I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Friday, March 02, 2007

Fly Free

We sent off 55 red white and blue balloons..one for every year of James life.They soared high into the heavens..we all clapped,Red dog barked and barked and the wind blew strong.James was finally free from pain.It signified the end of suffering.

When James left,he took the summer with him.He always loved summer the most.Because theres never a day that you cant ride,not that anything would stop us riding..except snow.Now the evenings are cooling off and the morning grass is coated with soft dew and theres a mist drifting in the air.
A new season has begun.Its autumn and the leaves are just beginning to turn and drop.Its the month of my birthday.and my sons too.Its a time for us to remember the summer but rejoice in the newness of the coming season.
I have climbed the highest mountain and fallen down the other side.Today Ive crashed.I didnt know there was a term for it but hospice came to see me and I am flat and hollow.I wander around and I cant get out of my PJs.I talk to James.I sing songs.To the outside world I must look crazy,insane.But its just a crash.They tell me its perfectly normal and that because of all the caring Ive done and now I have no tasks,Ive crashed...into a heap on the floor at times.Sometimes just staring into the sky,dazed and shocked..My love is gone from the cottage yet I feel him all around me.Hes in everything.The furnishings he chose,the music,the garden..
His photos are everywhere and each day I chose a new one for my desktop.I say Hi Baby when I see him...maybe I will turn into a muttering crazy old lady but I just dont seem to care..Im in a world of dreams.

posted by butterflies @ 10:08 AM


At 11:45 AM, Blogger sleeplessinoklahoma said...

Ah yes, the world of crashes. I know it well. I crashed many times. Sometimes it would hit at the weirdest times. I talked to Dave constantly also. I still walk by the fridge & touch his face in the picture there & say "love ya, bro". It is comforting to see his grin. I know you feel the same...& more....for James.
So, yep, ya may be the crazy lady for awhile, but it is ok. It is so ok to grieve however you choose. It is ok to sing & dance & howl at the moon & talk to James out loud. Be crazy & talk out loud to James. He hears you. He is with you.

Funny...when Dave left he also took the warmth with him. It turned cold & started to rain the moment he crossed over. Winter has come every year since on the anniversary of his death. James' crossing has done the same in NZ.

Funny isn't it how closely they were attuned...& that they both took our warmth with them. Maybe it is better to grieve in the cold, darker, shorter days. It would not seem quite right in the bright sunlight. Especially since James was the sunlight for you...as Dave was for me. They so loved to ride in the sun with the wind all around. There are so many similarities in their lives, their passings...amazing!

We have to carry on girlfriend. We have been left to live the lives they could not. So be crazy for as long as you need be. Then come back stronger to live fully for yourself & James.

I love you so very much. I wish I could wrap my arms around you & be crazy with you. Know that I am there in spirit, beside you, doing just that.
Forever your sister in OK!!

Blessed be...

At 1:27 PM, Blogger Joe & Karen said...

Dearest Butterflies,
There is absolutly nothing crazy about what you are doing. You are greiving. It is a bizarre process.
What a beautiful tribute to James. I am honoured to be able to read about all you have done. You are a brave, strong woman. Even when on the floor in a heap. I still lay down and cry!
Sending you all my love and prayers. An extra prayer for James.

At 1:30 PM, Blogger Chana said...

oh my angel, you will never either look like an old crazy or turn into one. impossible and that is your fault for always being so reasonable, levelheaded, sensible, well-founded, well-grounded and rational, not to mention such a hottie. it is too late for you now if you want others to think of you diferently you know. you have already shown your true colors. now, that you are in pain, well unfortunately that is what comes with this journey you still travel. that you stay pj's well, that is what i do for the fun of it and the heck of it anyways :) ..that you sing, well that only makes the birds jealous. that you talk to yourself and things, well then welcome to my world. let us both worry about this talent when they answer back. my beautiful friend, of course you would crash for as strong, and you ARE strong, as you are, you are human. yep, sorry to brake it to you but you are made of bones and muscle and that heart of yours is immense and it holds sooooooooooo much love and memories and when the biggest part leaves for not his choice but God's, you will ache and it is the road you will walk with the same courage and willingness and strength as anyone would want to, until you meet your James again in heaven for all eternity.

give yourself a break, nobody could do what you did better and nobody could do what your doing now better..

i just wish i was there in my pj's singing along, arguing on which picture and holding you...

so from far away in miles but close as close gets in heart: I LOVE YOU and I AM SO VERY PROUD OF YOU. God Bless.

At 2:42 PM, Blogger Dr.John said...

Grief can be a slow process but it is a process. It moves us step by step from the life that was to the life that will be. It is a time of passage. Each person goes through it in their own way and there is no right way. You are doing fine.

At 6:02 PM, Blogger Mimi said...

I am so sorry that James has passed. But I am so happy his pain is no more and he is now in a unimaginable beautiful place watching over you. I KNOW he can hear you so KEEP TALKING to him. Write him letters, he can read them too. I am so glad you still feel him. And I know you always will. You have every right and reason to crash and live in your pjs for awhile. You deserve your time to crash and grieve. Rest, talk to James, family and friends. Watch the stars and know a very special on eis watching you back.

At 8:29 AM, Blogger Good for Me said...

what a remarkable tribute to James. i imagine it was a remarkable site to see them float high into the sky.

really, what else could you do at this point. giving into the grief, whatever that may be -- crying, screaming, talking to him, slumping to the floor with sobs of mourning -- is what you need to do. the Lord is with you, butterflies. He is with you.

At 2:38 PM, Blogger Gary said...

That is a beautiful picture. I hope you save it.

At 4:18 PM, Blogger Polar Bear said...

I can't imagine what you are going through. But I know you will come out of this strong. The love between you and James will carry you through. Like the balloons in the sky, you will soar above everything.

Sending lots of hugs your way...
Polar B.

At 9:16 PM, Blogger UKBob said...

You just have to give it time Bev. Best wishes, Bob.


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