I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

mission completed


My mission is completed.Yesterday I had to take my sweet baby James back to hospital because his pain levels increased too much and he was distressed and uncomfortable.He wasnt conscious but he was in stress and I couldnt bear to see my beautiful lover suffering.We rode the ambulance back to the hospital with my dear friend Kathy.On the way he started getting agitated again so I had the ambulance stop while I gave him a shot which I have been doing every hour for 3 days.Im exhausted and he needed to be knocked out so hes not suffering.Pre death is a very hard experience.The body fights with all the organs fighting for a life which is already over.Tonight I have come home with my girls..Kathy whos come 80 miles and Robbie who has come 4 hrs drive and they are camped on my floor,never leaving me for a second.I feel safe.James has a special watching him 24/7 because the doctor forbid me to sleep there another night.He said Im exhausted and he reminded me that I have to still get through the funeral and the pain yet so my girls came up to get me from the hospital and bought me home.They cooked me some steak and salad to keep my strength...Weve had a glass of wine and toasted to a wonderful man ...a man who loves me and lived for me..who would bring me home jewels and flowers and delighted to see me with a smile on my face.All James wanted to do was to please me and make my face smile.and all I wanted was to kiss him and love him.Cori and her friends used to tell us to "get a room"...we couldnt get enough of each other.Life was short but we made the most of every day.
Every fibre of my being wants to drive back to the hospital but I need to rest my body for the next step and James is well cared for.I was at the hospital for 6am til 8pm..my girls came to get me and spend time with James...Goodbye is not enough..Its farewell my friend.James is a rebel..he was at the beginning and his bodys fighting to the end.God is with him.Hes at peace and hes loved...Have some nice dreams my sweet baby James..see you later.
Thanks for the ride Baby....I owe ya one:)

posted by butterflies @ 12:08 AM

13 Comments:

At 1:44 AM, Blogger Chana said...

I'm so grateful for those two wonderful girls in your life. How beautiful how they are there to love you and help. I'm so, so glad you have them...

I love every word you ever wrote of your love. How you described how it is and how it was done. It is something that not often is seen or even heard of.

You are right, it is not goodbye but see ya later..

I'm glad you ate. I hope you sleep and dream in joy...

We love you and continue to pray. Our hearts are very much with you. God Bless you all...

 
At 2:45 AM, Blogger Moobear said...

As a friend I should have the right words, but I don't. Just know the Lord is with you during this transition and yes we never say goodbye. My love, thoughts and prayers are with you. Much love to you all from me.

Claudia

 
At 3:23 AM, Blogger sleeplessinoklahoma said...

Even having walked this road there is absolutely nothing I can say. Nothing to change what is going on. The doctors knew better than to try & send me home (you know how I am when it comes to Dave). In fact, in the end the nurses didn't even come in Dave's room without me saying it was ok. They just gave us the peace to all be together & let him leave at his chosen time. Should I have gone home & rested?? Yes, absolutely, because the days after he crossed over were much, much harder. So many things to do & people coming in & out of the house al the time. Should I have insisted Mom go home to rest...I did & she did, but in the end we still had to sedate her when we came home from the hospital. Am I glad you are home resting??...YES!!! That is just what you need to do now. James is in good hands...God's hands. He has wonderful medical care. Your are right, your work is done.
I am so glad you have your girls there with you. That will be such a comfort & help. You know Chana & I would love to be there too. And you know if we could we would. But I am with you...always in your heart as you are in mine. Take care my dearest sister. The journey in this life is almost done for James. He is a rebel, though. The time is just not right yet to make his crossing. It will be soon. Everytime I write you a gospel song about Heaven comes on the radio. Never the same one, but always one about Heaven & going home. It is a sign. A good omen! And you know how I believe in signs.

Be well my dearest. My love, thoughts, & prayers are with you.

Blessed be...

 
At 3:36 AM, Blogger for what it's worth said...

Oh my friend Butterfly,

The journey can be long and hard. I remember that despite all efforts we had to take my mother into the hospital. But, I have to admit, it was better for her and for us. We all rested. (little did we know a new baby would arrive on that day to surprise us).

I am glad you have family around. Allow them to nurture you who has nurtured James with your whole being.
James will be renewed with such energy when he completes his journey, now you need to allow your spirit and your body to rest as you prepare for your journey ahead.

I think about you and James every single day. I pray for you both every minute I can. I hope you can feel the love and support you have from so very many people... but more importantly, I hope you can feel the love you have from James and your family...now and always.

Much love
4

 
At 4:25 AM, Blogger Joe & Karen said...

Dearest Butterflies,
How I wish I could wrap a rainbow of love around you myself, but I know James has already done that.
The picture you posted is magical. I wish there was anything I could say or do...
My love, heart and prayers are with you and James.
K.

 
At 5:45 AM, Blogger Gary said...

That is such a wonderful photo.

Take good care of yourself and stay strong.

 
At 2:55 PM, Blogger Mimi said...

You are simply amazing. I am so happy you have such a good outlook despite the hard road you have been on. I am so glad that you have such wonderful people to support you. You and James are a inspiration to me. There is so mnuch I want to say to you, but I just can't find the words.Stay strong. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us.

 
At 3:12 PM, Blogger Dr.John said...

One journey is ending and two new journies beginning. Somewhere down the road they will come together . I promise.

 
At 2:40 AM, Blogger UKBob said...

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME SENDING YOU THIS, I SAW IT AND THOUGHT OF YOU AND HOW YOU WOULD KNOW WHAT IT MEAN'T

My Best Friend

Sometimes I'm lost, when everything I do seems so wrong...

But with your powerful words, you make me feel so strong.

Whenever my heart is crushed, I cry day and night...

But when I see your loving smile, everything seems all right.

When I have a bad day, and I feel really blue...

I just remember all the sweet things you do.

When something's on my mind, but I'm afraid to share..

You can always get it out of me by saying, "You need to tell me so I can be there."

When I'm cold and scared, shivering with fright...

You warm me and comfort me, by holding me tight.

You are the best friend I could ever have. And I will never be able to forget the warmth, the smiles, the love you've given, ever since the day that we met!

Thanks for being my friend!

I'VE FOLLOWED YOUR WORDS FOR QUITE A TIME NOW AND HAVE DREADED THIS DAY, YOU ARE A WONDERFUL PERSON AND SUCH AN INSPIRATION. Take care, Bob.

 
At 7:58 AM, Anonymous Catraggedy said...

oh Bev... I too have been following you and James... please know that despite the distance, I'm there with you and am thinking of you.

 
At 10:10 AM, Blogger Susan said...

I have followed some of your journey through Chanas update. My heart goes out to you and your family and I trust that James will soon find tranquility.
That is a beautiful photo.

 
At 10:33 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel so priviledged to have met James, to have seen you together, your love for each other,your humour, your humanity.

You have taught me so much (without even knowing) and restored my faith in the goodness of people.

May James's final ride upstairs be the most beautiful ever!

All my love

Sara XXX

 
At 7:03 AM, Blogger Broad said...

Snidge gave me a head's up; here's hoping the final journey is peaceful and mercifully quick.

 

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