Wednesday, December 28, 2005
The Best XmasOn Xmas Eve we went to my mums house for the last time.Shes been in her house for 50 years and her new house is almost built.
When we sat down to eat my brother said...right,lets go round the table and each one has to say what was their BEST xmas...as you all know,Ive always hated xmas since my sister was born on xmas eve and died 8 years later and I was struggling to think of a good one.Oh it was so easy to say which was the worst xmas but he insisted it be the best xmas...so I said that the last xmas we had with my Dad was the best one for me.We knew he was going to die and we made sure that it was a joyous festive occasion.He couldnt eat and I had gone and picked him up from the hospital in the morning.He looked so sick but I was so thrilled to have him there.
James answer to the question was that he couldnt think of any one that was better than another cos hes loved them all!!!..hes such a positive bastard!! LOL.
But now when I think about it,this has been a wonderful xmas.Ive been blessed to have my James with me in NZ,still alive,still making me laugh and making everyone else laugh too.We had great presents from Dianne and Phil from the States and lovely phone calls.My son is home with me and the kid has been really well behaved!
I have booked her surf camp for the week after next and Ez is coming next week.
My best friend is coming tomorrow and me and her have loved each other for 35 yrs.Shes coming to see James and give him a kiss she said.
The farm is full of ppl that I love,theres music and laughter,friends coming and going,days of happiness and nights of wonderful sex:)
I am blessed to have this time with James and will remember it forever.
OH..and he bought me a lovely silver ID bracelet and had it inscribed with the words
I AM THE WIND ON YOUR SHOULDER.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Good things DO happenToday was a good day..it began with a ph call from Dianne.James sister.It was lovely to hear her voice and it cheered us up.Yesterday his brother rang and he also made us laugh.Then Mum came out to see us with 8 big bags of food..a Xmas parcel donated by ppl from her church.That was wonderful.Inside was a plum pudding which thrilled James tho he did want to know why it was called plum pudding when it contains no plums!! My son finally got a job.Thats so good and he starts early January.Hes living here with us now and we love having him here.Hes a great help,a good friend and he drinks as much coffee as James:)..I feel happy to look over and see him here.
Unfortunately we wont be having Ez with us for Xmas and thats sad.Theres reasons for it that we dont understand but we will see him soon.
James brother has also offered to pay for the kid to go to a surf camp to learn to surf the big waves but so far I havent been able to get her in at this late stage.
James visit to the hospital was a bit sad...his liver is twice the normal size now and the cancer has metatisised to many tumors in his abdomen.But hes happy and we are together.God is good to us.Im so thankful for all the good things that are happening and we can wipe the bad things out.We have been getting some lovely time together and we are happy to be able to sit and watch the chiminea burn and walk the paddocks with Red dog...life is good:)
Friday, December 16, 2005
LoveBeing loved by James is like having the sun shining on both sides
of my body..
Happy birthday baby.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
A Civic AwardYesterday my brother and I accompanied my mother to the City Council office where she was presented with a medal and certificate from the mayor and mayoress for her dedication and service to the community.There were 100 invited guests and 12 other award recipients.It was a lovely cereomy and I was so proud of Mum...she has worked for prisoners aid for 32 yrs,nursed at the same hospital for over 40 yrs,been an active member of her church(including chior,op shop and sick visiting) for 50 yrs,was a friends at court support person,and many other things that Id forgotten.
So had she! She was nominated by someone....in her speech she said *oh Id forgotten half those things but was reminded by my son who asked me to write things down so he could remember to say them at my funeral*...everyone laughed and clapped and it was a light point in an otherwise solemn occasion..lots of ppl came up to her after and said thanks for the funny speech.
Then afterwards we went for lunch and then out to see Mums new house being built on my brothers farm.Its lovely and will be finished after Xmas.
Im sure next year will be full of new beginnings....today I feel more hopeful.
Monday, December 12, 2005
Hang tightIts been a rather alarming week and Ive been sad,stressed and gloomy.
James cancer is developing at a fast rate.Hes now down to 130lbs and has now lost 16lbs in the last few months.When I look at him I see the skeleton of the man that was and it breaks my heart.He still mows the lawns but only a small bit each day,rather than the whole lot at once.He sleeps most of the time but hes good at dinnertime...thats when he has the most strength.He still eats which is a good thing and we still make love but hes fading away.Hes a lot more distant and dreamy,tho not with me.Hes entering a new phase in his cancer,the last stages I guess.Hes content tho and not at all uncomfortable.He sits outside with me in the evenings and we watch the moon and gaze at the heavens.
Sometimes I feel moments of real desperation...how am I going to live without my beautiful James? What will happen to me? They are questions with no answers.The one thing I do know is that me and James will be together one day again,in heaven...a place with no pain,no tears and no sorrow.
For now,I watch,I fuss over him,making cakes,kissing him,teasing him and calling him a funny old man(when I see him in his undies)lying beside him to feel his breathe on my cheek,buying him magazines,bringing in flowers,and just making the most of him still with me.I love him so much.
Friday, December 09, 2005
ReflectionsIt was Christmas Eve 1967 when my Mum came home from the hospital with my sister.She handed her to me and she said*heres your baby*...I was 11 years old.I can still smell her in my mind,still feel her soft skin and still see her brilliant blue eyes that looked at me.It was the most perfect Christmas ever.She was born on Christmas Eve just like Jesus and I thought I was so special that my mother would give me her baby....as the years went by I took her everywhere.I had named her Catherine,but we all called her Cathy.I bathed her,took her out in the pushchair every day after school and showed her off to anyone who was interested.I was so proud.
I adored her..we slept in the same room and every morning she would climb into my bed and snuggle into me and crawl under the blankets to the end of the bed.I told her there was a monster down there called Sebastian so she better get back up the top...she would giggle and say she loved monsters.
Then one day when she was 8 years old she was crossing the road after being at Girls Brigade and was hit by a car,throwing her 60 ft into the air and onto the other lane.She never woke up again.She died in hospital 2 weeks later after an agonising family decision to remove her life support.She went to live in heaven. I cried for years.My heart broke and I turned inwards.A sadness came over me that never left.
Christmas has never been the same for me since.
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