I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Sunday, December 16, 2007


Happy birthday in heaven my sweet James.
I know you will be celebrating with angels.
Thankyou for loving me,for showing me how to love and to always expect the best.

I can still hear your laughter.I still smell you.
I smile when I think of the things we shared,that no-one but us will know.
The miracle of how you found your peace will always amaze me.
Your courage in the face of adversity made me so proud.
I still light a candle for you every single day.
I love you forever xxx

posted by butterflies @ 9:16 AM 5 comments

Friday, December 14, 2007


We went for a walk tonight and the thing that struck me the MOST...was the silence!!
Utter quiet..The snow was thick on the ground.There was 8 inches of snow in New England and Ive never seen anything so beautiful:)
Its like walking in a Christmas card like I said on my last post.
Having come from New Zealand and having never seen snow before,this is a wonderous thing.Its not cold like I thought it would be...altho its gloves and hat and coat weather,I really thought the snow would feel freezing!
Oh Im happy tonight:)
Im living in a winterwonderland!

posted by butterflies @ 3:54 PM 2 comments

Monday, December 10, 2007

Somethings going to happen::

Well my 3 mths stay in the states has now turned into 6 mths and Im still nowhere near ready to go back home. I have no wish to see the pity in the eyes of my friends and family.I dont want them to feel sad for me.I hate them having to wonder what they can do for me to ease my pain of losing James.
I am trying to make some new memories.I want to feel as if I can live each day without the stabbing pain in my heart that is LOSS..
I spend my days reading,writing,going out sometimes to the mall with a friend,walking from park bench to park bench..I go to the library across the road where each day I meet an old man who goes there to read the paper.(he told me he could get it delivered to his home but its nice to go to the library so he gets a break from his wife;)
Its been snowing here the last few days and I feel as if Im living in a Christmas card.Its so beautiful and white and shiny.The lights in ppls houses twinkle and glisten and the street is crunchy.I look outside in delight as the stark tree branches struggle to hold themsleves up laden with snow.
Im in a new dream.One where I am a different me..where I am not sad.Where I can look in the mirror and not think,gosh that woman looks grief stricken.I have new friends,I go to different churches and coffee shops,and no-one knows of my past.
My James photos are all over the house and his eyes still follow me everywhere.I smile at him as I go past.
I dont want Christmas..I wish it was all over but I will bear it for everyone else.
Ive posted gifts back to NZ..Im waiting for something but I dont know what it is.xx

posted by butterflies @ 9:21 AM 4 comments

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