I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Monday, December 12, 2005

Hang tight

Its been a rather alarming week and Ive been sad,stressed and gloomy.
James cancer is developing at a fast rate.Hes now down to 130lbs and has now lost 16lbs in the last few months.When I look at him I see the skeleton of the man that was and it breaks my heart.He still mows the lawns but only a small bit each day,rather than the whole lot at once.He sleeps most of the time but hes good at dinnertime...thats when he has the most strength.He still eats which is a good thing and we still make love but hes fading away.Hes a lot more distant and dreamy,tho not with me.Hes entering a new phase in his cancer,the last stages I guess.Hes content tho and not at all uncomfortable.He sits outside with me in the evenings and we watch the moon and gaze at the heavens.
Sometimes I feel moments of real desperation...how am I going to live without my beautiful James? What will happen to me? They are questions with no answers.The one thing I do know is that me and James will be together one day again,in heaven...a place with no pain,no tears and no sorrow.
For now,I watch,I fuss over him,making cakes,kissing him,teasing him and calling him a funny old man(when I see him in his undies)lying beside him to feel his breathe on my cheek,buying him magazines,bringing in flowers,and just making the most of him still with me.I love him so much.

posted by butterflies @ 10:04 AM

3 Comments:

At 11:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

we all love you more than words.

If love were drops water,
you would drown each time I said 'I love you"
_ Robbie

 
At 3:21 AM, Blogger sleeplessinoklahoma said...

WOW...you & James have such a special love & relationship. Seems weird that God brought you together for such a short time, but it is not our place to question His plan. I know that while this is a hard time it is easier for James because he has you. God knew you would stand strong & take good care of James. In return you have found a very special man & known a love that few ever find. Just continue to live in the moment. Each day is a gift, & I know you are treating it as such.
Keep the faith sister-friend. I love you, & I am there with you in spirit.
Blessed be...

 
At 12:35 AM, Blogger Sandy said...

((())) ...sometimes there are no words.

Love,
S

 

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