I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Monday, December 10, 2007

Somethings going to happen::

Well my 3 mths stay in the states has now turned into 6 mths and Im still nowhere near ready to go back home. I have no wish to see the pity in the eyes of my friends and family.I dont want them to feel sad for me.I hate them having to wonder what they can do for me to ease my pain of losing James.
I am trying to make some new memories.I want to feel as if I can live each day without the stabbing pain in my heart that is LOSS..
I spend my days reading,writing,going out sometimes to the mall with a friend,walking from park bench to park bench..I go to the library across the road where each day I meet an old man who goes there to read the paper.(he told me he could get it delivered to his home but its nice to go to the library so he gets a break from his wife;)
Its been snowing here the last few days and I feel as if Im living in a Christmas card.Its so beautiful and white and shiny.The lights in ppls houses twinkle and glisten and the street is crunchy.I look outside in delight as the stark tree branches struggle to hold themsleves up laden with snow.
Im in a new dream.One where I am a different me..where I am not sad.Where I can look in the mirror and not think,gosh that woman looks grief stricken.I have new friends,I go to different churches and coffee shops,and no-one knows of my past.
My James photos are all over the house and his eyes still follow me everywhere.I smile at him as I go past.
I dont want Christmas..I wish it was all over but I will bear it for everyone else.
Ive posted gifts back to NZ..Im waiting for something but I dont know what it is.xx

posted by butterflies @ 9:21 AM


At 2:11 PM, Blogger sleeplessinoklahoma said...

Hey sister!!!
I am so glad things are better. The lights are beautiful. I enjoy them as I drive home at night. Kinda like little beacons of beauty, love, & hope just twinkling out there in the dark for weary travelers.

Just cold & drippy here. May be a little icy on the drive to work, but nothing bad. Suppossed to rain all day tomorrow, but no ice.

Going to the library to read the paper rather than have it delivered. Now that just may be the secret to a long marriage. ~smiles~

Have a blessed week!!! Talk to ya soon.

Love you my dearest sister-in-love!!!

Blessed be...

At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Elaine said...

Hi Butterflies! what a beautiful post.. i myself looked out with delight at the snow today, but also want to skip Christmas, not sure why.. btw i loved that picture of the birds!

At 8:00 AM, Blogger Polar Bear said...

I'm glad you are making new memories. I can only imagine how difficult this time of year would be. I don't really like this season either. But for different reasons.

I wish you all the best. I hope you go out with your friends and have a decent time at least.

NZ will be here when you are ready to come back.

At 1:59 AM, Anonymous fuknKIWI said...

Wow what a great photo did you take it?
It just makes me want to smile & hopefully you too.


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