I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Friday, May 25, 2007

A search for positiveness

I have had 3 specialist appointments this week.Monday was an occupational therapist,wednesday was a medical examiner and today was a clinical psychologist.
The first one was a woman and she was lovely.She got me to walk around and talk about my life,how my disability has affected me and what my limitations were.She was kind and caring and very professional..I had shingles and she was sympathetic and understanding.My ex came with me to all the meetings and he was great.He spoke some really wise words and remembered things I had forgotten.The first one said that I was incredibly lucky to still be walking and to still have my health and my life.
The second one was a man.He was horrible.He kept us waiting for half an hour while he talked on the ph to a friend about timber for his deck,then when he did ask us into his room he looked me up and down as if I were a piece of meat.It felt uncomfortable and inappropriate.He offered for me to go to *his* hospital that HE runs for 3 weeks! I would have a intensive treatment and water therapy LOL..I would stay there (away from my support network) at a cost of $15000 to the govt,and he then told me that altho it wouldnt help me at all it would make the insurers feel better that something proactive was done! He made me sick.
Today I went to the shrink..again with my ex.This was another woman.Lovely and kind,compassionate that I had a medical misadventure,and assured me that YES it was another loss for me.The loss of my leg and my health.She also said that Im intelligent and have a good grasp on my mental well being,that I comprehend whats happening to me and that she knew there was nothing more she could tell me that I didnt already know myself! She was also professional,moral,and well informed of my situation about James.She told me that I was managing wonderfully and made me feel extremely confident that I was doing the right things and that I was coping.
SO..2 out of 3 were great..both of them females.Their job was to assess me 18 yrs after suffering a massive deep vein thrombosis caused from a drug that was given to me 6 mths after it had been taken off the market for having that exact adverse reaction.Medical misadventure.Those words have echoed in my mind for years now.
I escaped that reality when I met James.I tried to run from my past,from the pain that I suffer constantly but Ive learned to live with...all of these meetings reminds me of what I have to deal with.Apart from grieving,and sickness.
But I thank God every day that I have some hope,that I will live in happiness and love.Today I thank my friends,every one of them because without their love and support,I couldnt cope.Yesterday it was 3 mths since James died.And his love is still with me..always will be.
I will move on..into the future,whatever it holds.I will be strong and I will keep my faith.I will love and I will laugh.I will never let my friends or family down.I will love God and I will be faithful.I will honor James and I will be all that he wanted.One by one,I will fulfill my dreams.
I will be positive and happy.Life is for living and I intend to do just that;)

posted by butterflies @ 9:11 PM


At 5:30 AM, Blogger sleeplessinoklahoma said...

Sounds like you are doing okay...except for the male doctor-what a jerk! I am glad the other appointments were so positive. I think of you everyday, but it has been so busy here at work that I haven't had much time to take a breath. I love you, I miss you, & I am so looking forward to your visit.

Blessed be...

At 12:13 PM, Blogger Dr.John said...

We knew there were crooks in the medical profession . It is too bad you had to run into one. He doesn't care about people but about money. The other two treated you the way you deserve to be treated. You are a person of great character and strength. God will keep blessing you.

At 2:39 AM, Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

Second person was so unprofessional..how terrible.
I am glad you are going well, best thoughts your way :)

At 6:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had my own little medical adventure this week. There were two patients in the Emergency at the same time, and they almost gave me her medication. Thank heavens I had Son with me who asked why I needed medicine before I had even had my xrays to confirm my injury. She went a checked...wrong patient. I am so glad to hear you had someone with you. I think that is absolutely vital, especially in emotional issues.

The jerk in the middle sounds like just that...a jerk. I am sorry you were made to feel that way. Dr. John is correct...there are crooks who seem to enjoy milking insurance companies. He'll get his one day.

You are a strong, sound person as the third doctor indicated. And you hae much to offer, share and teach. Your love and commitment still serve as an example to many of us out here. Your undying friendship....also appreciated by many of us.

Remember, James is not gone...he is in each and every smile you give, each dream you have, each hand that reaches out, and your hand that reaches in.

Much love to you, Butterfly....

At 8:59 AM, Blogger Polar Bear said...

The medical examiner sounds awful! I'm not surprised, though.

But so glad that the OT and psychologist was kind and good to you. I think you have amazing strength, amazing capabilities. But you need to take care of yourself, and be OK with times when you do crumble and fall apart. You've been through so much, your illness, James' illness and IT'S OK if you don't feel so strong and capable. I just know that you will come out of it a whole being, taking all the positives and gain courage from that.


At 6:16 PM, Blogger Susan said...

I hope the shingles clear up quickly. The trip to Oklahoma sounds like a very special time.
Your continued strength as you continue on with life amazes me.
I keep hearing this song on the radio, and every time it comes on I think of you. It called Always on your Side by Sheryl Crow And Stimg. Its so pretty.

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away
But every now and then you come to mind
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But my demons and my angels reappeared
Leavin' only traces of the man you thought I'd be
Too afraid to hear the words I always feared
Leavin' you with only questions all these years

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wonder, all alone, eternally
When this isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well if they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side.


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