I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Ticking away...into the future.

Time is ticking by so fast..I just want time to stop.Each day that I wake and see my lover breathing is pure joy but I realise its another day thats gone and that one day they will run out.
James is tired now.He sleeps for 12-15 hrs a day and I sit and watch him.Then I get restless so I cook just as my mother did when Dad was dying.Yesterday I baked a sultana cake,James favourite and spagetti sauce and tomato relish.I wander round the garden and pull out a few weeds,throw a stick for reddog,fill the bird feeders,pick vegies,walk across the paddocks...but I keep coming back to kiss James forehead and he opens his eyes and says * I love you*....smiles and goes back to sleep.Hes wearing down..fading away.Not in his mind but his body is so small now.His jeans are baggy and his belt is notched up tighter.His cheeks are sallow and his eyes dark.
But when he wakes up late in the afternoon,we kiss and hold each other and the he goes out to inspect the lawns...mowing them every second day:)He lights his chiminea and watches the flames flickering in the early evening sky.
He reads the paper,he reads time magazines,he reads everything he can find...I bought him a huge harley book with every single harley ever made in it and he reads that.He reads his bible every day..the one Phil bought him.He is close to God and he is happy.Im happy for him but Im sad for me.I dont want to lose him.I love him.

posted by butterflies @ 9:40 AM


At 11:33 AM, Blogger sleeplessinoklahoma said...

I love you sister-friend!! I know how hard this stage is to live. I wish I could make this go away...for you & for James. I would give anything to take away his physical pain, the slow process that he is going through. I would, if I could, fix it so he would stay with you forever. Sadly, I cannot.
Know that I am with you both in spirit-that my love crosses all the miles between us. Not one day goes by that I do not think of each of you & send up a little prayer.
I am so glad that James is at peace with the Lord. That makes such a difference. I know it did with Dave. Sleep is healing as is everything else James is doing.
Cherish each day as I know you are. Hold tight to James' love for you. It is a gift! You are blessed woman to have known this kind of love-some of us go a lifetime & never know how it feels to be loved this way.
Hugs, kisses, love to all

At 12:43 PM, Blogger Polar Bear said...


At 1:09 PM, Anonymous Shirley said...

You are in my prayers every day. Please give James a hug for me - from Diane's sister in law in case he doesn't remember me. And one to Cori too. And a big wrap around for you... You all have been wonderful for each other and have such great memories. I am glad James gets up and does things that make him happy and content. Love, best wishes & peace.

At 3:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Big hugs to the both of you. I'm sorry for your sadness, and so happy for your joy.

At 4:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish i could be there to give you a hug. I cant imagine what your going through, but i know it is the most difficult time of your life. I am so grateful to god for giving you to James. I hope your rewards for being you is a grand one. I wish there was some way i could take away some of your hurt. I know you have taken away a lot of James'. Tell Cory this side of the pond just isnt the same without her, and i hope shes doing as well as possible...love Doug

At 6:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The sultana cake is a good reason to live! I have decided that I will not die on a Tuesday, inasmuch as you bake on Monday. Love you, Sweetheart, with all my being.

At 6:31 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love the three of you, and am so glad you are in a peaceful place with serenity to ease your load. My heart is with you,

At 6:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry about that, the last comment was from me. I was so absorbed typing the word verification I forget to finish my comment :-)



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