I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Friday, February 02, 2007


We have moved onto another level in our relationship.Its a spiritual world.We have no idea what the time is,what the date is...I eat when someone makes it for me.I have all this stuff in the cottage..wheelchairs(James thinks he wants to try it tomorrow he really wants to look at the garden and the sky.)Drugs by the bucketload.Sharps containers.Commodes.
I bath James but I dont think we can do that much longer. maybe he will have his last one tomorrow.Then we will bathe his with soft cloths and I will shave him.
He still makes me laugh.He sleeps in a deep world of dreams..remembering,and smiling to himself.Id love to ask him what hes dreaming but I dont want to disturb something so wonderful..its just my curiousity.
The pump sites keep breaking down and forming hard lumps where the sharp needles pierce his thin skin..he winces when they put new ones in but I say..Man! youre have 2 really bad bike crashes!We laugh.
He eats jello..he likes lime.Has a few peppermints for his dry mouth.I know what to do cos I did it all for my father but never knowing that God was teaching me how to prepare me for this.
Its a time when everything stands still yet life goes on around you in front of your eyes.We have baby goldfish and hoglet.We had a full moon last night.We have so much.Every hour is ours.Every look and touch is ours.
I dont want to leave him to even sleep but Im so exhausted.We have arranged a family roster to come and be with him at night while I sleep and friends also have asked to come and be with him.Its otherworldly.I feel as if I am watching myself do this.
I am so happy ..James is peaceful and angelic.He glowing with an aura.I cant explain it.I dont want to look forward.I just want to be here,now.
I am with the love of my life.The man I searched for without any knowledge of it.
He has taught me SO much.Hes reminded me to live.To LIVE!!! remember the old saying,tomorrow may never come.
But most of all this is an intimate time.A last farewell,a lovers last weeekend.
There may be a couple of weeks,who knows? God does.Only Him.

Heavenly Father we pray that you will be with us at this time.Guide us to You and be with all of those who love James and me.We thank You for giving us your own Son in sacrifice so that all of us can be washed in the blood of the lamb.You lost your Own son so that we might life.You taught your son forgiveness and we thank you for your understanding of us.We thankyou for saving James.Hes buzzing out about meeting You.
We thankyou for our families who love us and have always supported us.Most of all we thankyou Father for bringing us together.We have found LIFE.

posted by butterflies @ 10:48 PM


At 11:37 PM, Blogger Chana said...

Your post is so moving and so beautifully written. Straight from the heart. with the first couple i was moved to tears. tears are not always bad. these are full of joy and sorrow.

James and you have taught me and shown me the way for so many lessons of life and love. most of it, will surely take me a lifetime to fully understand, your lessons are that deep. yet, you have done this all, while letting us into such a private time. oh, how i thank you for that. you have let us/me, be a part of your family. with it's joys and sorrows, in life and in what is to come.
i'm sorry you are exhausted my love. i honestly wish that i could get you a cup of tea or make you something to eat and hold you.
Through the oceans and under the same blue sky, i imagine i hold you and i keep on praying for you all. You are not alone by a long shot. My heart as so many others, is with you.
In my beautiful friendship calendar that you sent me, for the month of February are these words:

"Whenever your words are spoken thorugh a smile or through a tear, I will listen with all my heart"

i love them, they say so much and i tell them to you my love. I'm here..and will be for all my tomorrows.

James, i love you and thank you for so much...


At 1:49 AM, Blogger Autumn said...

Even though I have only been following your life for a few short months I have been deeply touched by it and by the love that is felt in your family. For the faith that you have and the time you have given each other in this life. I know it must be so very hard to let go of each other, but I know James is tired. I am thinking of you all and praying you will find peace

At 3:13 AM, Blogger sleeplessinoklahoma said...

Although this is a time of saddness, it is also a time of beauty. I know the aura of which you speak. I, too, have seen it. To be able to help someone transition is such an honor & a blessing for all involved. I know James feels your love. I believe he feels the love we all send every day. I thank God he is painfree. I am so happy you have such a wonderful support group. That means so much. And though you don't want to miss a moment with James you must rest. James will tell you what he sees when it is time. For now (I know the curiosity) they are his travels for short vists to the Other Side.

I send love, I send prayers, I send good vibes, I send hugs, & smiles.

Dearest Lord send the peace only You can give. Give Bev rest for her body. I humbly ask this in the name of your Son Jesus.

My dearest tribe...my sister-friend & the brother of my heart...

Blessed be...

At 4:02 AM, Blogger for what it's worth said...

I remember the aura. I always thought it was the Pure love for my mother surrounding the body of someone who loved so well during her life.
You have written with such love and dignity for both of you. Some would rail against the world, while you have accepted God's merciful plan and are living His teachings. Love One Another.

I too wish I was closer. A cup of tea, A foot rub, a shoulder to lean on. But please know dear, dear Butterfly, that prayers surround both you and James each and every moment.And these prayers and humble hearts will be with you forever. You have touched my life, you have touched other lives as well, and you will continue to touch long into the Eternity.

Our Father, Who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.

Much love

At 6:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...



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