I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Taking Care..

My family have been so wonderful to me all through James illness that Im really longing to take care of them again..
For a year I couldnt take my mother to lunch or drive her around to do extremely important things (like ..umm..taking her always broken phone to telecom or picking up some photos shes had developed..etc!)
Because I could hardly leave the house,I missed out on so much that I normally would do for others.It was a year that everyone came to visit ME...But because of that year I left and kept on running until I have finally stopped now,one year later.
Ive always run away..the first time I was 11yrs old and the whole street was out looking for me.I broke down finally and rang home at 4am to be picked up 2 towns over.When ever things got tough for me I ran away.Im still doing it.Luckily I have 2 whole countries to live in now and lots of places to run to!
But this time Im going home and cant wait to do all the things Ive been missing out on since James got cancer and life came to a standstill.
Everyone told me it would take at least a year for me to heal and it has.Over a year actually.But Im not in grief now and I feel strong again,strong enough to take care of others.Ive been hiding away and licking my wounds.I still have raw patches that I scratch at but they are lessening now.I can look at myself in a pic and not think that someones missing.I can look in the mirror and see a whole person again.
Its been a long process but a very good learning time.Ive met some wonderful ppl and made some lifelong friends.Everyones been caring for me and now its time for me to give back.Ive taken time out and now I need to put time in.

posted by butterflies @ 11:28 AM


At 5:43 AM, Blogger Child of the Wolf said...

I totally understand this. As you know, I too am a runner. Time is an amazing thing when it comes to healing. You never get over the experience you went through, but you do move past it back into the light of living. You have entered that light. The time is right & you know it just as I knew this time would come for you. I am so excited that we can spend some time together before you leave. Final hugs to last awhile, final tears that will flow no more, never goodbyes, just farewells. It is time to use your gifts again. Others need you. You are ready!!
Blessed be...

At 8:39 AM, Blogger Dr.John said...

You have reached the end of the grief process. You are ready now to live life as it is not as it was. That's what grief is supposed to do. It moves us from the past to the present.

At 8:33 AM, Blogger Polar Bear said...


I can understand the running away part. That's a natural reaction. I do that a lot too.

I'm so proud of you. You've come so far. It cannot be easy. But I'm so glad you are ready to come home again.

At 12:03 PM, Blogger Louisiana said...

i had always ran away too. maybe not so physically but certainly emotionally. i could never take the time to grieve, learn the lesson at hand or just take time to feel, i always pushed it into a place in my heart/mind and moved on.....at 38 i decided that i would learn to face life and emotions and little by little that is what i have been doing. little did i know that is what emotional maturing is.

counselling has helped but the initial admission had to come from within and the first step had to be mine. with what happen to this family last year and all the horrible suffering that was because of it from all of us i could have ran again and thrown myself into another relationship or anything but not face the sorrow and the facts. i'm proud of me for choosing to face life and in so doing i'm finding that I can comfort myself, I am in control of my emotions, I can and do for I am in control...to be honest with oneself has ment for me that i have given myself control for the first time of my present and my future and i'm learning to deal with the past. to deal that is such a huge step.

i don't know if it's a one year journey or longer for you or for me. our causes are different but inner strength and courage we both have and we both want the same thing: to heal and move forward completely.

sometimes i have found i might take 2 steps forward, one sideways and 1 backwards. pls remember that if you might find that you are not always 100% perfect on your journey it is MOST PERFECTLY alright and normal. that too is part of it all. acceptance for oneself and for where we are in our path.

i love you. i miss you. i'm just trying to be a mom to kids who need me and be my own best friend and so i'm not often on the computer it seems.

pls remember we take care of those we love out of love. you need to repay no one, do anything you can for your loved ones out of love not out of a need of debt or obligation and take care of yourself too.

with James you took care of him 24/7 and as wonderfully loving that was, you needed and deserved time to take care of you. you must not feel bad about that. that too is part of the healing.

do what you can and never, ever forget to look after your own wings.


At 6:06 PM, Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

Paying it back is always so important too, and you will feel great for it too.

At 7:54 AM, Anonymous elaine said...

Hi butterflies.. how wonderful to see your comment today...


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