I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Monday, March 26, 2007

The first month

One month has now gone by since James died.It really has been such a rollercoaster(as someone called it)..But thank goodness,Im beginning to feel ok.I am now having beautiful dreams of James.We are together doing normal everyday stuff.Seeing friends,riding fast,laughing and loving.Im starting to forget the horribleness and the terror of the last weeks and Im no longer afraid.I have a great peace about me.
BUT..Yesterday I drove out for the first time by myself.But I talked to James all the way saying..look at me Baby,Im doing it:) I was really nervous and stressed and felt sick the whole time I was out and the minute I got back home the nauseous feeling left me.!!!The doc tells me this is anxiety.I still am shaken and jumpy while Im out but one step at a time....I have been told by lots of professionals that it takes time.I will be capable and strong again one day.
I miss him at nights the most and Im sure that all widows feel the same.I still talk to him as if hes here and I kiss his pic before I go to sleep and I play our music.Im not so tired and my energy is coming back.I talk to my friends and have heard ppl say the most amazing things.
I never thought Id ever have to call myself a widow.I have serious issues about forms I have to fill in...ones that ask..married or single? I dont think of myself as single.And calling myself widow makes me sound vulnerable and I dont like that.
Anyway,one day at a time..its only been one month.

posted by butterflies @ 5:48 PM


At 8:31 AM, Blogger sleeplessinoklahoma said...

Widow isn't so bad...it signifies you had a great love,& he is waiting for you on the other side. Single is worse...no one cared enough to marry someone. Divorced is worse yet...it signifies, to society, that somehow you failed. Widow is a sad, but positive title. Hey, there is no title for me.

I'm glad you got out on your own. Small steps is what it is all about. I am glad you are feeling better. It will get better day by day, but you will always miss James. Eventually it just won't hold the same kind of pain.

Take care, be good to yourself. You always have the wind on your shoulder, & me beside you in spirit. I love you very much!!!

Blessed be...

At 8:53 AM, Blogger Polar Bear said...

That's pretty good progress for the first month.

You won't be "capable and strong one day"... you already are. I know it's hard. I can't imagine how hard... but I know you are incredibly brave.

Hang in there. As you say, one day at a time.

Polar B.

At 10:01 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are doing so well for being a month. I am not sure I could even get up off the floor, and there you are out and about. It is not hard to tell that God's comforting spirit is by your side.

Labels are always such a tough thing. I believe that love crosses the realm of life and death and follows us into the Eternities. With that thought, I think you are still married, and always will be.

I wish you were here in the Canola fields too. But, I think we'd be having a tad more fun in the big puddles. I keep letting my pups out and they keep coming back in with webbed feet.

Love you!

At 10:32 AM, Blogger butterflies said...

Yeah...widow is just another label and I shouldnt see it as a negative thing sleepless! I do feel married still and always will.Nothing can replace what james has given me as his wife.
But Ive always had a problem with labels..I dont ever seem to feel as if I fitted into any box!
As 4 reminded me..the glass is half full:)

At 12:52 PM, Blogger Dr.John said...

Your doing fine considering all you have been through. Your right it's one small step at a time.

At 4:02 PM, Blogger Gary said...

Sounds to me like your doctor is right.

At 3:40 AM, Anonymous Jake said...

aah yes, from my mother I learnt a deep seated reluctance for fitting into anyone else's boxes. Tick none, or all, and let them figure it out on their end! Proud of how well you are doing, and of how you honour James in your daily living.

At 2:55 PM, Blogger Keshi said...

Butterflies Im here for the first time and I came here thru Cazzie's blog.

I'm so sorry that ur going thru a really tough time right now but I think ur handling it with true courage and strength. I read the back-log and I had tears as I read ur story and abt James.

May the sweet memories of the years u've spent with him always keep his spirit alive. HUGGGGGGZ!



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