I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Friday, July 21, 2006

The Circle

I look to the mountains,where will my help come from?
My help will come from the Lord who made heaven and earth.

He will protect you as you come and go,now and forever.(Psalm 121)

Our lives are a circle.We start from a seed,and we end up as dust,back to the earth.
In the meantime,we live on earth to be a part of a community.We have a circle of friends and family.We love...oh how we love! James was diagnosed with lymphoma (cancer of the lymphatic glands) in Oct 2003 and he was told he had 2-6mths to live.We got a shock.We cried and then we lived.We rode our harley,we partied and toured around...we had our wonderful friend Dave who was also living with lymphoma and was also a biker and through him we met his sister Sleepless in OKC..(Dave has since died and Sleepless knows the heartache of losing a brother that she was closer to than anyone)...We gathered up people as we went along,bringing them into the circle.The cancer doctors were amazed at our lack of fear..James had no treatment as he was already stage 4 so we just lived each day,as lovers and as friends.He asks me to marry him every day,still to this day...and we have been married for 5 yrs but still he asks.
We went to a huge church of 3 thousand ppl in North Carolina and James was healed on an alter call...not healed of cancer,but healed spiritually.God came into his soul and cleansed him and forgave him.It was the healing he needed.
We went to Lovers leap and thought maybe we should jump off together(but there was too much rubbish there,left by tourists!)..so we came to New Zealand.James bought me home,back into the circle of my family..
We prepare for death just as we prepare for birth.We have things organised,wills made,papers signed...and yet...as yesterday when my Darling didnt breathe,I get shocked and scared..
Last night James was wandering around and I asked him to get me a glass of wine.He said*if the last thing I ever do is to get your wine I will be a happy man*.
We treasure every minute,every hour,every touch,every smile and every message you all leave us.You are all a part of the circle now.Love is in the centre and we all revolve around it.I appreciate your kindness,the love you send my way sustains me and I thank you all.

posted by butterflies @ 10:25 AM

11 Comments:

At 11:44 AM, Blogger Erin said...

I will keep you in my prayers. I can't imagine losing my husband - I don't know if I would survive it. You are an inspiration.

 
At 3:14 PM, Blogger Chana said...

i can't help but feel love and admiration for you. i watch my mom take care of my dad in his illness. i watch him die over the years. it still hurts. i know he is in peace and finally happy with God but i still ache for him. i feel a bit of what you are going to and i just wish i could take it away from all of you. it's easy to love you B....

 
At 11:02 PM, Blogger Catch said...

I am a caregiver...I have been through this many times with my people and with my Father....its never easy. You and James are very unique....and lucky. God has given you time to say all you want to say to each other and do all the happy things that you have done together. God bless you both.

 
At 11:53 PM, Blogger Joe & Karen said...

To a dear woman, I am here via Chayna's blg, and can identify in part to the unbelievable weight of our own crosses. I cried when I saw the picture of the white butterfly, I work with dream interpretations, and the white butterfly is a symbol for a loved ones spirit. I noticed there were 2 butterflys at Chayna's blog. My prayers are with you, there is a circle around you of love and light so you won't fall. Please know that from us all around the world.
Love to you and your family
Karen

 
At 3:08 AM, Blogger jafabrit said...

I too came via Chana's blog and I send my thoughts and prayers on this journey that you are all taking.

 
At 6:51 AM, Blogger starbender said...

May the good Lord hold the both of U in his hands 4-ever!
:( That was beautifully sad :)

 
At 7:43 AM, Blogger Gingers Mom said...

God bless you both and may your days together be filled with love and joy. I am so sorry. I will pray for your peace of heart and today even for healing.

 
At 8:10 AM, Blogger Joe & Karen said...

I just had to comment again, I had more time to read past posts, and am deeply touched with the writing of a week, a day, minute etc. It has been 5 months ago today that I had my son, due to complications he passed away in my arms. I treasue each second I was able to have him. I feel honoured to read your love for your husband and how you live with such passion everyday. Thank you.

 
At 11:23 AM, Anonymous JoAnne said...

I am writing to tell you all something about Beverley that perhaps you didn’t know. She and I were walking partners and friends during her stay in the States. On our first walk, LONG BEFORE James was diagnosed, Bev told me that God sent her to take care of James – to love him through the death process because he is going to die soon. This whole phenomenon has heightened my belief that the Holy Spirit whispers stuff – very important stuff – to us. Apparently Beverley knew how to be quiet and listen. And to obey. I am amazed. As a mere child (10 years old), she came to Christ during a Billy Graham crusade in NZ. At 53, I am only just learning to be faithful. I hope you don’t mind me blabbing so publicly about this, Bev, but your intimate details of faith are my testimony. Your story is my witness.
xo JoAnne

 
At 12:11 PM, Blogger butterflies said...

I need to thank you all so much for your wonderful support and love..as I say,we are all in the circle together and we gather up more friends as we move through life.
Oh Joanne! I love you SO much.I dont mind you sharing this as you have.Yes,I knew that God had sent me to take care of James and Cori(and to meet you too),but I didnt know where the journey would take me.Having just nursed my Dad for 6 mths before I came to the states,I felt that God specifically chose me for the task of bringing James to know God and to be with his unto death...and James showed me immense love.It amazed me that a man could love a woman so much,that even tho we went through some hard times,the forgiveness was there and Gods love conquers all things.I am so thankful that Billy Graham came to NZ and held open air meetings in huge tents and showed me that there is a God who loved me personally and who died for me that I may live eternally...its been a journey of love,of heartache and of passion.I wouldnt have missed it for anything...
Thankyou all once again.Your comments give me strength and courage to face what is ahead.
And Joanne...see you in NZ soon and we can go walking again:)

 
At 11:41 AM, Blogger Dirty Butter said...

I, too, came from Chana's blog. I've been a family caregiver for several family members who have gone to be with the Lord. Your precious relationship with James is a wonderful gift you've given each other, and that God gave both of you. May you feel God's loving presence near to you in the hard time to come.

 

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