I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Wednesday, April 11, 2007


I made a decision when I started this blog that I would write everything.The good and the bad.I wished that it would always be good and I could provide some help and some faith.But fate intervened.It began with the life of me and James.Now its just me.I try so hard to be happy and upbeat but...
I feel like a fish swimming up stream.Im fighting the current.I know the direction I have to go but the currents too strong.I want to get through it but its stronger than me..more powerful.Its swift and fast.I am strong but the current is stronger.I feel like i will drown.
All my best intentions are of no avail.My strength is running out.

Is this part of the journey forward?

posted by butterflies @ 9:12 PM


At 1:10 AM, Blogger sleeplessinoklahoma said...

YEp, this is an unfortunate part of the journey-a part of the grieving process. I know there are days you just want to stay in bed, days you don't want to talk to anyone, days you don't want to get dressed much less go outside. Hon, you have to move--keep taking your walks, get dressed every day, rearrange the furniture. Anything that gets you moving. I, fortunately for me not so much for the rest of the world, had a job to come to. I was cranky, etc. for a long time. Some days I didn't even answer the phone. My co-workers answered & took messages & I called back when I was in better spirits.
I know it is so hard right now, but it has been such a short time since James left you. The process is one of ups & downs. Some days are just better than others. You will survive, you will learn to live without James beside you (physically I mean...he is always with you in spirit). Everyone grieves in their own way, in their own time, but I believe a year is needed to grieve. Then that second year you start feeling more like yourself. 2 1/2 yrs later I am able to make decisions about my life & make many changes. I only lost a brother which in no way compares to the loss of a husband.
When that drowning feeling comes on you, get outside in the fresh air. Take up tai chi--nice gentle movements-slow motion, but it is great for settling the mind & spirit. It will get easier as time goes by. Hang in there sista!! I love you very much!!

Blessed be...

At 10:39 AM, Blogger Polar Bear said...

oh B.... I know it's been such a struggle. Yes, I do think this is part of the journey forward. Hang in there. Is there anything I can do for you? I know I'm not living in the same town as you are, but I'm pretty close. At least we are in the same country! Let me know if you want to just email/chat. I can give you my mobile number.

At 3:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

B, I think it is part of the journey forward. So much has changed and you're just not practiced yet at doing it alone. It will get better, and you'll be stronger in the end. I'm sorry you're hurting. My heart goes out to you. ((())) - Elaine

At 5:09 PM, Blogger for what it's worth said...

I can not even begin to imagine the heartache you feel. I know what I felt when I lost my folks and my wee one, but I can not imagine losing my sweetie. That being said....

I know that grief does come in stages. And when one combines the loss of a loved one AND the loss of the caregiver role it can be even more complicated.

If you can try to remember that God does not give us more than we can handle, perhaps it might help you to look at the eternal perspective. It seems overwhelming, but God IS by your side. And so is James. And so when you feel yourself pushing against the current...we are the stones to hang onto as you swim. We are there to send out a lifebuoy. We are here to share the thoughts. The good the bad and the ugly. There will be dark days ahead, but there will also be days of glorious sunshine and hope. Soon there will be more days of sun and warmth than gloom. ( Now, if only that were true in my actual weather...not my analogy).

We are here dear B. Always and forever to swim with, to laugh with, to cry with, to pray with, to be with.

Much love to you, today

At 6:52 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do not try to swim so fast. Take the current as it comes. Remember James is by your side for this journey too!

Maria ( New Jersey)

At 7:55 PM, Blogger Cazzie!!! said...

One day at a time is what it will take. You are doing the right thing, each day you say hello to a new image of your love. Making sure you tae time for yourSELF is important too.
I think this is part of the letting go process, you are trying to hold on. This is not wrong, nothing is wrong..it just IS.
I don't know if I referred you to this book I read at the lowest point of my life, "The Power of Now" by Eckhardt Tolle. Borrow it from the Library, or buy it, you won't regret it. It will help you out, if yourSELF lets you that is :)

At 10:08 AM, Blogger Cat said...

Hey Bev... it will take time... but in the meantime, I hope that you are taking care of yourself, and if you need to, maybe you should go talk to someone? I know that there are also lots of groups that help with grief.

At 11:21 AM, Blogger Dr.John said...

You are bound to have bad days or even bad weeks but the journey forward will continue. It would be well to find a grief support group as they can help.

At 12:23 PM, Blogger Mimi said...

There will always be bad times. Everything is part of the journey forward. And James is holding your hand.


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