I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Raglan beach

posted by butterflies @ 8:55 AM 5 comments

Tuesday, June 27, 2006


This is one of my favourite pictures.Its Raglan beach on the west coast of New Zealand and not far from my home. It has no surf on this day but its a place of sanctuary.Walking around the rocks is very good for the spirit and we go as often as possible..always with family.
To me,,everyone I really love is family.If we share a bond,if we respect each other and care for one another,if we can be totally ourself..thats family.
I have wonderful brothers and sisters. I have Amazing friends that are always there for me and who know that I would be for them too.I have been welcomed into homes and been a part of other peoples lives and I love them for being there for me.
Im sure thats what love is....
so it was with a loving heart that James has decided to send his little girl,his baby,his (now) grown up daughter to her sisters.It was an agonising decision.Of course we wanted her here for US but that is selfish.Love is not selfish(Corinthians.3)..It was of vital importance to James that he KNEW that she had arrived safely,,that she had settled into school and he had done all necessary paperwork while he is still alive.Its his last Daddy responsibility.Hes done it.
He told her on the weekend..she cried and hugged her Daddy but she had always known that she would go and we have been so lucky to have had James for this long!
Her and I had a soft gentle mother talk and I told her that whereever I live will be her home.I gave her a lovely silver ring for her to always know that was from her Dad and Me...it was sad but not devastating and was manageble for each of us.
God was SO with us all.We each have to have strength.We have to stay strong for each other.Thats what family/friends do for each other.We love and we care.We dont take each other for granted.We wait and see.
So she is beginning another journey now...and so are we.This will be the first time in our marriage that we havent had her.I miss her already!! But our journey is private and personal.We cant let too many people into our space because we need every second we have with each other.Its OUR time now.James sleeps most of the time and when hes not asleep hes eating cookies and icecream and laughing and reading.I do the same.
And her sister..shes in NY and shes a beautiful,strong, mature, young woman in the forces.Shes taking our kid and her sister into her life and her life will change now too! Everything that happens affects somebody!
Im happy.Im being protected in a cocoon of love.Cheers.

posted by butterflies @ 10:04 PM 15 comments

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Wedding Anniversary

Today is our 5 year wedding anniversary....I was sitting reading a womans magazine and it was a story about some couple who just had theirs and I asked James when Ours was...he said oh the 21st..I said what day is it now? He said OH the 21st;)!!!
Heh..we had both forgotten! Weve had so much on our minds this week and have made some major decisions and we forgot all about US!
Anyway,tomorrow is the 21st in the states so we will go out for lunch and be romantic if James is well enough.
Another congratulations goes out to our friend Joanne who was our next door neighbour in OKlahama..she has just found out that shes been granted residency in New Zealand..so great news for her..see you soon girlfriend:)

posted by butterflies @ 4:37 PM 12 comments

Sunday, June 18, 2006

A new Day

When I woke up this morning the sun was shining after a week of rain and storms.
My mood had lifted too and I almost deleted yesterdays post but this is my journal and it is reality so I left it.I hate feeling all depressed and full of self pity!!
Id rather not have any feelings at all than feel like that.....and thats where Ive been the last few days.When something happens and my heart races and I get stressed,I seem to cope by shutting off my feelings so I can cope physically.I dont need stress of other things and all I want is James.Hes so good and we compliament each other very well.When hes down,I make him laugh,sit on his knee,nuzzle his ear and give him cookies.When Im down,he gets me wine,runs me a bath full of bubbles,finds me good magazines and holds me a lot.
Today I have turned a corner.Things will work out again and I will laugh.
Thanks Chana and Mimi for your love and support..I appreciate them.

posted by butterflies @ 10:02 AM 7 comments

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Taken away

Today,One of my good friends is having a hysterectomy.It made me think back to mine.
I was 25 and had really heavy bleeding for a long time which was found to be endomitriosis.I was told that I would need surgery to remove my womb.It was a hard thing to accept but I had one child and didnt really want any more...I went into the hospital and ws prepped and escorted to the theatre where I drifted off into lovely unconsiousness.When I woke up a few hours later there was an old man standing by my bed(the surgeon who was probably late 50s).He said *oh we had to take out your ovaries too as they were covered in endo*..I remember vividly what I said.
*You bastard!! How would you feel if you woke up and someone told you that your balls were gone!!*...it was probably due to the drugs but mostly it was the real truth that I felt and I was in shock.I had to cope with it on my own with a 3 year old son.And of course I went into instant menopause.Hot flashes,mood swings,all that crap.But after a few mths I did begin to feel better.It was great not having periods and not having to worry about pregnancy(not that I was having sex)..But it did take me a while,a few years actually to accept that I was no longer the woman that I used to be.Rather I felt as if I had no sexual identity.I had a womans body but I didnt feel all that feminine.
And for many years after that,every time something was taken away from me I felt cheated.When you dont expect something,its a shock to lose it.Maybe it explains why I get so sad at times.I do have a good life but I do feel like Ive lost a lot too.
Thats kind of looking like the glass is half empty instead of half full.Im not as optimistic as I once was but I do accept that what will be will be.
I guess all this reflects that Ive had a rather sad week and havent posted.Things are happening that are beyond my control..happening out of sequence.James is ok and after hospice visited on wednesday they asked me if I wanted some councelling...to cope with sadness.James is such a happy and positive person and laughs and jokes all the time.I look at him and cry!!! Im so pissed off that Im like this but I know its just a phase and it will pass.I also know that Im weak at the moment cos Im still sick so once I recover I will gain strength.Then I will laugh again:)

posted by butterflies @ 4:20 PM 2 comments

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Winters arrived

It was freezing last night and just as they predicted,it went down to minus 3C...
When I woke up the ground was white,the trees were covered in soft frost.I love winter:)
The dog was happy in her dog bed..all cosy. I put a blanket on her for fun and she stayed in the same position all night! Heh.

posted by butterflies @ 7:28 PM 10 comments

Monday, June 05, 2006

Hello my name is Johnny Cash

Last night Jake went into town to get some dvds and (very thoughtfully) got Walk the Line for us to watch..I loved it.Its a great movie of the life of Mr Johnny Cash.Very moving and provoking.Reese Witherspoon was excellent as June Carter Cash and Joquin is gorgeous and did a great job as Johnny.The music was really good and although the movie was sad and the ending not very good,Im glad I finally got to see it.There was nothing about Johnnys conversion before his death however and it should have been included....Diane had sent us the complete works of his music for Christmas last year and I play them often even though Im not usually a country music fan.I just like the soulfullness of his gravelly voice and the fact that he lived such a hard life.In the movie it shows what a horrible man his father was and how they lived in such isolation and poverty on a corn farm in the middle of nowhere.
Today is Queens birthday weekend and a day off for working ppl.It was sunny and warm and we went out to Mums for a drive and for afternoon tea for some scones with cream
and jam.Tonight is going to be freezing as theres a cold southerley wind and snow on the highlands.Its been a nice weekend and great to be able to finally breathe again.Im starting to recover and feel almost normal again.
Buzzing round in my head is the song..I walk the Line:)

posted by butterflies @ 8:19 PM 4 comments

Friday, June 02, 2006

Dangerous walk

We talked to James Mum yesterday.She told us that her and a friend were walking around their retirement complex when a man backed out of a driveway and crashed into her friend! He wouldnt ring 911 and so Mum ran to another house and rang from there.
When she got back the man was talking on his cell phone and she was furious to know he had a ph all along! Her friend is covered in bruises but no broken bones.The man recieved a citation and protested that he was looking out of his good eye!!!
James Mum made me laugh when she said *that old man is just a horses ass!!* HEH.

posted by butterflies @ 1:35 PM 4 comments

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