I listen to the gentle murmuring voice
Of our city, awake despite the hour
And I linger, unwilling to return
To the television world inside — droolingmonkey

Friday, March 30, 2007

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

posted by butterflies @ 12:05 AM 9 comments

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Happy birthday Son

Today is my beautiful sons birthday..as Ive said each year on my blog on his bday,his birth gave me life.Until I gave birth,I didnt know true love.He taught me to love unconditionally.Its a love that no-one can take away.
He was such a good baby..sleeping right through the night from 6 wks old.He smiled,he cooed and ate ..he did everything right.Ive never had any problems with him.He was so good with James..caring for him and loving him as much as I did.
Hes grown into a fine man.Im so proud of him and Im glad to be back in NZ where wer can spend time together.Tonight we went out for dinner:)
He ate only meat! But I adore him anyway...heh
Happy birthday Jacob.

posted by butterflies @ 8:56 PM 4 comments

Monday, March 26, 2007

The first month

One month has now gone by since James died.It really has been such a rollercoaster(as someone called it)..But thank goodness,Im beginning to feel ok.I am now having beautiful dreams of James.We are together doing normal everyday stuff.Seeing friends,riding fast,laughing and loving.Im starting to forget the horribleness and the terror of the last weeks and Im no longer afraid.I have a great peace about me.
BUT..Yesterday I drove out for the first time by myself.But I talked to James all the way saying..look at me Baby,Im doing it:) I was really nervous and stressed and felt sick the whole time I was out and the minute I got back home the nauseous feeling left me.!!!The doc tells me this is anxiety.I still am shaken and jumpy while Im out but one step at a time....I have been told by lots of professionals that it takes time.I will be capable and strong again one day.
I miss him at nights the most and Im sure that all widows feel the same.I still talk to him as if hes here and I kiss his pic before I go to sleep and I play our music.Im not so tired and my energy is coming back.I talk to my friends and have heard ppl say the most amazing things.
I never thought Id ever have to call myself a widow.I have serious issues about forms I have to fill in...ones that ask..married or single? I dont think of myself as single.And calling myself widow makes me sound vulnerable and I dont like that.
Anyway,one day at a time..its only been one month.

posted by butterflies @ 5:48 PM 8 comments

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Bizarre..the tree

On the last day of James life,whilst we were driving back to the hospital,we had to stop at a roundabout.All of a sudden right beside the car,there was an almighty
CRRAAAAKKKKK and the tree not 10ft away,split right through the middle.For NO reason!
It was freaky! We all looked at each other and took it as a sign that James had fallen and I was left standing.
I dont usually see signs but it made me realise that I would carry on no matter what.I would not fall..

posted by butterflies @ 12:44 PM 6 comments

Saturday, March 17, 2007

The wedding

Today my youngest brothers daughter got married.She looked beautiful.
It was a lovely day and we had a lot of quality family time.I love weddings.They signify a future full of hope and love...of dreams and wishes.Full of wonder.
Shes such a good kid,,young,so young. I adore her.I wish her every good thing and Gods blessings.It was a good day and Im happy.

posted by butterflies @ 11:07 PM 6 comments

Thursday, March 15, 2007


With all my heart and soul,I want to say THANKYOU.
I have recieved cards,gifts,and flowers from all over the world...beautiful kind thoughts from friends and fellow bloggers.Each day the postman brings something it makes me so happy to know that ppl care and think about me.Its humbling and wonderful...Though these last weeks have been really hard,I have come to know who my real friends are,who really cares about ME.
For the last week I have been walking and reading and taking the occasional trip out with Jake..not going too far as I still feel vulnerable and fragile but each day gets warmer and softer.The nights are getting easier too.
My heart friends comfort me with E cards and little notes,emails and IMs.And I am so grateful.I could not have gotten through this without all of you.
A million times, I thankyou.

posted by butterflies @ 10:16 AM 6 comments

Sunday, March 11, 2007

The Wake

Last night we had the wake...I hadnt felt like it til now and all my friends were wanting to come and party and celebrate the life of James.We lit his chiminea,we looked at photos from OKC..we talked for hours about this wonderful man who has been such a big influence on so many ppl.He is very sadly missed by so many of us and will never never be forgotten.
Im getting better slowly..the real raw pain is not so bad and Im physically stronger.I still ache for his arms around me or to just kiss him and hold his hand but I am content knowing that the love we had was enduring and beautiful and something I will cherish forever.

posted by butterflies @ 2:38 PM 6 comments

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Still alive and thinking...

In the last few weeks,James was suffering.He was in an extreme amount of pain and they would give him more amd more and it would only last for an hour.In the last few weeks,hospice entrusted me to give him extra injections on the hour so they wouldnt have to come out all night..James was barely conscious but he was never comfortable.
They kept trying different drugs but most of them took a while to kick in.Sometimes 12 hrs.On the final monday,we had to go to hospital so that they could figure it out.But he was suffering.It was the most heartbreaking thing Ive ever gone through.When my Dad died from cancer,he went peacefully to sleep.he wasnt in pain.

While we were in the room standing vigil,me making sure that everything possible was being done,I watched a programme about ppl on death row,murderers,, being put to death with a lethal,legal injection and I thought how much easier their death was...all over from healthy to death in 2 mins......while my baby wanted to go,was trying to go but had to wait in pain as his body shut down..days.It didnt seem fair.
Neither James nor I believe in suicide,but we both think that there is a point at which someone should be able to say,enough is enough,this is suffering.
We dont let our animals suffer.We dont take our pet to the vet to have it put half to sleep.unconscious.They stop their suffering completely.

James loved life,right until he was being injected up to 12 times a day,was half conscious and could only sleep his days away...right up til he lost all independence.And he was so worried that hed become a burden to me..it was my pleasure and honor to look after him,,its what he would do for me.
I dont even believe in capital punishment cos I think that men convicted of haenious crimes should live and think and take their punishments.
I cried at one nurse one night and said put him to sleep properly..not dead,just unconscious so that he doesnt feel or know anything.They wouldnt.I wanted James to go when God called his name.All they had to do was make sure that he had enough medication so he slept thru the horribleness.The doctor told me that its far more unpleasant for the carers than for the patient.I dont know how she thought she could know that...One doc told me that shed never met me but she had never seen anyone more exhausted.I replied,I will rest later.This last week belonged to James.
Im coming right I think.I cleaned the cottage today,kissed my babys photo,talked to him,planted some petunias,took red dog for a walk.I could say that Im surviving.Tonight my brother rang and I told him I wished Id died with James.
He said would James have wanted that?
I went to the supermarket with jake the other day...I was shaking inside and all nervous.I didnt like being out.I wanted to get home.My confidence has taken a real shaking..I know that James is the wind on my shoulder and hes watching out for me.But I miss him so much.

posted by butterflies @ 10:23 PM 7 comments

Friday, March 02, 2007

Fly Free

We sent off 55 red white and blue balloons..one for every year of James life.They soared high into the heavens..we all clapped,Red dog barked and barked and the wind blew strong.James was finally free from pain.It signified the end of suffering.

When James left,he took the summer with him.He always loved summer the most.Because theres never a day that you cant ride,not that anything would stop us riding..except snow.Now the evenings are cooling off and the morning grass is coated with soft dew and theres a mist drifting in the air.
A new season has begun.Its autumn and the leaves are just beginning to turn and drop.Its the month of my birthday.and my sons too.Its a time for us to remember the summer but rejoice in the newness of the coming season.
I have climbed the highest mountain and fallen down the other side.Today Ive crashed.I didnt know there was a term for it but hospice came to see me and I am flat and hollow.I wander around and I cant get out of my PJs.I talk to James.I sing songs.To the outside world I must look crazy,insane.But its just a crash.They tell me its perfectly normal and that because of all the caring Ive done and now I have no tasks,Ive crashed...into a heap on the floor at times.Sometimes just staring into the sky,dazed and shocked..My love is gone from the cottage yet I feel him all around me.Hes in everything.The furnishings he chose,the music,the garden..
His photos are everywhere and each day I chose a new one for my desktop.I say Hi Baby when I see him...maybe I will turn into a muttering crazy old lady but I just dont seem to care..Im in a world of dreams.

posted by butterflies @ 10:08 AM 9 comments

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