I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Sunday, October 29, 2006


This is a pic of Ezzie making a wish on a dandelion..I dont know what he wished for.

I was thinking last night about how bad things can get and how we react to them.
I have gone through some horrendous things in my life...loss of a child,death of my sister,life and death surgery,my fathers death...whatever.But the thing that Ive learnt most of all is that we never get as low again as the worst time.I have had a breakdown many years ago where I wished I was dead,then years later faced a situation where I almost died from surgery and I fought to live!
The most terrible,devastating thing that happens,will never happen again.How we felt at that time,we will never feel again.Nothing will be as bad as the worse thing again.We never go lower again than the lowest point.
God makes some promises to us.He says He will never test us beyond what we can endure.He promises us that He will always be with us and will never leave us nor forsake us.He promises us that Love conquers all things.He has never let me down.I have HOPE...always hope.
When James went forward on an altar call with his brother,the pastor prayed for a healing.And James was healed.His spirit was healed of all the pain and he was forgiven..Forgiveness is the greatest healing of all.
Each day now there is something new to hope for.Last night we hoped and prayed that James would have no delirium.And he didnt! Thank God.
Today I pray that my health will hold up as I go through this next stage with James.I hope that my legs will keep me walking.(the last specialist told me Id be in a wheelchair within 6 mths cos my veins are so bad!)
But at least I know,God will be with me no matter what:)

posted by butterflies @ 10:37 AM 11 comments

Friday, October 27, 2006

Instincts work!

Well...everyones prayers have worked so thanks!
James decided not to take ANY sleeping pills and hes had no more delirium at all.
So the cancer hasnt gone to his brain as far as were concerned and he was just suffering from side effects.We realised that it doesnt matter if he doesnt sleep at night..he sleeps a lot during the day and as long as hes peaceful,then its all cool.
Ive had 2 really good sleeps now and I feel so much better.I didnt have to take the antidepressants yet and Im able to feel safe and happy again.Although the docs dont believe us and think they know more than us,at least the hospice nurse is on our side.Shes wonderful and we trust her.
Yesterday some really precious friends of mine came to see me.Ive known Pete and Jo for 26 years and they have been faithful and trusted friends all that time.They live at the beach so I havent had a chance to see them since we got back but they called in yesterday after theyd come to Hamilton to buy a brand NEW Harley!! Gorgeous blue 2007 soft tail.James eyes lit up:) and it was so good that they got to met my James.They have a little boy now too who was born while I was in the States so I got to meet him too.It was a GOOD day!
This morning I had a lovely shower and got out and was getting dressed when I realised that Id only shaved one leg!! LOL...WTF!
So I may be losing my memory and my brains but Im happy and so is my Angel.Hes the best thing that ever happened to me and I love him.

posted by butterflies @ 11:47 AM 5 comments

Thursday, October 26, 2006

praying

posted by butterflies @ 11:02 AM 5 comments

The Power of Prayer


This week has been terrible for us and Ive been too exhausted to blog..and too sad.
Every night James takes sleeping pills and an hour after,he has been reall y trippy and saying bizarre things which frighten me.Hes been walking around and doing strange things and Ive been too scared to go to sleep in case he hurts himself or whatever..so each night I was getting about 2 hrs sleep.
I rang hospice who said..oh the cancers gone to his brain and he has delirium..well,I knew he was delirious but it only happened after he took sleeping pills! I told them that and they insisted it was delirium and prescribed another strong hypnotic drug to him.I looked the drug up online and it terrified me.
Yesterday afternoon I had to go to my GP/MD to get another certificate..of course I was exhausted and a bit weepy cos of my worries.SO,he says ok you need antidepressants and James needs to go into respite care for a couple of nights so I can sleep and relax before we end up with 2 patients...that upset me even more!
So last night we decided to make some changes ourselves.We prayed for Gods strength cos we had run out! James took only 1 sleeping pill and guess what? NO delirium!!! We were right all along! It did take him a while to get to sleep but I wasnt worried about him.He wasnt saying bizarre things,nor walking around.He read his bible and prayed for Gods peace and we got it.I slept for 7 hrs and feel much better today.
I can cope..Im not having James going to respite,I cant have him away from me! I couldnt sleep if he wasnt here.We know that things are getting very tough now...the cancer is very advanced but we are sure that God will help us and remain our strength...He will never leave us nor forsake us.
You cant believe everything docs say..they dont have all the answers.We make up our own minds from sound judgement.Im not going to take antidepressants..at least not yet.I just need sleep and rest.
Please pray for us. God will listen:)

posted by butterflies @ 9:24 AM 7 comments

Saturday, October 21, 2006

Family time


This weekend is Labour Weeekend in New Zealand..its time for family and friends.Everyone has 3 days off work and we all relax.Its the traditional time to plant the summer garden..potatoes,tomatoes,beans peas and corn.There shouldnt be any more frosts.I have some plants to go into the ground and just have to take some time to spread fertiliser..and slug bait.
Its nice to have all the guys at home..except Jake had to work this morning only cos theres a huge hot rod rally in the town where he works and will be a great chance to sell lots of mobile phs which means commission..Yay.Its Ezzies birthday on sunday and he will be 8.Its gone so fast..his first years! I remember so well the early morning arrival of my grandson.His mother was having contractions 4 mins apart and I was saying..get going!! but she was cruisy and wanted a coffee first.She was very relaxed and so was Jake..she had a good birth and that began a great life for Ez.He was a beautiful baby and we loved having a new baby around.
My parents wedding anniversary is on monday.Mum and I will go to Dads grave and sit awhile and put some flowers there.He will see us.I miss my father.
Tonight we will BBQ and I will make some nice salads.James is content enough and reading the papers that the mailman gives him for nothing.
Im going to paint my nails red and apply some fake tan:) I havent sunbathed since I turned 30 and we discovered a huge hole in the ozone layer over NZ..now Im as fake as they come and proud of it!
Have a good weekend ya'll.

posted by butterflies @ 1:05 PM 6 comments

Thursday, October 19, 2006

The VERY big brown dog


Yesterday,I had to drive to the shops for a couple of things.
On my way home,right on our corner,was a cyclist upside down in the drain off the side of the road.I stopped the car and ran over to him..someone else also stopped and draped a blanket about his shoulders.He was lying face down,then slowly sat up..reluctantly stretching his legs to make sure they were ok.
I asked him what happened..he said a big brown dog had run out and he couldnt miss it and rode into the side of the dog,which wasnt hurt and ran off into the house it lived at..NOT our house,NOT our dog!! I had finally found the culprit dog that had almost caused our Reddog to be removed..and the woman cyclist from last week had even positively identified our dog!
After a wee while,the man stood up and realised he was ok enough to bike off home,after me warning him that this road is dangerous and theres not enough room for bikes.I got home and rang the Dog Control Officer and reported the incident.Then a while later,Heather from down the road came to tell me that the neighbours had already had a meeting about that VERY brown dog and decided he had to go as hes been annoying other farm dogs,eating dead calves,getting into ppls trash and running onto the road.
I always KNEW that it wasnt Redog and now I want an apology from the *man in power*
They were on the verge of taking her off us!!
At least now,the mystery of the BBD has been solved:)

posted by butterflies @ 9:47 AM 7 comments

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Cherry tree at sunset

posted by butterflies @ 8:03 PM 4 comments



On the weekend Ezzie had run around so much that he almost went to sleep on James.It was a moment in history.
Today I bought a BBQ so that the guys can cook the meat.It gets hot in the cottage.
Thats Jake and Luke puttin it together,neither of them reads the instructions!
Then Jake went off and took a pic of the Japanese cherry tree.
Its a lovely night.

posted by butterflies @ 7:50 PM 8 comments

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Lovers Leap


For the last week Ive been woken up at 5am by starlings scratching at the roof making a heck of a racket and shitting all over my back porch.So we got together,me and Ez and his poppa and Jake and we boarded up the holes where they have been getting in..GRREAT:) the birds are flying around in a tizz trying to get inside but they cant so Im happy..I need every bit of sleep I can get.But someone left a piece of wood out and I stood on a nail(but Ive had a tetanus injection in the States so Im fine)but gosh it hurts!! Its my own fault for not wearing shoes.Ezzie was kind and loving but then he skidded over and grazed his knee so we were both hurt.
James has had a weekend with a lot of pain but he was standing beside the ph when it rang and it was his Mum in Oklahoma so he was so pleased to have a long talk with her.He got a parcel from her and his sister yesterday with teeshirts and hoodies and coffee and he loved that.Hes being very brave but I can see pain written on his face.
One of the guys went and did our grocery shopping and that saved me.
Im very proud of how my family and friends have come together to help us all out.We all do things as a crew and no-one is exempt.The boys keep James happy with biker magazines and lots of funny stories and I can feel happy that James is loved by everyone.It was so important to James to bring me home to my family and hes satisfied that hes done that and got Cori safely to her sisters.
I do miss America tho..I miss Applebees,riding all over the place,WAlgreens,(not Walmart!! I hate that place..too big),,I miss breakfast cooked for me,seeing our friends and James family and walking by the lake at dusk.
But Im so happy to be home..I wish everyone could come here and see our beautiful country.The green hills,the snow capped mountains,the fish and chips,the seaside,the warm sand.
Oh Im getting all teary eyed..LOL!! I must stop reminising and live for today!!
Ive got all that I want.My lovely man,my beautiful son,my funny gorgeous grandson,my friends and family,my cottage and my health. and ALL my wonderful blogging friends that keep me going!!Life is so good.

posted by butterflies @ 8:40 PM 8 comments

Thursday, October 12, 2006

A new body:)

Yesterday I saw a person in the mirror who I suddenly liked.LOL.
Over the last 2 years I have gained 10lbs and it has made me feel so strange.I didnt recognise myself! My old clothes dont fit as well as they should and Ive gone into a size 10/12.I have been the same weight since I was 16 and didnt gain this til I met James and started eating..I say started but I have always eaten,just not that much and not that often.
Now I eat 3 meals a day..cereal for breakfast,crackers and cheese for lunch and a proper meal for dinner.And Im loving the food! I was a strict vegan til 2 years ago too.Until one night we went to Applebees with a friend and he ordered a steak...it smelled so gooood!!! I ate a piece off the corner and from then on I had one once a week.Im sure my body must have needed the iron or something,maybe to give me strength to face all this.Now I cook for 5 -6 guys every night and I make lovely food and I make cakes and cookies and lovely soft breads.
And of course I have my red wine(to keep my blood thin)heh,2 glasses after dinner and Im satiated:)
Im happy that Ive got a wonderful S-I-L who keeps sending me tops that fit my ever expanding rack(as James calls it) and they also cover the round tummy that Ive been told is a womans body.Now I accept it and actually like it!! Ive seen myself in a different light and instead of being pissed off cos I feel fat,Im thanking God for giving me enough love to love myself as well.

posted by butterflies @ 5:34 PM 10 comments

Wednesday, October 11, 2006


Its springtime here and its freezing! We have had snow down in the Sth Island and its killed heaps of new born lambs.I planted my garden last week and its just sitting there,not growing at all.Im inside and outside all day..it rains,then sun comes out and I dont know whether Im Arthur or Martha!
The palliative care doctors came out yesterday to see James and some nurses too.They said the cottage was lovely and peaceful and they were all grateful to get out of the hospital setting and have some quiet country time and some REAL coffee! They said James liver and spleen are very swollen and theres new lumps appearing but then today...James went out with Luke for a drive! Its the first time Ive been at home alone since we came back here.They went to the gun shop! LOL..(how very male) and got some targets and some ammo.Its a bit of a concern having someone as out of it as James is wandering around with a gun but hopefully he will kill a few magpies and maybe some starlings too.He bought himself a really high powered pellet gun rifle with a scope.It will keep him amused while hes out of bed.The doctor told him to do whatever he wants! (thanks a lot Dr Des!).
Im happy to just be home even tho ppl keep trying to make me go out.I dont like leaving James and even tho theres lots of ppl around willing to stay with him,Im content to sit on the deck and read and write in my diaries.
James is awake from 2pm til 9pm and thats not much but I dont want to miss a second of it.I can spend all day just watching him sleep.
We had a lovely week with my Ezzie and he reminded me that life is all about NOW..tomorrow may never come.
Today my lover went out in the car and enjoyed the little drive,thats a good thing.:)

posted by butterflies @ 4:20 PM 7 comments

Monday, October 09, 2006

Red Dog saga

SO...Mr Animal Control Officer came back last night to say that the woman had positively identified Reddog as the dog who bit her..I asked him if hed shown her a line up of at least 4 other **brown** dogs so as to make a comparison.I told him that if a human was to be ID as a suspect,then they must put up 5 ppl to be accurate,then the victim can choose one.This is the fair way.
As it turned out,the woman was cycling past and a BIG BROWN dog ran along with her and NIPPED her on the ankle.One puncture wound,no stitches! She (apparently)called out to 'our house' and no-one answered her call for help..LOL.I was outside cooking a bbq and there were heaps of ppl home.Reddog was with James or me all the time.So I told the A.C.O that he needs to go around our area and take pics of ALL the big brown dogs and then come back and tell me what hed found.He was rather nice and kind and understanding but I know that it was not our dog!(even if it was,no damage was done and I cant understand all the FUSS! Surely a person riding along an isolated skinny,narrow country road should carry some mace or a stick to ward off any creatures(animal or human) that would chose to attack..
Dont you think that would be more sensible?

posted by butterflies @ 3:33 PM 5 comments

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Well Rested:)


On Friday night I went to bed at 12pm and woke up at 10am..sat night I went to be at 12pm and woke at 9.30 so I feel SO much better..I had been getting so tired staying up with James all night until he settled and I was such a mess..Id been getting headaches and felt weepy and stressed.
Yesterday was productive.I cleaned the house,dusted,mopped,vacced and scrubbed.Washed everything and cleared everything off the deck to hose it down.It was such a sense of accomplishment! I was stoked.
Then for dinner I decided to make a BBQ.It was very nice and everyone enjoyed the steaks,flavoured by the BBQ...after a while we headed back inside and then a truck pulled up.An officious white truck with a light on top..Animal control officer.
Do you have a big brown dog? he said...Oh NO,I said...we have a small red dog.
He asked to see her and he took her pic on his phone..she lay on the grass doing rollovers.He said that some woman had been joggin along the road and a big brown dog ran out and bit her.WELL! I told him that dog is never out of my sight.She doesnt wander off and had been inside with James most of the day anyway.
So as of 10am Sunday we havent heard anything more..and we better not.
I mean,you tell me...is this a BIG BROwn dog????????????

posted by butterflies @ 10:14 AM 5 comments

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Exhausted!!


This morning I woke up crying...I had been dreaming.In the dream I was staying at our old family bach at the beach and looked outside and the waves were really close to the end of the grass...(the bach goes right down to the sea)..and there in the water were heaps of dolphins jumping and swimming and playing in the water,jumping high and diving back down..I began to cry,in the dream,real sobbing and sobbing..someone came up behind me and put their arms around me and said..its ok,just let it out.I dont know who it was but I was grateful..then I woke up and it was all so real in my mind it has shaken me for the whole day.
I know Im tired.Ive been looking after my Ezzie this week cos its the school holidays and Jakes working.Ez is adorable and almost 8.Hes sensitive and funny and very intuitive..but weve also had Lukes kids(7&3) for the week.The 2 boys play well for a while then an arguement breaks out..(Kaydens broken my gun!!!!) and the little girl whos 3 is adorable..looks like a little doll with her blonde curls and sweet dresses.But then she yells at the boys**come and play with me..get back here!!!***.meantime the boys are sprinting off over the paddocks to escape her! Its full ON!
Ive cooked for all of us. 4 guys and me and 3 kids..the kids dont want real food.They eat noodles and mashed potatoes,so Im making all these different foods.
But you know? I wouldnt have it any other way.Family and kids are life.Its life on-going.Yesterday hospice came out and the kids all wanted to meet the nurse and all had a talk.The nurse told me she didnt know how I do all this..LOL.
I dont either but I am given super natural strength.Tho in my dream I cracked.
Im just so bloody exhausted and tired all the time.
But when I wake up and take my coffee out onto the deck in the early morning,this is what I see.Its still and quiet(apart from magpies screeching and these will soon be disposed of;)and its the best time of the day.

posted by butterflies @ 10:45 AM 9 comments

Monday, October 02, 2006

Rain!

Finally the spring rain has arrived.Weve had 2 weeks with no rain and Ive been planting and watering(and here in the country we live on rain water collected in a big tank)..but yesterday the heavens opened up and God sent the rain:)
Now everything will grow.The soil is warm and I can almost plant some tomatoes.
We had daylight saving on saturday night so we put our clocks forward.
We had a small party for Rx birthday and James stayed up with us til after 11..he had a good time laughing and joking with us.Ezzie is here for the school holidays so we baked a chocolate cake.He licked the bowl and his face was covered in chocolate even up to his eyes! His whole face was submerged.
He kisses James softly and asks him *are you alright*..James hugs him and says *yes*
Its been a special weekend for us all.
I had to go to the doc for ACC,for another assessment to see if Im able to return to work.They nake me do this every 3 years.(I had a DVT some years ago which has left me with a damaged leg and very limited blood flow which causes intense pain and throbbing in my veins)..The doc told me that I will never work again,and in fact I will have some very serious problems to face in the future! I dont want to know about it and have put it to the back of my mind.I will cross that bridge when I get to it..otherwise he was a lovely doc,kind and caring.
We got another great parcel which was exciting to open and a thrill to find some wonderful goodies inside:)..
My Mums cooking dinner for us tonight(YAY a night off for me) and will send it out with Jake when he picks up EZ.All I have to do is some vegies.
Wow..now theres a big thunder and lightening storm and the dogs hiding under the bed!James is all tucked up and cuddly looking.I can hardly resist him;)

posted by butterflies @ 11:05 AM 11 comments

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