I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Friday, May 25, 2007

A search for positiveness

I have had 3 specialist appointments this week.Monday was an occupational therapist,wednesday was a medical examiner and today was a clinical psychologist.
The first one was a woman and she was lovely.She got me to walk around and talk about my life,how my disability has affected me and what my limitations were.She was kind and caring and very professional..I had shingles and she was sympathetic and understanding.My ex came with me to all the meetings and he was great.He spoke some really wise words and remembered things I had forgotten.The first one said that I was incredibly lucky to still be walking and to still have my health and my life.
The second one was a man.He was horrible.He kept us waiting for half an hour while he talked on the ph to a friend about timber for his deck,then when he did ask us into his room he looked me up and down as if I were a piece of meat.It felt uncomfortable and inappropriate.He offered for me to go to *his* hospital that HE runs for 3 weeks! I would have a intensive treatment and water therapy LOL..I would stay there (away from my support network) at a cost of $15000 to the govt,and he then told me that altho it wouldnt help me at all it would make the insurers feel better that something proactive was done! He made me sick.
Today I went to the shrink..again with my ex.This was another woman.Lovely and kind,compassionate that I had a medical misadventure,and assured me that YES it was another loss for me.The loss of my leg and my health.She also said that Im intelligent and have a good grasp on my mental well being,that I comprehend whats happening to me and that she knew there was nothing more she could tell me that I didnt already know myself! She was also professional,moral,and well informed of my situation about James.She told me that I was managing wonderfully and made me feel extremely confident that I was doing the right things and that I was coping.
SO..2 out of 3 were great..both of them females.Their job was to assess me 18 yrs after suffering a massive deep vein thrombosis caused from a drug that was given to me 6 mths after it had been taken off the market for having that exact adverse reaction.Medical misadventure.Those words have echoed in my mind for years now.
I escaped that reality when I met James.I tried to run from my past,from the pain that I suffer constantly but Ive learned to live with...all of these meetings reminds me of what I have to deal with.Apart from grieving,and sickness.
But I thank God every day that I have some hope,that I will live in happiness and love.Today I thank my friends,every one of them because without their love and support,I couldnt cope.Yesterday it was 3 mths since James died.And his love is still with me..always will be.
I will move on..into the future,whatever it holds.I will be strong and I will keep my faith.I will love and I will laugh.I will never let my friends or family down.I will love God and I will be faithful.I will honor James and I will be all that he wanted.One by one,I will fulfill my dreams.
I will be positive and happy.Life is for living and I intend to do just that;)

posted by butterflies @ 9:11 PM 6 comments

Saturday, May 19, 2007

So much and nothing at all...

This has been a strange month..so much has happened and yet nothing at all has happened.Last weekend was my brothers 25th wedding anniversary,last mth was his daughters wedding.Both events were really hard for me to get through but I did.I survived going to a wedding 2 weeks after James died,now another party celebrating a wedding.I felt so happy for them.And the time in between Ive been quietly at home,mending myself,healing my pain and loving my friends.I have the trip all planned and I am ready to go except that this week Ive gotten sick again..My bloody stupid shingles I got the week we moved back from OKlahoma to here have come back,almost 2 yrs to the day.I have real sharp pains inmy head and I feel miserable.I knew they could come back but why now??!! LOL..
Next week I have 3 specialist appointments for my disability and in between times,I cant eat..I cook something,then by the time I sit down to eat,I dont feel like it.Im trying really hard to look after myself but its hard and Im not achieving it as well as Id like.But I am happy.Life is good.Im feeling as if I could be loved again and I have some beautiful friends who help me day by day.But I still cant look in the mirror.The person I see has sad eyes and I cant look yet.One day I will see a happy person again I know.But Ive changed so much and I dont recognise the new me ...I know me but I look different.Maybe I dont to other ppl but I do to me.Its taking a bit of getting used to.
But I love this pic of Amy,my niece who was married last year,and I at the wedding anniversary last Saturday..Shes grown into a woman and I remember how it was to feel 24 again:)

posted by butterflies @ 10:22 PM 8 comments

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Falling into PLace

Well..the tickets are booked and all ready thanks to the lovely Sara.
We are leaving NZ on the 10th July and arriving in OKlahoma on the 11th.Its a long trip and we decided to take an over night stop over in LA so we wouldnt be so tired.
I will be taking my Baby James ashes home.We will have a memorial service and we will scatter his ashes at the lake where he proposed to me.His family will all be there and all the ppl he loves.His daughters will be there to say a final farewell to their Dad..Its neccesary for all of us and will give some kind of closure.
But every day I miss him so much.For the last 2 days I have been walking around with his drivers licence in my pocket and I take it out and kiss his pic.It helps.
He smiles at me from the photos on the wall and he loves me from heaven.
Im ok...I have had great support and kindness and as much as anyone can bear something like this,I am..
God is good and has been,and always is,the force that keeps me.

posted by butterflies @ 7:43 PM 10 comments

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