I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Still alive and thinking...

In the last few weeks,James was suffering.He was in an extreme amount of pain and they would give him more amd more and it would only last for an hour.In the last few weeks,hospice entrusted me to give him extra injections on the hour so they wouldnt have to come out all night..James was barely conscious but he was never comfortable.
They kept trying different drugs but most of them took a while to kick in.Sometimes 12 hrs.On the final monday,we had to go to hospital so that they could figure it out.But he was suffering.It was the most heartbreaking thing Ive ever gone through.When my Dad died from cancer,he went peacefully to sleep.he wasnt in pain.

While we were in the room standing vigil,me making sure that everything possible was being done,I watched a programme about ppl on death row,murderers,, being put to death with a lethal,legal injection and I thought how much easier their death was...all over from healthy to death in 2 mins......while my baby wanted to go,was trying to go but had to wait in pain as his body shut down..days.It didnt seem fair.
Neither James nor I believe in suicide,but we both think that there is a point at which someone should be able to say,enough is enough,this is suffering.
We dont let our animals suffer.We dont take our pet to the vet to have it put half to sleep.unconscious.They stop their suffering completely.

James loved life,right until he was being injected up to 12 times a day,was half conscious and could only sleep his days away...right up til he lost all independence.And he was so worried that hed become a burden to me..it was my pleasure and honor to look after him,,its what he would do for me.
I dont even believe in capital punishment cos I think that men convicted of haenious crimes should live and think and take their punishments.
I cried at one nurse one night and said put him to sleep properly..not dead,just unconscious so that he doesnt feel or know anything.They wouldnt.I wanted James to go when God called his name.All they had to do was make sure that he had enough medication so he slept thru the horribleness.The doctor told me that its far more unpleasant for the carers than for the patient.I dont know how she thought she could know that...One doc told me that shed never met me but she had never seen anyone more exhausted.I replied,I will rest later.This last week belonged to James.
Im coming right I think.I cleaned the cottage today,kissed my babys photo,talked to him,planted some petunias,took red dog for a walk.I could say that Im surviving.Tonight my brother rang and I told him I wished Id died with James.
He said would James have wanted that?
I went to the supermarket with jake the other day...I was shaking inside and all nervous.I didnt like being out.I wanted to get home.My confidence has taken a real shaking..I know that James is the wind on my shoulder and hes watching out for me.But I miss him so much.

posted by butterflies @ 10:23 PM


At 3:32 AM, Blogger sleeplessinoklahoma said...

Oh my dearest sister-friend, your pain is so deep...I know. I am so very, very sorry for James' last painful days. Shame on the doctors. They could have & should have given him something to go deeper away from the pain. I totally agree with your feelings. I feel the same & should I ever have a terminal illness I plan to move to Oregon where assisted suicide is legal. I believe I have the right to say when enough is enough, today is the day I go home. I do not believe in suicide either, but don't see choosing your day to die when you are suffering as being the same. I am, again, just so so sorry for those last days & for your continuing pain.

You are making small steps, & that is how it should be right now. It is hard to get moving & get out, but you are doing fine. Be prepared for the process of moving forward to take at least a year & possibly two. Believe me, it took me that long & I lost a brother not a soulmate, a lover, a husband. Your grief is so much deeper, on a very different level, than mine.

I am in the 28th month of Dave's leaving & I still have a bad day here & there. I went & visited his grave & talked for a long time the morning after James crossed over. It was comforting & very very hard. I miss Dave every day & am so alone without his support, love, counsel, & just for the fact that I have no sibling, no one who shared childhood with me. Many of my memories died with Dave. Your loss is so much the same & yet so different. I hurt for you, I grieve with you. We will make it though.

You will come out stronger than ever, you will be a comfort & support for others going through this same pain. You will be, as you already have been, a great blessing & inspiration to others by continuing to tell yours & James story. It is an important journey to share. It will help many more.

As you know, I am a big believer in counseling. Perhaps a grief group would be a good place to start your work...for yourself & for the others with whom you will come in contact.

Know that I love you beyond words. You hold such a large part of my heart. You are always in my thoughts. And, yes, one day we will definately road trip to Montana & find those howling wolves.

I love you!!!!

Blessed be...

At 12:20 PM, Blogger for what it's worth said...

I have decided blogger and I are not friends today. I wrote a nice long comment and it disappeared into the cyber abyss. Anyway....

I don't blame you for not wanting to leave the comfort and security of the cottage. Your love and life for a long while have been intricately tied to that place. But, while you loved so deeply in that home, you also cultivated another trait. One that you will contiue to grow; courage. You faced the trial of James' illness with courage, you faced the painful sight of his death, with courage. Now, that gift, which you and James worked on together will continue to guide you through the days ahead.

James is with you. He is with God who is with you now more than ever. He is in the breeze that you feel, the warmth of the sun, the chill of a morning. He is there....and so is James.

As your dear one said in the previous comment, you may find comfort in a support group. I got such a small taste of being alone this weekend, and that sorrow is more than I can imagine. But, there will be people who have felt the things you do, feel the fears, the hope, the sadness, the love; all of it. But, also listen to your heart. This is all so very new. Although living with cancer has been part of your life for a while, living without James is brand new and raw. Allow your body the time it needs to rest from all the amazing care that you provided over the past weeks, months. You have earned time to yourself, time with your loved friends and family; time to breathe. And, when you are ready, you will reach out and someone will be there to reach back to you. For now, all of your friends, near and far reach with all we have to comfort, inspire and support you. You are loved! You are valued! You are an inspiration!

(And when you come to Montana, remember Chana and I are just north of there...with the fields of Canola and Flax awaiting our wandering.)

At 2:42 PM, Blogger Dr.John said...

Who should decide who should die? I have no answer. How do we decide. I have no answer. How do we go on? We lean on God and the people who love us. We start doing things. Every day we get just a tiny bit stronger and better.

At 6:39 PM, Blogger Chana said...

i read the pain in your words. they break my heart for i worry about yours. i'm so sorry he had to die, i'm so sorry he was suffering so much at the end and i'm so sorry you were left behind to miss him and wish he was with you.

there is nothing i can say to make it all better. that is God's ability but if it helps even the tiniest bit, you are so loved and admired and cared for and so wanted by so many...

for how long now it has not been Bev but James and Bev? of course you miss him terribly. your body, mind and heart ache for him. and now you have time and space to think and think and think..and thinking is sometimes overated, ;)..sometimes it becomes a bit of torture..there is no shutting off the brain but the pain will get a bit better. your heart will always need him and feel him and definetely love him, but you will laugh again without feeling guilty, without feeling heartache, without wanting not to laugh. all this though comes with much time..it has been pure days since his death. give yourself a break please for you can not be doing anything better. you are a walking example of everything..in the tears and in the caring, in the missing him and in the memories..all this is part of the road that God has asked of you and He knows you can and will do it..you are tired of hurting and of thinking and of feeling but you are strong and strong as strong gets..and for James memory and for the love you both shared and for your beautiful son and grandson you have a life to walk through until you meet James again..

i believe in you and i see a woman who walks with dignity and with courage and with patience and with forgiveness and she does it as best as it can be done. no one will ask or hope for anything more. the tears they will come and the laugh will interrup at times and the wave goes on for that is mourning..and while you mourn, we love you and give you our hearts in friendship, our time as much as you want and need and our understanding and admiration..

to say i love you is an understatement..you are part of me, my heart, my family..i wish i could hold you..instead i ask Jake to do it for me..close your eyes, i'm there to drive you bonkers and keep you company...

At 7:55 AM, Blogger Polar Bear said...

You are grieving right now. Go easy on yourself. It's ok to be sad for a while. It's such an overwhelming thing but I know you will come through this. James is still alive in your heart, and I believe he will always be there, a part of you. You've shared so much together, the pain, the joy, the laughter.

I'm so sorry he had to go through so much pain towards the end. I'd agree with you - if we don't put our animals through such pain, why so we do it to people?

Take good care.... I'm sending lots of warm hugs your way...
Polar B.

At 2:31 PM, Blogger Joe & Karen said...

Dearest Butterflies,
How we all wish we could take away your pain...
Nothing is as it should be right now, but the fog will clear in time.
Please be easy on yourself. Know that James is indeed all around you.
All my love and prayers, for you and James

At 10:42 AM, Anonymous Catraggedy said...

You know I read this and I couldn't help but think that there have been some loved ones of mine that I really wish I could have "helped along" rather than sit there and watch them suffer needlessly.

I'm glad James is at peace now. Rest now, Bev - and just hug on your grandbaby.


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