Monday, February 26, 2007
To Love is to Share:
The hearse pulled up slowly outside,James coffin had the American flag I had given to the undertaker draped across with the sunflowers we had picked from our garden that he had grown placed on top.
We drove in slow procession to the crematorium with our lights on slowing traffic...time stood still.
James was carried inside and we prayed.I read the last love letter to James that he had written to me.
It said "I lie down each night to go to sleep,always making sure I thank the Lord for your entering my life before closing my eyes. I cherish each touch of your hand,every tone of your kiwi voice.You have given me a lifetime of joy and love in such a short timeframe.Thankyou Baby.I love you"
We all drew on the coffin..little notes to James.Ezzie drew sunflowers and Jake drew a harley.I wrote..Thanks for the ride Baby,I owe ya one:) Mum wrote,thankyou for making my daughter so happy and loving her so much,Robbie wrote "James,Im in awe of you..your love knows no boundries"
When we got home to our cottage the family had gathered with food and flowers.My brother conducted a lovely service.Each person was invited to share their thoughts and we read the emails from friends far away.And we prayed for James family..Afterwards we went outside into the hot summer air and each let go a balloon..red,white and blue..the colors of America.James loved his country and I did too.
Then we celebrated the life of James Taylor.A man of honor and integrity,of goodness and of hope.
A man who had grown to know Jesus and who had a deep faith..My brother spoke of how James taught him that anyone can be forgiven..no matter what.God loves us and gave his Son for us so that we may have everlasting life. My heart broke with pride..James never once complained.He saw something good every day,even when he could no longer walk or go outside.He just was peaceful.He was gentle and loving and had a shining light around him.We toasted him with deep red wine...and watched as the moon came up.We lit his chiminea and talked in groups and God was with us ..
I slept that night,peacefully and deeply. James was finally free.
Today I feel stunned...flat,shocked,lonely,and I dont know what to do because my whole life has been consumed with caring for James.
Tomorrow will be better.Each day will get better...the last words James heard me say to him was 3 hrs before he died..I said Go Baby...I promise I will be OK..He felt at ease enough to leave.
I will be OK.I have faith,friends and family.I will be free and happy again.Thats what my sweet Baby James wants.
Thankyou all for the wonderful,loving and caring words..thanks for your prayers and your support.
You are all keeping me afloat.I come and check my blog and I cry with the rest of you.It helps me to grieve and to remember that Im loved.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
James TaylorJAMES TAYLOR: AMERICAN CITIZEN..16.12.51-----24.02.07
The angels in Heaven are singing.The Chorus gets louder and louder.
The light is bright and its so warm.God has stretched out His arms
and the fingertips of His hands touch James.Hes come home!The angels say
God says to James..be not afraid for I am God.
God of the Heavens and the Earth.
Of all things mortal and immortal.
I am God.
And YOU --James are here because you are a humble and faithful servant.
You lived a full life and you knew honour.You taught love and kindness.
Your smile was a sunbeam.
James passed over to the loving arms of Jesus last night.The battle is won.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Still going.Blogging for Butterflies:
Shes been at the hospital 5 days now..waiting a vigil with James.He went in
on Monday,today is Friday.Shes shattered,never leaving his side,hes breathing but only just.
Time stands completely suspended.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
My mission is completed.Yesterday I had to take my sweet baby James back to hospital because his pain levels increased too much and he was distressed and uncomfortable.He wasnt conscious but he was in stress and I couldnt bear to see my beautiful lover suffering.We rode the ambulance back to the hospital with my dear friend Kathy.On the way he started getting agitated again so I had the ambulance stop while I gave him a shot which I have been doing every hour for 3 days.Im exhausted and he needed to be knocked out so hes not suffering.Pre death is a very hard experience.The body fights with all the organs fighting for a life which is already over.Tonight I have come home with my girls..Kathy whos come 80 miles and Robbie who has come 4 hrs drive and they are camped on my floor,never leaving me for a second.I feel safe.James has a special watching him 24/7 because the doctor forbid me to sleep there another night.He said Im exhausted and he reminded me that I have to still get through the funeral and the pain yet so my girls came up to get me from the hospital and bought me home.They cooked me some steak and salad to keep my strength...Weve had a glass of wine and toasted to a wonderful man ...a man who loves me and lived for me..who would bring me home jewels and flowers and delighted to see me with a smile on my face.All James wanted to do was to please me and make my face smile.and all I wanted was to kiss him and love him.Cori and her friends used to tell us to "get a room"...we couldnt get enough of each other.Life was short but we made the most of every day.
Every fibre of my being wants to drive back to the hospital but I need to rest my body for the next step and James is well cared for.I was at the hospital for 6am til 8pm..my girls came to get me and spend time with James...Goodbye is not enough..Its farewell my friend.James is a rebel..he was at the beginning and his bodys fighting to the end.God is with him.Hes at peace and hes loved...Have some nice dreams my sweet baby James..see you later.
Thanks for the ride Baby....I owe ya one:)
Friday, February 16, 2007
GloryYesterday afternoon James woke from a deep sleep and had tears running down his face.He hugged me and we both cried.He told me he loved me over and over again and thanked me for being his wife and for loving him.Then he told me he was going to glory..he said he could see a bright light and he was going to glory...he said he was looking for Dave(Sleepless's darling brother)..He said out loud "our father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name.Give us this day our daily bread ....."
Then he went back to sleep.
After a very restless night,this morning at 10 he slipped into a coma.Hes now deeply asleep waiting for Our Lord to take him.Hes in the queue:)
All things bright and beautiful
All creatures great and small
All things wise and wonderful
The Lord God made them all.
I love James SO much.We are at peace,God is with us and around us.The house is filled with music and wonderful family.
Heavenly Father,we appreciate you.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
The BraceletThe other night James got into a lot of pain so we had to call out a hospice nurse.Her name was Joy! She was really pretty and had lovely bracelets.While she was doing James pumps he asked her about one of them which he loved.She told him that it was a Pandora bracelet.Wed never heard of them.She got him settled for the night with such kindness.
The next day James said "I want you to have one of those Pandora bracelets(hed even remembered the name and I hadnt)..for valentines day" he said ..have a look online and get one...So I looked at them and they were really gorgeous charm bracelets that you can add to for special occasions or memories..or just because you want to.But they wouldnt ship to NZ!! So I rang around the jewellers and there was only one place in town who sold them.I didnt even want to leave him to go out but it was really important to him to get me a valentines present.It was a hot day and I cried as I drove along the country roads.I felt strange even driving after all this time of being at home...disorientated.
I found the shop and parked..chose the bracelet and then 3 charms.A silver heart,a tiny hedgehog (called hoglet)and a J charm.Its so beautiful.I will treasure it forever and it looks perfect alongside the white gold bracelet he bought me for xmas last year and engraved "Im the wind on your shoulder" onto it.
Then I got back to the car and there was a parking ticket!! I went into denial.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Simple ManThis morning I woke with a start...I was in my bed.In the bedroom.Sometime in the night I must have taken myself off to bed without even knowing it! What if something had happened to James?? What if hed called me and I didnt hear him?? But I came out to the lounge and watched him breathing,shallow then deep,then shallow again.I spend hours a day watching his chest.
I realised yesterday when I was emailing Cori(who BTW is doing really well at school in NY and is happy,getting on with life with her new friends...were so proud of her.She has her fathers strength)...it occured to me that james has been really sick for a year now.It was this time last year when Diane paid for Ange to come over to see her Dad and arrange all the guardianship issues.He could hardly walk to the car then.Since August hes been almost bedridden..he has come through some serious life and death times and hes still around to joke and laugh!! I look at his skinny tiny body and I hug him and feel his bones.His face has changed but hes still the beautiful man I fell in love with.Hes still tells me I look gorgeous or that I smell nice.He still pats my bum when I bend over to tend to him.When I bath him he says..want to get in??!! His spirit is so alive still.He amazes me.
He amazes everybody.He cant do anything for himself now.I do all his caring..but for some reason,he still feels that life is good.What an attitude to have.Diane,his sister said to me that hes a rebel and always has been...he wont do anything conventionally..LOL.Its true.
Hes a simple man (thats the song he wants played at his funeral).He doesnt want nor ask for much.Hes content in himself.He never complains except when they stick needles into him..then he winces.
Today is a beautiful day.Its hot and sunny.The doctors on her way to try and figure out how to get his pain meds into him without putting in a third pump!!I will bath him while they figure it.
Its been a long hard year.But one that I wouldnt have missed for the world!
Sunday, February 04, 2007James has come through another crisis.He is stabilised now.The days still revolve around nurses and injections and pumps but hes not vomitting and hes peaceful.He has some times of wakefulness...he even managed to talk to his Mum for a couple of minutes the other day.He sucks on peppermints and drinks a little beef broth and eats a bit of jello.But mostly he sleeps..dreaming ketamine dreams.Its a joy to me that he is so peaceful and painfree.
I am exhausted with a tiredness Ive never felt before.It seeps into my bones.When I try to doze off,the dog barks signalling that someone else has arrived.Ppl coming,friends,family,nurses,strangers..its a foreign world to me and has shattered the routine in my little cottage.
I am so tired I cant think and am operating on auto pilot.But I wouldnt have it any other way.This is our life for now.
I read all the emails I get but Im too wasted to reply..but thankyou all anyway.I do appreciate them and they keep me going.
Friday, February 02, 2007
IntimacyWe have moved onto another level in our relationship.Its a spiritual world.We have no idea what the time is,what the date is...I eat when someone makes it for me.I have all this stuff in the cottage..wheelchairs(James thinks he wants to try it tomorrow he really wants to look at the garden and the sky.)Drugs by the bucketload.Sharps containers.Commodes.
I bath James but I dont think we can do that much longer. maybe he will have his last one tomorrow.Then we will bathe his with soft cloths and I will shave him.
He still makes me laugh.He sleeps in a deep world of dreams..remembering,and smiling to himself.Id love to ask him what hes dreaming but I dont want to disturb something so wonderful..its just my curiousity.
The pump sites keep breaking down and forming hard lumps where the sharp needles pierce his thin skin..he winces when they put new ones in but I say..Man! youre have 2 really bad bike crashes!We laugh.
He eats jello..he likes lime.Has a few peppermints for his dry mouth.I know what to do cos I did it all for my father but never knowing that God was teaching me how to prepare me for this.
Its a time when everything stands still yet life goes on around you in front of your eyes.We have baby goldfish and hoglet.We had a full moon last night.We have so much.Every hour is ours.Every look and touch is ours.
I dont want to leave him to even sleep but Im so exhausted.We have arranged a family roster to come and be with him at night while I sleep and friends also have asked to come and be with him.Its otherworldly.I feel as if I am watching myself do this.
I am so happy ..James is peaceful and angelic.He glowing with an aura.I cant explain it.I dont want to look forward.I just want to be here,now.
I am with the love of my life.The man I searched for without any knowledge of it.
He has taught me SO much.Hes reminded me to live.To LIVE!!! remember the old saying,tomorrow may never come.
But most of all this is an intimate time.A last farewell,a lovers last weeekend.
There may be a couple of weeks,who knows? God does.Only Him.
Heavenly Father we pray that you will be with us at this time.Guide us to You and be with all of those who love James and me.We thank You for giving us your own Son in sacrifice so that all of us can be washed in the blood of the lamb.You lost your Own son so that we might life.You taught your son forgiveness and we thank you for your understanding of us.We thankyou for saving James.Hes buzzing out about meeting You.
We thankyou for our families who love us and have always supported us.Most of all we thankyou Father for bringing us together.We have found LIFE.
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