sleep,always making sure I thank the Lord for your entering my life before closing my eyes. I cherish each touch of your hand,every tone of your kiwi voice.You have given me a lifetime of joy and love in such a short timeframe.Thankyou Baby.I love you"

We all drew on the coffin..little notes to James.Ezzie drew sunflowers and Jake drew a harley.I wrote..Thanks for the ride Baby,I owe ya one:) Mum wrote,thankyou for making my daughter so happy and loving her so much,Robbie wrote "James,Im in awe of you..your love knows no boundries"
When we got home to our cottage the family had gathered with food and flowers.My brother conducted a lovely service.Each person was invited to share their thoughts and we read the emails from friends far away.And we prayed for James family..Afterwards we went outside into the hot summer air and each let go a balloon..red,white and blue..the colors of America.James loved his country and I did too.
Then we celebrated the life of James Taylor.A man of honor and integrity,of goodness and of hope.
A man who had grown to know Jesus and who had a deep faith..My brother spoke of how James taught him that anyone can be forgiven..no matter what.God loves us and gave his Son for us so that we may have everlasting life. My heart broke with pride..James never once complained.He saw something good every day,even when he could no longer walk or go outside.He just was peaceful.He was gentle and loving and had a shining light around him.We toasted him with deep red wine...and watched as the moon came up.We lit his chiminea and talked in groups and God was with us ..
I slept that night,peacefully and deeply. James was finally free.
Today I feel stunned...flat,shocked,lonely,and I dont know what to do because my whole life has been consumed with caring for James.
Tomorrow will be better.Each day will get better...the last words James heard me say to him was 3 hrs before he died..I said Go Baby...I promise I will be OK..He felt at ease enough to leave.
I will be OK.I have faith,friends and family.I will be free and happy again.Thats what my sweet Baby James wants.
Thankyou all for the wonderful,loving and caring words..thanks for your prayers and your support.
You are all keeping me afloat.I come and check my blog and I cry with the rest of you.It helps me to grieve and to remember that Im loved.
Thankyou,thankyou.