I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Taken away

Today,One of my good friends is having a hysterectomy.It made me think back to mine.
I was 25 and had really heavy bleeding for a long time which was found to be endomitriosis.I was told that I would need surgery to remove my womb.It was a hard thing to accept but I had one child and didnt really want any more...I went into the hospital and ws prepped and escorted to the theatre where I drifted off into lovely unconsiousness.When I woke up a few hours later there was an old man standing by my bed(the surgeon who was probably late 50s).He said *oh we had to take out your ovaries too as they were covered in endo*..I remember vividly what I said.
*You bastard!! How would you feel if you woke up and someone told you that your balls were gone!!*...it was probably due to the drugs but mostly it was the real truth that I felt and I was in shock.I had to cope with it on my own with a 3 year old son.And of course I went into instant menopause.Hot flashes,mood swings,all that crap.But after a few mths I did begin to feel better.It was great not having periods and not having to worry about pregnancy(not that I was having sex)..But it did take me a while,a few years actually to accept that I was no longer the woman that I used to be.Rather I felt as if I had no sexual identity.I had a womans body but I didnt feel all that feminine.
And for many years after that,every time something was taken away from me I felt cheated.When you dont expect something,its a shock to lose it.Maybe it explains why I get so sad at times.I do have a good life but I do feel like Ive lost a lot too.
Thats kind of looking like the glass is half empty instead of half full.Im not as optimistic as I once was but I do accept that what will be will be.
I guess all this reflects that Ive had a rather sad week and havent posted.Things are happening that are beyond my control..happening out of sequence.James is ok and after hospice visited on wednesday they asked me if I wanted some councelling...to cope with sadness.James is such a happy and positive person and laughs and jokes all the time.I look at him and cry!!! Im so pissed off that Im like this but I know its just a phase and it will pass.I also know that Im weak at the moment cos Im still sick so once I recover I will gain strength.Then I will laugh again:)

posted by butterflies @ 4:20 PM


At 7:34 PM, Blogger Chana said...

i noticed that you hadn't posted. now knowing that you have been sad makes me triple wish i could hold you. you my dear and sweet butterflies are not weak. honey, if you could see what i see. you are nothing weak but honey as strong as you are, you are allowed bad days. how could you not? you are carrying right now a load so heavy not one of your admirers can imagine. there was much stages to your hysterectamy because you lost something. the stages of grief. your reality is something that we wish wasn't. but wishing comes short to having to accept and living with God's plan sometimes. you are trying to full your present with love and positiveness and at the same time there is this grey cloud in the back of the sunshine. how i wish it was all sunny sky my love. i'm so sorry that you are hurting. i'm so grateful that James is the face of life in his journey. he smiles, and loves and how sweet that must feel, one can only admire. and you my love, you hold and love, hope and pray, accept and fear. your sweet human heart is having to work overtime and at full strength. how i wish i could help you carry some of it's load....i love this woman across the ocean, fields, grass and mountains that is loving and smiling through tears and is doing it with so much courage...go for my angel, hang on to God and receive all the love i can give you.

At 5:54 AM, Blogger Mimi said...

You certainly went through a lot at such a young age. I hope you laugh again soon:)


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