I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

A Lucky Escape

On Monday we went to the hospital dentist because James had a sore tooth.They sent us down to Xray and they scanned his mouth.We had to take the xrays back to the dentist and she said he had 3 big abcesses under some teeth.Then she asked me what his platelette count was and I told her it was 94.She said they couldnt extract the teeth unless he had a transfusion to get the count up to 100...we both got very stressed out and worried all night..then James went online because he remembered that our friend Dave who also had lymphoma,had some problems with his teeth too...and his turned out to be tumors.
So yesterday we went back to palliative care and talked to our doctor who is wonderful and takes great care of us.He said James teeth xrays were tumors too and he would have been in big trouble if they had taken the teeth out as they would have disturbed the tumor roots! He told us that because James has had no treatment a transfusion wouldnt be a solution either and it is an invasive treatment too..
So after a couple of days of stress and worry we are now sitting on our deck in the sun,drinking coffee and loving the day that God has made.We dont have to worry or be afraid and we have gone back into a safe mode where we are taking each day as it comes.We dont want medical intervention,we only want for the cancer to take its natural course..we wont disturb anything and we will trust in God to take care of us.
We have been so grateful for the caring comments that you have all left for us.Its a great comfort to know that your out there and that you care.A special thanks to Chana who keeps in constant contact with cards and notes...and for her lovely butterfly pics too:)

posted by butterflies @ 4:04 PM 13 comments

Sunday, July 23, 2006


My grandson Ezzie has been with us this weekend.Its such a joy being a grandparent!
He walked in on Friday night and smelled and said OH cool..STEAK! Hes never been a very good eater and even though hes nearly 8 he still is fussy about food.So I was very happy that Id managed to cook something that would stimulate his taste buds.He ate a big piece of steak,mashed potatoes and green beans and he ate the lot! I was so shocked.Then we had a game of cards and of course he won.He told me dont worry Nannie,its not about winning,its about playing the game...
Yesterday he made a big hut under the tree and spent hours talking to himself and making a town centre ..and it even had a McDonalds!(go imagine)Hes a happy little boy and so loving.He gives the best hugs.Last night he played cards again but with James this time.They played memory and of course he won again.He explained to me that he knew how to cheat but he wouldnt do that with us.
Hes so cute and has helped so much to get us all through the sadness.How can you feel sad when a child says Nan,you look pretty today:)

posted by butterflies @ 12:40 PM 6 comments

Friday, July 21, 2006

The Circle

I look to the mountains,where will my help come from?
My help will come from the Lord who made heaven and earth.

He will protect you as you come and go,now and forever.(Psalm 121)

Our lives are a circle.We start from a seed,and we end up as dust,back to the earth.
In the meantime,we live on earth to be a part of a community.We have a circle of friends and family.We love...oh how we love! James was diagnosed with lymphoma (cancer of the lymphatic glands) in Oct 2003 and he was told he had 2-6mths to live.We got a shock.We cried and then we lived.We rode our harley,we partied and toured around...we had our wonderful friend Dave who was also living with lymphoma and was also a biker and through him we met his sister Sleepless in OKC..(Dave has since died and Sleepless knows the heartache of losing a brother that she was closer to than anyone)...We gathered up people as we went along,bringing them into the circle.The cancer doctors were amazed at our lack of fear..James had no treatment as he was already stage 4 so we just lived each day,as lovers and as friends.He asks me to marry him every day,still to this day...and we have been married for 5 yrs but still he asks.
We went to a huge church of 3 thousand ppl in North Carolina and James was healed on an alter call...not healed of cancer,but healed spiritually.God came into his soul and cleansed him and forgave him.It was the healing he needed.
We went to Lovers leap and thought maybe we should jump off together(but there was too much rubbish there,left by tourists!)..so we came to New Zealand.James bought me home,back into the circle of my family..
We prepare for death just as we prepare for birth.We have things organised,wills made,papers signed...and yet...as yesterday when my Darling didnt breathe,I get shocked and scared..
Last night James was wandering around and I asked him to get me a glass of wine.He said*if the last thing I ever do is to get your wine I will be a happy man*.
We treasure every minute,every hour,every touch,every smile and every message you all leave us.You are all a part of the circle now.Love is in the centre and we all revolve around it.I appreciate your kindness,the love you send my way sustains me and I thank you all.

posted by butterflies @ 10:25 AM 11 comments

Thursday, July 20, 2006

The happy and the sad

Every morning I watch Good Morning New Zealand on TV.On Monday morning,Sarah,the host,came on and was coughing and sick and I emailed the show and asked that they give her a couple of days off because she should be at home resting and not spreading germs around and that I hoped shed be better soon....today she came back to TV and she thanked me personally on the show:) She said Id like to thank Beverley for her lovely kind thoughts and wish her well as she nurses her husband with cancer.
I was so stoked to hear that! So I went to tell James and I couldnt wake him up..I kissed his cheek,I rubbed his face,stroked his hair..nothing..
Then I kissed his lips.They parted and he opened his eyes and said..oh its my angel.
He smiled and went back into the deep sleep he was enjoying.
But I freaked..I went all sad.I came back to the lounge and cried.Im scared..Then Jake texted me and said go with the flow..he just knew what to say.Hes a good son.
I dont want my James to leave me but I know hes just about held on as long as he can.I feel the presence of God and we are bathed in His love.But Im still scared.
I dont want to live without my lover.I need his laughter..and his kind words.
Oh God..help me through this!

posted by butterflies @ 11:11 AM 15 comments

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Growing the Same

It never ceases to amaze me how like my father Ive become.Every morning I take my coffee outside and sit on the deck and feed the little waxeyes that eat out of the coconut shell that my dad had hanging in his tree.(When Mum moved and the house was taken away it was all I wanted).Underneath the tree are red hot pokers which were also dads favourite and theres something in the flowers that attracts the birds.
My mannerisms are like Dad too.I have the same tendencies to be intolerant of stupidity,I cant stand anyone who lies,I have to have the truth no matter what.I chat easily to strangers and can hold my own where ever I am.He was a strong man and quite hard but to me he was soft and gentle.He wasnt to be crossed by anyone but he adored his mates.I am the same. My mum was a nurse for 42 years and I have a lot of her personality too but its my dad who I take after.I look like him and I am tough like him.When mum was annoyed with me she would always say *your just like your father!!* ..Im proud to be his daughter.

posted by butterflies @ 4:30 PM 3 comments

Thursday, July 06, 2006


I never ever thought I would do texting.My son texts all the time and kept telling me that I needed to.When I asked him why I needed to he said that its easier than having a ph call and you dont have to answer if you dont want to.A bit like direct chat on msn..It never appealed to me.Then one day him and I were having lunch at the Gardens while his son sprinted around and around the lake,waving to us as he whizzed past...Jake said Look Mum its easy to text..just try it.He showed me how to send a message and that was it.Ive been doing it ever since! I get texts during the day saying *nice rain* or *be home in 10* or I text him and say *dinners ready*..I send txts to lots of friends now and it is so much quicker and easier than having a long ph convo..Yesterday,the kid txt me to tell me she needed to go to the doctor because she was spewing and had a really sore throat.I couldnt leave James and Cori didnt want me to take James anyway in case he caught a bug off her so I textd my S-I-L who got my Mum and they both took the kid to the clinic where she ws diagnosed with a strep throat and (girls pains)..The whole time she was at the clinic she was txting me saying*Im still waiting*...*names been called* then..*doc sez throat infec*...and it makes it all very easy to communicate.
I gave the kid a ph to take with her while she stays at her friends because I thought maybe theres some issues that she may want to talk over..about James or going to the states or whatever...Now I have to txt her and say *ring up!!*...so we can hear her voice!..the good thing about txting is that theres no volume.No-one can yell at you and its much easier to argue..heh. and the really nice thing is getting txt from my children saying *nite Mum,love you*.
We have all tried,as a family,to teach my Mum (76) to text but weve all failed.Its SO annoying! She wont even turn the bloody ph on because she thinks it uses power! ARRGH..she asked me why no-one txts her and I try to explain that the ph needs to be ON..so she finally got that part.Now I get a text and it says MUM...and no message! So I have to phone her to ask her if shes been trying to text me!..when I was living in the states she finally learnt how to chat to me on msn and send emails but there were no spaces so Id get a message that would say...ivebeentochurchandnowimgoingtochiorpractice! I learned how to decipher it.
Im so glad that Im moving with the times:)

posted by butterflies @ 5:16 PM 8 comments

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Account Balance

Imagine theres a bank that credits your account each morning with $86.400.It carries over no balance from day to day.Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you fail to use during the day.What would you do?Draw out every cent of course!
Each of us has such a bank.Its name is Time.

Every morning,it credits you with 86.400 seconds.
Every night it writes off, as lost,whatever you have failed to invest to good purpose.It carries over no balance.
To realize the value of one year,ask a student who failed an exam.
To realize the value of one month ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week,ask someone who has a terminal illness.
To realize the value of one hour,ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of one minute,ask the person who missed the train.
To realize the value of one second,ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of one millisecond,ask the person who won a silver medal at the Olympics.

posted by butterflies @ 4:39 PM 12 comments

Sunday, July 02, 2006


I wonder what James is looking at! Hah.We had a lovely day sitting in the sun.Its warm and sunny today and the sun feels good.Its been nice weekend of family and friends and laughter.
Ive weeded the front garden and discovered lots of hidden pansies and grannys bonnets.Its so good to finally be feeling better..at least enough to tend my garden.
Im satisfied.

posted by butterflies @ 5:17 PM 3 comments

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