I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Sunday, October 05, 2008

The Time Has Come

I know the time has come when I must take my darlings ashes and scatter them to the wind..Im so sad and alone.I know that I make out Im happy but Im full of shit! Im not happy.Of course Im thrilled to be home and if I must breakdown,then this is the place to do it.Im safe.Thats the most important thing.
But altho Im good at dishing out advice Im useless when it comes to ME.Its 18mths since James died.Ive taken his ashes back to his family and hes even lost his brother since then..too many deaths.
To have closure,I have to spread his ashes,well thats what Im told anyway.I want to throw them to the wind and let them scatter..I have one urn full and I took the other urn to his family.They have dealt with it and now its my time.
But I dont know if I can do it!!! Is it because I dont want to let him go? Is it that Im not ready? will I ever be ready??
What is closure anyway??
Maybe I should just stop writing because I dont feel as if I make sense anymore.

posted by butterflies @ 10:15 PM


At 8:15 AM, Blogger for what it's worth said...

You are making perfect sense. I held on to my fathers ashes for a long time. And then one day it just felt okay. We went to his favourite place on earth,; where he met my mother, where he had grown up and it felt right. I spend time there alone each and every year, communing with both of them. (my father did the same thing with my mother's ashes).
Remember, grief has no timeline. If you feel in your heart that you are ready then fine, but do not let anyone else decide for you. James is already where he is supposed to be. Scattering ashes is a symbolic thing. YOU decide when you are ready.
Much love!

At 10:04 AM, Blogger Oklahoma Farmgirl said...

I understand oh so well!! I had promised Dave I would scatter his ashes in the Carribean. Then at the last moment he decided to have his remains buried to please Mom. For some reason that comforted her. It does not me-for the biker he was I would prefer his earthly remains to be "blowin in the wind" for that was his therapy, his peace - to ride!!. But no matter the disposition of earthly remains it is not what has happend to our departed. They have simply left this life to live on another plane- another Universe. Out there just outside our reach, our ability to see with earthly eyes. Now they can only be seen in our spirits. Their spirits live today just as clearly as they lived here on this Earth. So scatter the ashes that are James' earthly remains when you feel it is the "right"time for you. But remember, it is not James for he still lives as he did before this life & as he will forever. There is no beginning or end to Life. We are as we have been since Time began. Spirits of unending energy. Sometimes choosing to spend time on Earth learning lessons about ourselves. Becoming so much more evolved. James is living as he did before this Adventure. He is Home.

I know how much you are hurting. It took me a year to figure things out. A year of just existing before I decided to truly live again. Sometimes I still struggle with what my life should be, but when I just trust that I am where I am supposed to be, learning what I came here to learn I am at peace. I don't understand it all, but I know that I chose each step of this Journey long before the Journey began.

I love you!! The answers will come when you are ready to hear them. They will speak deep within your Spirit-in your heart & you will know what to do.

You are my sister, my friend, my confidant, my heart!!!

Blessed be...

At 10:51 AM, Blogger ravn said...

I wont try and say something wise..these wonderful people have said it all...I just want to hold you and hug you...


At 8:24 AM, Blogger Polar Bear said...


You will do it when you are ready. I don't know when that will be, but you will know.

It's going to be hard, but I see such courage in you.

At 10:31 AM, Blogger Susan said...

I feel for your anguish. When I even remotely think about becoming a widow, my heart wrenches inside me... I know I cant fathom the daily pain you face. Teh very real agony that somestines consumes you is the last "physical" effect that a loved one has on us. That can be so very hard to let go of. So dont force yourself to scatter him until it feels right, as you know, his lifeforce is out there free on the wind already.
And congratulations on becoming officially GREAT.


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