I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Monday, August 29, 2005


James told me last night...." if I only knew you for 10 mins they would have been the most wonderful 10 mins of my life....and even if I knew you for 50 years it would never be long enough".

posted by butterflies @ 9:54 AM 8 comments

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Over the Road

This is what we see when we drive out our driveway ...James loves this view when he goes out to check the mailbox:)

posted by butterflies @ 6:01 PM 1 comments

Monday, August 22, 2005


That was the sound that James had been waiting for and it came on saturday morning when the mailman arrived..it signalled the arrival of his COFFEE!!!
He had been so disappointed in our*pussy coffee* so he sent out an urgent email to his family for some real colombian coffee or he would come back and haunt them!
His wonderful sister Diane got straight onto it and within a week James had great coffee brewing again.And she also sent me a gorgeous necklace and earrings and 2 tubes of body lotion and Burts Bees lipbalm..shes so kind and generous.James is a happy chappy now:) Hes in bliss and I must admit the coffee has a different taste and smell too.He has 2 5lb jars so that should last him for..oh about 2 weeks..Heh.
We spent the weekend in the garden,the weather was warm so that we just had teeshirts on and we cleaned out overgrown gardens and Rxy chainsawed down some big trees that were blocking the sun and light.Then there was a mission to dispose of it all and we made a huge fire in the paddock and burnt it all.James loved it! he spent all day with a huge stick poking the fire and adding more to it.The flames gave him joy and he had a big smile on his face all day.In OKC you arent allowed to light fires so he loved the freedom to throw whatever he wanted on on it.An old lounge suite,old blankets,tree limbs,wandering jew,potato vines,old rotten timber and even the odd car tyre.The fire burnt quickly.
On Friday James made the outside taps work again so I could water my pots and he also put up security lights on the driveways.Hes very useful:)..He is getting skinny and looks thinner but still has some strength left.Hes happy and we kiss a lot.
I have pots of tulips flowering and big planters of blue polyanthus and yellow pansies,warm blue grasses,daffidols,minature roses,alyssum...Im very stoked.
The kid has been away for the weekend with Emma which gave us a good break and Rxy took us to the Pizza Hut for dinner on sat night.We had a good time and laughed a lot.Rxy and James are very close and Im sure they both like the male company.They tell each other outrageous jokes and tell stories about me!
A social worker is coming to see us today to see if we are entitled to some kind of hand with finances.They are great the way they come to our place.
The sun is shining,its warm outside and James is walking around with loppers again!! I better go make sure he doesnt cut out anything important!!

posted by butterflies @ 9:18 AM 4 comments

Monday, August 15, 2005


Today I picked a lovely bunch of camellias..They are one of my favourite shrubs and at this time of the year theres not much flowering in the garden but the camellias are and they are so gorgeous.

posted by butterflies @ 1:04 PM 1 comments

Sunday, August 14, 2005

This is for Snidget

I havent posted any pics on here so lets see if it works...Ezzie(the only grandson)

posted by butterflies @ 10:16 AM 4 comments

Saturday, August 13, 2005


Each day we weed and plant.The flowers we plant are spring flowers and each day we go and see if there are any new blooms.Life is like that.Each day there is a new bloom,something to make us smile and laugh,something to show us that there is life.
Last night I had a dream.I was given a piece of clay with which to create.I made it into 3 pieces and created 3 people.They all had different color hair,tho I can only remember what they looked like from behind.They were all women..they were beautiful.
They had a new life with a purpose.I was so wanting to see what was going to happen and then the bloody phone rang!! Woke me up and although the dream is vivid in my memory,it was unfinished.Isnt life just like that?Just when we get to the good bits it changes on us.
Yesterday was a good day.James had a haircut at a cool barber shop that was playing Bob Segar tunes and had beer can collected from all round the world...a man dreaming of other places.
James pain is slowly easing and he takes less medication each day..maybe this is Gods way of giving back..
My pain is easing too.I can look at my love and just want to hold him and kiss him.I want to feel his skin and see the love in his eyes.Hes cute as with his haircut too;)
I talk to my beautiful son every day and see him twice a week.I rang my grandson and said *hello...hows my favourite grandson in the whole world*..he said..Nan,Im your only grandson..heh.pretty good for a 6 yr old.
Today we are going to prune some more trees between rain showers.I love to reshape things so they look right.I spose thats part of my personality...I like things perfect and aesthetically right.I love to see the reshaping take effect and make the tree grow straight and tall.
Im in love with my man,with my life and with my God.

posted by butterflies @ 12:05 PM 3 comments

Thursday, August 11, 2005


Yesterday we went to meet the team at hospice and palliative care.The doctors were lovely,South African guys from Johannesburg.They explained the way it all works,how there is 24 hr care available and nurses ready to come to the house whenever needed.They told us about Rainbow House,a family based place where anyone can go to talk or just hang out with others that are grieving too.
They got all our records and both told James that its amazing hes still alive! Hehe..we know that.HIs original prognosis of 12-24 mths is long gone and they were very suprised that he made it past the 12 mths.They also agreed that it was because he hasnt taken any treatments...chemo or radiation.We all laughed together and we told them some funny stories.When we went into the waiting room we noticed all the ppl with sad faces and strained exhausted expressions and we just wanted to hug them and tell them it will be ok.
When the kid got home from school we told her about Rainbow House and that there are workshops and ppl there that she could talk to if she wanted...she through the pamphlet high into the air and said** all those ppl sitting round talking about death!! Thats not for me,Id rather talk to my friends**
I dont blame her and Im sure I would have reacted the same at her age but at least weve offered and she may want it at some other stage.
It was a good day.James had blood tests to see what the kidney and liver function is like and see if hes aenemic cos he feels cold all the time.(DUH..I think thats cos hes American and cant turn up the central heating)..but his skin is cold to touch so I have to hold him all the time and rub him;)...no objection from me and its a good enough excuse.
Ive been getting some wonderful emails from ppl and friends from far and wide,with so much support and caring.James sent an email to his family saying his last request is for real coffee and if they dont send it hes coming back to haunt them!!I must admit the coffee in NZ is shit and nothing like the wonderful columbian coffee hes used to.His sisters sending some this week..thanks Diane!Its always great to get a care package.Thanks to you all for everything.I love you.

posted by butterflies @ 9:28 AM 4 comments

Friday, August 05, 2005

The Long Ride Home...

James woke me this morning and told me that he is going home.
Hes spent 3 days now with minimal narcotics and has come out of his fogginess.He knows that he doesnt have much time now.He is losing weight and has very little energy tho he does what he can.Its reality time,the time weve both dreaded and avoided.God is calling him and he has to go.Its not in our hands now.
My strong biker is taking his last long ride.Its the beginning of his end,tho as believers we both know that he will live for eternity.
Hes emotional and crys but he is brave...hes going into the unknown.I cry with him and we hold each other not wanting to accept it but we have to.We have no choice.
We have known about his cancer for 2 years now and we cried when we found out.Then we got tough and carried on regardless tho always making plans..those horrible plans no-one wants to make.Getting life insurance sorted,getting social security,telling our families,making sure that Cori was always taken care of.Weve had so much love and fun and joy together.We have laughed,partied hard,ridden with the wind and loved.OMG,what love we have! It sustains us and keeps us afloat.I dont regret a thing.To have experienced this kind of love was a miracle.From being a victim of child sexual abuse,to having a man that loves me is a wonder and I thank him every day for showing me his love.
My purpose now is to keep him happy,to make sure that Cori is loaded up with memories of a funny silly kind father.Tomorrow we are going to the beach to walk along the rocks.Breathe in the salt air and refresh ourselves.I will protect the kid with everything I have in me and love her as I love my own son.She will grow tall and strong and brave.She is my daughter.
James is my man.Hes my lover and my soul mate.The man I looked for all my life.I will love him til he takes his last breathe and hold him through it all.God will give me strength and sustain me.I will be strong and I will adore him.

posted by butterflies @ 7:04 PM 13 comments

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Parent Teacher Interviews

Well,we went to meet the teachers yesterday...Cori is doing very well academically and the teachers all told us thats she is a very happy pleasant and polite child.Shes more mature than her almost 15 years and is confident and fitting in well.
BUT...she talks too much.She was described as a social butterfly and has had to be shifted around in class because she will disrupt other kids.
The good thing is that since I talked to her about her yakking too much last week,all the teachers have seen an improvement.She is changing and growing and Im proud of her.Shes made a good transition from American schools to here and the main thing she has to watch now is her choice of friends.She was disciplined by a teacher for being in *unsuitable* company and I appreciate that.Im so glad the teachers here have a real caring for the students and are not afraid to speak to us about any problems.Im glad we went and listened.I will go into town today and buy Cori some wee treats for being so good and for using her intuition.

On another note...we went to see the pain management doctor on monday and hes directed James to hospice.That means they will do another full screen to see where his cancer is now and monitor with more experienced care givers.They will also come to our house,at no charge,at any time we need them.Hospice is wonderful and I will be glad of their intervention.James is feeling good and each day he does some thing around the place and it makes him feel proud to look back on his achievment.This weekend we are all going to the beach for the day to walk on the rocks and listen to, and smell the sea.The mornings are frosty now but the feeling of spring is in the air and the days are getting longer.
I finally have a car of my own and its nice to be able to be independent again.I have my dream catcher hanging from the mirror and some stuff in the glove box and my rain jacket in the trunk(just in case)The cottage is completed apart from desperatley needing to be painted inside but that can wait til summer.
Im happy and contented.Im with my favourite people and am looking forward to my niece Amys wedding in a couple of weeks.Shes coming home from London for it.
Im off to sit in the sun with my coffee;)

posted by butterflies @ 9:03 AM 4 comments

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