I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Friday, August 05, 2005

The Long Ride Home...

James woke me this morning and told me that he is going home.
Hes spent 3 days now with minimal narcotics and has come out of his fogginess.He knows that he doesnt have much time now.He is losing weight and has very little energy tho he does what he can.Its reality time,the time weve both dreaded and avoided.God is calling him and he has to go.Its not in our hands now.
My strong biker is taking his last long ride.Its the beginning of his end,tho as believers we both know that he will live for eternity.
Hes emotional and crys but he is brave...hes going into the unknown.I cry with him and we hold each other not wanting to accept it but we have to.We have no choice.
We have known about his cancer for 2 years now and we cried when we found out.Then we got tough and carried on regardless tho always making plans..those horrible plans no-one wants to make.Getting life insurance sorted,getting social security,telling our families,making sure that Cori was always taken care of.Weve had so much love and fun and joy together.We have laughed,partied hard,ridden with the wind and loved.OMG,what love we have! It sustains us and keeps us afloat.I dont regret a thing.To have experienced this kind of love was a miracle.From being a victim of child sexual abuse,to having a man that loves me is a wonder and I thank him every day for showing me his love.
My purpose now is to keep him happy,to make sure that Cori is loaded up with memories of a funny silly kind father.Tomorrow we are going to the beach to walk along the rocks.Breathe in the salt air and refresh ourselves.I will protect the kid with everything I have in me and love her as I love my own son.She will grow tall and strong and brave.She is my daughter.
James is my man.Hes my lover and my soul mate.The man I looked for all my life.I will love him til he takes his last breathe and hold him through it all.God will give me strength and sustain me.I will be strong and I will adore him.

posted by butterflies @ 7:04 PM

13 Comments:

At 7:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh girl,you made me cry! I will pray for both of you.I wish I was as brave as you
Love and hugs,Shawna

 
At 11:12 PM, Anonymous Droolingmonkey said...

If only breif moments could last forever....

You chose good mum, and James has done so well for you all. I am proud and sad and yet...I really feel that it is a good tale you are telling together, the legend of a modern warrior, bravely facing that one battle that cannot be won, but only accepted and embraced. I am glad to know James, and Cori, and I am grateful for all he has given me. I hope that I can take some part of him as my own and make him proud too...

 
At 11:13 PM, Anonymous Droolingmonkey said...

heh...and if only I could ever learn to spell brief! Dammit! Never could get that one...

 
At 1:35 AM, Blogger sleeplessinoklahoma said...

I knew this moment would come, but I had prayed it was far far away. I hate, just hate NHL!! Now it's gonna take another good man. Shit!! I'm crying for you, for James, for Cori, & for myself. I know your pain-I know what he...& you are facing. You are strong & your are brave. I know you can handle what you need to. Oh how I wish I could be with you to help, to listen,just to be there. I am with you in spirit & only a phone call or an e-mail away. I'm praying!! Knowing both of you has been so wonderful for me, we are family in the best way---in the heart!! Tell James to watch for Dave. I think he will come to guide James home so they can ride the streets of Heaven together. I'm glad they will be together again, but so pissed off we will have to wait to be all together. I cherish the times we all had together_I'm so glad we met. Please give James a big hug & kiss from me. He is in my heart.
I love you!!!

 
At 1:14 PM, Anonymous Elaine said...

Girl, I can see that God is with you guys. Only with God could you look into that 'unknown' as bravely and with as much dignity and love as you two are. You are in His hands, and I for one am very glad of that part, even though all the other parts are ripping my heart out for you.

 
At 6:17 PM, Blogger Sandy said...

You are an angel to James, just as he has blessed your life. Each of us can only hope to be loved and held so preciously as you are doing for him, and comforting him in what must be a scary time for him. Much love to you both.

 
At 12:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wish I could do something about the pain you feel. Im not going to act like i understand, because there is no way anyone can. I have been James friend for a lot of years and i know that without you, he would have been gone already. You have made his life worth living for the last few years, and as James friend i thank you from the bottom of my heart. If he were to die tommorrow, he would concider himself a lucky man to have had the time you shared together.

Im not ready to say goodbye yet. Youre type of friend is once in a lifetime. James, if you tell anyone ill kill you, but i love you. You have been like a brother to me, and ill never forget that. Besides, you still owe me $50.
Doug

 
At 6:22 PM, Blogger Polar Bear said...

(((((((((Butterflies)))))))))

 
At 6:23 PM, Blogger Polar Bear said...

I know every moment is precious. My heart goes out to you both.

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger butterflies said...

Thankyou so much to my good and faithful friends.It means so much to mean that you care about me and James...the road ahead may be long and hard but it will be walked with you all by my side.
Cheers:)

 
At 3:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bev, James and Cori - what a nice sound that has to it. You are a complete family, with love and with sadness. For years I prayed that a miracle would happen to James, that he would find his purpose in life. Then two miracles happened, he was blessed with Cori, then you.

I'll call you both soon, send me an e-mail with the best times of day to call. I'm home on Mondays and Fridays. We'll talk privately, love all of you, kiss my brother for me, Diane.

 
At 5:37 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love you all and wish you all strength and pray that you can feel the love we are sending your way from the states. Please give my Uncle James a kiss for me and give Cori a big hug from me as well and then make sure she gives you a hug right back from me. Or, better yet, do what me and my parents do: a huggle, a nice big group hug. Love you and miss you, Kelly

 
At 11:08 PM, Blogger Rude Cactus said...

I wish you both much strength and happiness, as much as you can possibly cram into a short amount of time. You'll both be in my thoughts.

 

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