I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Monday, February 26, 2007

To Love is to Share:


The hearse pulled up slowly outside,James coffin had the American flag I had given to the undertaker draped across with the sunflowers we had picked from our garden that he had grown placed on top.
We drove in slow procession to the crematorium with our lights on slowing traffic...time stood still.
James was carried inside and we prayed.I read the last love letter to James that he had written to me.

It said "I lie down each night to go to sleep,always making sure I thank the Lord for your entering my life before closing my eyes. I cherish each touch of your hand,every tone of your kiwi voice.You have given me a lifetime of joy and love in such a short timeframe.Thankyou Baby.I love you"

We all drew on the coffin..little notes to James.Ezzie drew sunflowers and Jake drew a harley.I wrote..Thanks for the ride Baby,I owe ya one:) Mum wrote,thankyou for making my daughter so happy and loving her so much,Robbie wrote "James,Im in awe of you..your love knows no boundries"
When we got home to our cottage the family had gathered with food and flowers.My brother conducted a lovely service.Each person was invited to share their thoughts and we read the emails from friends far away.And we prayed for James family..Afterwards we went outside into the hot summer air and each let go a balloon..red,white and blue..the colors of America.James loved his country and I did too.
Then we celebrated the life of James Taylor.A man of honor and integrity,of goodness and of hope.
A man who had grown to know Jesus and who had a deep faith..My brother spoke of how James taught him that anyone can be forgiven..no matter what.God loves us and gave his Son for us so that we may have everlasting life. My heart broke with pride..James never once complained.He saw something good every day,even when he could no longer walk or go outside.He just was peaceful.He was gentle and loving and had a shining light around him.We toasted him with deep red wine...and watched as the moon came up.We lit his chiminea and talked in groups and God was with us ..
I slept that night,peacefully and deeply. James was finally free.
Today I feel stunned...flat,shocked,lonely,and I dont know what to do because my whole life has been consumed with caring for James.
Tomorrow will be better.Each day will get better...the last words James heard me say to him was 3 hrs before he died..I said Go Baby...I promise I will be OK..He felt at ease enough to leave.
I will be OK.I have faith,friends and family.I will be free and happy again.Thats what my sweet Baby James wants.
Thankyou all for the wonderful,loving and caring words..thanks for your prayers and your support.
You are all keeping me afloat.I come and check my blog and I cry with the rest of you.It helps me to grieve and to remember that Im loved.
Thankyou,thankyou.

posted by butterflies @ 9:50 PM

12 Comments:

At 10:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Butter what can i say.you told us about james cancer 3/4 yrs ago and we thought yu were amazing then to handle all this shit.but we knew how much yu loved him and it turned out he ws a top man.he loved yu and yu loved him.yu are always in our hearts.maybe we could send contributions to help with costs.email me. love yu max and cilla.

 
At 11:36 PM, Blogger Chana said...

oh my dear girl, you are so very loved! keep on checking back whenever you want or need, for i assure you, we will be there waiting with loving words, for that is all we got for you.

your words are so moving, i cry because i feel it as it was beginning with me there...thank you for sharing it all with us. letting us come with you in this valley after such road.

you will be okay, you don't know any other way. you are a fighter and a survivor and you do it with class and gusto. in the darker days, let James love and his presence comfort you. feel free to feel and mourn and rejoice in whatever way you need and choose. you are surround by love and unconditional support.

God Bless.

I hold you in my heart.

 
At 8:17 AM, Blogger for what it's worth said...

It sounds as though the service for james was exactly fitting for James. I love the idea that you included people from all over. And the fact that he touched so many lives is inspiring. I wonder if you know how much you have done for others through your testimony and faith.

The prayers will continue and grow as we try and support you through the next part of your journey. I pray that you feel the love across the miles sent for you.

God has so many blessings and plans for you. But for now, I imagine He wants you to know He is there, and we are here. And, it is time to rest your weary body before the journey can begin.
Bless you, bless you, bless you!

 
At 8:51 AM, Blogger Clara....in TN said...

CONSOLATION
"Earth hath no sorrows

That Heaven can't heal."

As I softly repeat it,

Great comfort I feel.

And I long to reach out

To those in the storm

Of sorrow's dark night

And point to the morn.

When joy will abound

Up there in the skies,

As God gently wipes

The tears from our eyes!

Oh, then we'll see clearly

The face we adore

And greet our dear loved ones

Who've gone on before.

Gone every heartache

That here we may feel;

For "Earth hath no sorrows

That Heaven can't heal!"

 
At 1:09 PM, Blogger Dr.John said...

It will be hard for a short time. James was te center of your life. He was both your love and the person you took care of. Now you have nobody to love in that way and nobody who need you to care for them. The transition to the life James wants for you will take time. But it will happen. The same Jesus that was there through this long journey will be with you now. Those of us who prayed for you won't stop praying.

 
At 1:56 PM, Blogger Polar Bear said...

Bev,
I won't stop praying for you - you've shown me something I will always remember in tough times - that no matter what, love is powerful enough to heal our souls.

I have always been in awe of the love between you and James. It is such a pure love, such a devoted kind of love. It gives me hope, carries me through the darker moments.

James is in a better place now, and I believe he will continue to love you with all his heart.

I wish I could be there to physically hug you and hold you. But I'll send you lots and lots of e-hugs.

Polar B.

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger W. J. St. Christopher said...

Bev, I've followed the story of you and your James through Chana's blog.

I'm so sorry to hear you're without him, but so very glad to know that he's safe and pain-free.

Give yourself the best life that you possibly can; I'm sure that's what he wants for you.

You're so lucky to have been loved so well. My thoughts are with you.

 
At 2:41 PM, Blogger Joe & Karen said...

Dearest Butterflys'
Thank you for sharing your service for James. It must have been beautiful.
My life has been enriched for having known James through your writing.
I'd hoped you don't mind, that I asked James' if he can find my Baby Boy, and take him for a ride. I've never been on a motorcycle...
You are loved, you have my prayers from a small town in Ontario Canada.
K.

 
At 1:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It sounds like the perfect service, and your beautiful sleep afterwards says it all. You're right, every day will get better. It's going to take a little time to carve out a life that is centered on you - but it will get easier. I'm sure it's so much better knowing James is safe and peaceful. Much Love, Sandy

 
At 9:19 AM, Blogger sleeplessinoklahoma said...

"To everything there is a season..." This is your season to carry on. I know you will do just that with beauty, grace, faith, love, & much aplomb!!

The service sounds just lovely. Just as James wanted, I know. THanks for reading all our tributes. I know they brought you great peace & joy.

Wishing you a wonderfully blessed week.

Forever your sister-friend!

Blessed be....

 
At 4:14 PM, Blogger Susan said...

Dear Butterfly.
I have followed your journey with James, through Chanas Blog.
I am grateful that you shared so openly with us this most personal time. Through your story, my own love for my husband is more fully realized. I see so easily how it could have been me in your shoes. Our lives are so fleeting and your writings have halped me to appreciate each day to the most.
May the angels walk beside you as you continue on.
Blog Hugs, from British Columbia, Canada

 
At 4:05 PM, Blogger MzAriez said...

Thank you for adding beauty to a world that needs it.

May joy, love, serenity and laughter fill all the steps of your path in life.

Remember to breathe.

 

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